Regrets collect like old friends.
"Achooo." The sudden sneeze startled Julian, who had been peacefully reading a copy of Rudyard Kipling's book Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, a riveting story of a mongoose. He wasn't a child anymore, but he enjoyed reading books that children read, and this book was a classic which he read to his little nephews on any chance he could get, which wasn't that often, though he had also read it to his younger brother Matthew. But he was home for two weeks before he was going to be shipped out on his next assignment. Looking up in the coffee shop he was in to find the source of the sneeze, he saw a flustered looking young man with curly brown hair, and who was frantically wiping off his laptop screen... it seemed as though the kid had sneezed coffee all over his laptop. Julian, who was thankful it was not one of his electronics chuckled quietly to himself, and went back to his book. He had spent many years growing up at this coffee shop, and as he saw two boys run by gleeful grins on their faces as they did so, Julian felt a light weight in his chest, that had been him and his brother. He looked down at the book, but movement caught the corner of his eye. Reflected in the glass there they were darting down that very same street, with very little having changed... they were playing tag... two minutes later Julian's brother would dart out in front of a car. Three minutes later Mattie would be dead.
Here to relive our darkest moments.
Julian jerked his head away from the window, his book flying off his lap and onto the ground, sliding underneath a couples table. They were so entranced with one another they barely noticed, though one of them pushed the book out from under with a heel-clad foot. Who wore heels to a coffee shop on their first date? Alright, so maybe Julian didn't know it was their first date, but it seemed as though it was, and he'd been on a number of first dates. Back in high school, before he'd realized he was gay, and then in his college years, secret dates, because he was so terrified that his family would find out that he was gay. And these two, they looked like they were on their first of many dates. Something Julian envied them for. He'd never been in a real relationship, not one that lasted at any rate. He sighed, at this same coffee shop he had met the guy he'd been in a relationship with for the longest. They'd sat and drank coffee, and worked on their calculus ii homework together. Two weeks later they were going steady, but because he was ashamed of his sexuality, Julian had insisted they were secretive about it. Sitting in different rows at the movie theatre, arriving in different cars to parties... never really meeting out in public unless there was a valid excuse or it was important. A month after that James got in an accident, and Julian couldn't bring himself to go to the hospital. Four days later he was dead, and Julian hadn't gotten to say goodbye.
I can see no way, I can see no way.
Julian averted his gaze from the couple, and quickly retrieved the book, placing it in his lap once more, closed this time. He liked to observe people, watch them, listen to them, and understand what their reactions were... there was a time when that was all that Jules did, but he was an army man now, a pilot actually. He had flown test planes for a while, and now flew fighter jets. He had seen some pretty crazy stuff in his time, and had been in some real dogfights. But all was peaceful here in the small town in Arkansas. He hadn't been born here, but he'd grown up here. And this was as much a home as the base he lived at when he was overseas. Though he had something with his men that he had never had here. He knew that his father, while unknowingly, blamed him for Matthews death, hell, Julian still blamed himself. He had been thirteen, and Matthew had been nine. He had known better than to play tag on the sidewalks, and Mattie had run in front of that car and gotten hit, a piece of Julian died with him. Matthew had always been optimistic at the world, finding the best in every situation, even as Julian watched him die, his little brother had remained positive to the end, it had been a selfish thought, but at the time Julian wished that Matthew could have been negative... just a little bit.
And all the ghouls come out to play.
Every scenario that Julian observed here or anywhere, he could compare to one somewhere else. Winter of 2004, he'd been just a fresh faced freshman at 19. Eager to learn all about the world, eager to put his past behind him. He'd been a relatively good baseball player in Highschool, actually one of the better players, which had landed him a scholarship to North Arkansas College in Harrison, AR. He'd gone of course, he loved baseball, and he loved learning, being able to go to college and play baseball had been a dream come true for him. It was how he had met James, a junior at the college, and a big fan of baseball. He'd come up after the game to talk with Julian about his batting, and how he'd be better as a third-baseman if he got a better trajectory with his throws. James had then explained to him he was an engineer. Julian paused in his thought to jot down a few things on a piece of paper, it had occurred to him he'd promised to bring home dinner, so he had to decide what to bring home. Dinner, he knew of a couple good places to eat around here, or he could pick up some ingredients at the local grocery store... he had worked there when he was fifteen... he'd learned how to cook from the owners daughter.
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
Julian felt a heavy weight as he thought about Rebecca Steele. They went out for two years during high school. She was dead now, of course. It seemed as if everyone who had ever touched Julian's life in a truly meaningful way always died. It was his curse, and one of the reasons he often tried not to become close to people. Because the close her became, the harder it would hurt him when they eventually died. And it seemed as though the more he cared for them... the more likely they were to die. Becca had been his girlfriend starting Sophomore year, they'd been voted cutest couple, and while they remained innocent for that first year, doing nothing more than holding hands, snuggling, and sneaking the occasional kiss when no one was looking... he had never really felt romantically attached to her. He loved her, he did, he just didn't feel a romantic love. But he hadn't realized that until after she had died. In their junior year things got more serious. They met up three or four times a week after school, and snuck out of their houses on weekends to meet up. It was Julians fault she died. Most nights they just held hands and looked at the stars up on his roof, or hers, or the hill which climbed above their home town and overlooked it. She had brought alcohol, and Julian knew he should have just said no, but they both drank a bit, and then snuggled up under the stars as the did so much. When he woke up she wasn't next to him, and frantically he had searched only to find that during the night she had gotten up, and had tripped and fell hitting her head on a branch, and giving herself severe brain damage. Julian had carried her two miles down the steep roads to the nearest house, and begged for her to be taken to a doctor. His boss Mr Steele had given him a black eye, and cracked his jaw, and told him to never set foot near Rebecca again. She lay in that hospital room for years, her parents struggling with the decision to pull her off life support. Five years later they had.
But I like to keep some things to myself
There were some things that Julian didn't tell anyone, how sorry he was about Matthew, how much he had loved James, and the most regretful of all, the fact that he was never in love with Rebecca. To him, those were just three things that he would never tell the world. He'd told Rebecca about Matthew, and James about Rebecca... but aside from those two dead people... and himself, no one knew. Julian buried his head in his hands and stared at the ground fighting back the urge to cry. There were some things in his life he was ashamed of, some things he would never live down in his own mind, yes, the battlefield haunted him, but in some ways it was a relief to the trauma on the home front. Death followed him wherever he went, at least as a soldier... he was risking his own life as well, and trying to help his country, and his brothers in arms to live another day. Side by side, shoulder to shoulder... almost all the men in his basic training were either dead, or discharged... and here he was, getting ready to go on his third tour. He could probably stop at any time, but he didn't want to, there was too much pain here at home, and while there was suffering on the battlefield, he liked to think that he was trying to stop it. What had he ever done over here... put flowers on graves? It wasn't enough.
I like to keep my issues drawn
Reaching for his coffee cup, he took a long drink of the cooling liquid. He always drank his coffee black, just like Ian. Ian had been another of his boyfriends, though the term was loose, because, honestly, Julian hadn't had a relationship that lasted more than a month and a half, and that was with James. He usually chickened out, not wanting them to get hurt because of him, no matter how much he liked them, no matter how much it hurt him to break things off, even if it hurt them a bit, they would get over it. Julian swallowed the drink, still hot enough to make him take quick breaths though a semi-closed mouth in order to cool off his throat. He'd met Ian in the park walking a monstrous St. Bernard named Jessie. The dog was what brought James to talk to him, and they sat down on a bench and conversed for hours, that was, until Jessie jumped up between them, and proceeded to lay on Julian, breaking one of his ribs and making it quite difficult to breathe. For three glorious weeks Julian and Ian spent time together, but his time was up when he had to leave for his next tour. Ian said he'd write, of course he did, Ian had been such a nice guy, but instead Jules had broken up with him, telling him he didn't want him to worry about whether or not he'd be alright. Was it a good call? He would never know. He'd come back from this last tour to look up Ian, but the man was found in one place, a headstone in the local cemetery. It seemed that no matter what Jules did, he couldn't prevent the death of those he cared for. How was it that he was still alive after serving three tours, and so many here were dead. It wasn't fair. But fairness had nothing to do with anything. He had settled on making sure that Jessie was in good hands, but he had found the large dog emaciated and almost dying on a ranch twenty miles south. Instead of calling animal control, which was what he should have done, he instead knocked on the door, and beat up the portly man who now owned Jessie. But the dog had a new home now, and that was all that Julian cared about.
It's always darkest before the dawn
Julian sighed, breathing deeply, slipping the book into his bag, he picked up the newspaper next to him, it was April, a beautiful month, spring was beginning, and all he could think about was the springs that he had lived through before, but not just that, the summers, winters, autumns... everything. Because with the beautiful new growth there was also death, with the rebirth... well something had to die. Rubbing a hand on his stubbled jaw, the man looked at the headliners for the news but he soon gave up, if this was what they called news these days, well... he'd rather just watch sitcoms. He was very up to date on his news, but he tried to get it from less biased sources which was increasingly hard as everyone seemed forced to choose sides. News, the most impactful news that Julian had ever seen was September 11, 2003. He'd been at school when the news came through, and everyone turned on their classrooms television sets, if they had one that was. He was a senior sitting in the back of the class alone. No one wanted to have anything to do with him socially after what happened with Rebecca, well not no one, just mostly everyone. They all thought he was jynxed or something. It was the news that the two towers had been attacked that made Jules promise himself he would enlist some day. And Jules kept his promises, and took them very seriously.
And I've been a fool, and I've been blind
Julian drained his coffee cup, and walked up to the counter, asking for another cup, "Well, if it isn't little Jules Waters..." It was an old woman who spoke, Julian smiled, he recognized her, she'd been in this town since before Jules and his family had moved here, she'd been in the waiting room when Mattie was hit by the car, she'd been there with Rebecca, with James, reportedly with Ian. She was the kindest woman that Julian had ever known. "Mrs Reed! It's good to see you up and well, how'd that hip surgery go?" She'd written a letter to him so long ago, which he'd only received a few months back, that was the US postal system. Mrs. Reed beamed as Julian asked, "You always were a sweet young man... but you went into the Army... that place will ruin you, it's so ungodly..." Julian interrupted her before she went on another of her... the army should be a serious place, and should be religious talk. She was a welcoming soul, but she could get a bit... well ranty at times, and Julian just didn't have time for that right now. She looked over at a barista that Julian hadn't seen before. "Charlie! Charlie, this is Lieutenant Julian Waters. He's a pilot... Jules honey, tell my sweet baby grandson that the army's no place for him." Julian frowned slightly, "You know I can't do that Mrs. Reed, it's Ch-Charlie's choice if he enlists or not." Julian wasn't going to talk someone into, or out of joining up, because he felt it wasn't his place, it was up to the individual how they felt.
I can never leave the past behind
Julian waited as Mrs Reed looked disappointedly at him, though he was at a loss for what he was supposed to do, she knew his stance, she knew that he didn't try to talk people in and out of things, she was, while the nicest woman, also she was in everyones business. Julian looked over at Charlie who offered him an apologetic smile, before handing him his cup of coffee. Gratefully Julian took it, and retreated into the corner where he had been siting before, to drink his coffee uninterrupted. But there was a small piece of paper in the piece of cardboard that kept his hand from getting too hot, honestly, the name was blanking in Julian's mind. On the paper was Charlie's name, and a number... was it that obvious he was gay, Julian took out his phone and looked at his face. He had a crooked nose from friendly... and not so friendly fighting bouts. He was missing a tooth in the back of his mouth, and his teeth were light yellow color. His hair was shaved into the basic crew cut, and over all he didn't feel as though he looked particularly gay. What was giving off this vibe to Charlie? He couldn't have his entire hometown knowning he was gay, getting all up in his business. While don't ask don't tell was no longer a thing, he still didn't want to be seen as 'that gay guy in the platoon'. He worked as hard as everyone else, and if he came out, he'd be working ten times harder for the same recognition. No, he'd rather let everything stay as it was. But Charlie was cute, and he was leaving in a week, Julian weighed the costs.
I can see no way, I can see no way
Julian got up to leave, tossing his cup in the trashcan, but keeping the small piece of paper crumpled up in his pocket, and resting against his thigh. He could feel the sharp edges dig into it, and could sense that there were probably a few bumps in his pocket from the scrap of paper with a phone number. As he left the coffee shop, he dropped a five dollar bill in the tips jar on the way out, he might as well spread his money around his local community before he went back overseas. Charlie followed him, and Julian made his decision. "Look kid, I'm not gay... but thanks for the interest." Charlie didn't look particularly crestfallen. "Gay? Who said anything about gay? I was giving you my number so we could talk about my enlisting. My grandma's really overprotective since my dad-." Well, Julian felt particularly stupid, and also just a tad disappointed, no, he didn't care for Charlie, but it was a bit sad that Charlie hadn't seen him as attractive. "Since your dad died serving his country in the miliatry." Julian finished quietly, he knew the story, who didn't. "Look kid, I'm not going to tell you what to do, or not to do. I'm not some recruiter, and I'm not a naysayer. I love the army, but I know it's not for everyone... so make your decision wisely." Julian turned to walk down the street, and began his long trek to the grocery store at the other end of town. Hubert Steele, Becca's dad was still around and running it, and Julian hadn't met face to face with him in twelve... thirteen years. He wasn't about to start now, so that meant walking to the grocery a mile in the other direction.
I'm always dragging that horse around
Julian left the store, two bundles under his left arm, and both arms burdened with bags which he would now proceed to carry three and a half miles in the opposite direction. But this was nothing compared to his basic training, waking up at the crack of dawn and runny six miles... that was hell on him, but he'd gotten used to it, and still did it when he got home because he felt like it was important to stay in shape, not just for meaningless hookups that he didn't call the next day, while feeling like a total douche about it. But also because his body was important to him. As he made his way home ghosts from his past nodded to him, waved to him, and in every reflection he saw his life pass before his eyes. Him as a little kid, no more than seven, racing down the street with a parcel under his arm... or going shopping for hats with his mother, and trying on all of the fancy ones that she bought. The 80s and 90s had been interesting years, but his parents were very respectable people.
All of his questions, such a mournful sound
As he neared the house he spent his childhood in, he took in a short gasp, he hadn't been back here since his deployment.... his first deployment. He'd stayed other places around town, but he was finally ready to come to terms with his family, and tell them... not because he wanted to, but because he needed to. It wasn't like he had gotten anyone pregnant, no that was not why a son told his father and mother he was gay. It was because it hurt every moment he was around them, he ached to tell them, ached to have them hug him and tell him it was alright. Making his way up the sidewalk, he pushed the gate aside, and smiled at the cheerful picket fence that had protected this yard for who knew how many years. There was a small garden that hadn't been there before, and a playset for the grandkids, but besides that, nothing had changed. Walking briskly up the steps he knocked on the door, or more like tapped on it with his shoe because his arms were so full. As the door was opened, and greeted him with the happy, loving face of a mother, Julian stepped in, and put the bags on the ground. He was greeted with change, the inside of the house looked completely different, he wondered what his old room looked like... and what had happened. A soft thump thump caught his attention, and an old dog limped up, "Sampson old buddy!" The lab had to be at least fifteen years old, and he looked it, but in his eyes, the dog would always be the puppy that he and his family had taken home from the shelter. Sampson's tail wagged and he nuzzled his boy, he remembered him, he loved him. Wet kisses covered Julian's face as he knelt beside his beloved dog, and hugged him, stroking his face and neck. Screaming children greeted him next, two rambunctious boys, "Mikey! Jordan! You've both grown, I can tell!" He announced roughing up the hair on his nephews heads as his older sister looked on in amusement. Standing Julian gave his sister a long embrace, "Kelly, you haven't changed a bit. I mean look at you, you still look twenty." He wasn't lying, Kelly had always been a knockout.
Tonight I'm going to bury that horse in the ground
He was just finishing up making dinner, and as he carried the food to the dining room table, which had been expanded because of the company they sat down to pray. Julian wasn't about to tell them that he wasn't a believer anymore, he was still working up the courage to come out, denouncing his faith would likely give his aging parents a heart attack. As the prayer finished, and they began to eat, his father looked at him, "So, JW. How's the military?" Julian shrugged his shoulders. "It's good you know, Rick got shot, but the docs say he's going to pull through." Rick was another kid who had grown up in this town, probably the only that Julian knew from the battlefield as well as the small town he grew up in. "So, mom, dad... Kelly. There's something I've been working up my courage to tell you." He saw a smile spread over Kelly's face, of course she probably knew, "You're getting married?" Jules shook his head, "You're in a stable relationship? When do we meet her?" His mother was insatiable. Shaking his head once again his mother attained a look of shock, "You got someone pregnant." Jules slammed his fork down on the table, only to receive a disapproving look from his father. "No mom, please let me just say this okay." He paused and his dad looked at him, "Well spit it out JW." Julian took a deep breath. "I'm gay." It had been a long time in the coming, but... it seemed as though his father nor his mother had any idea that he was gay.
So I like to keep my issues drawn
"But... but Jules baby, you went out with a girl, remember, Rebecca Steele?" Julian ground his teeth, and nodded, "Yes I remember, I went out with her, and she ended up dying because of me." The next question caught him off guard, he knew that people asked this of their kids, but... well he didn't want to answer. "Was it something we did? Were you sexually abused?" Julian shook his head. "No, and no, mother." His dad had remained silent through this whole thing, but now it seemed like he was going to speak, Julian prepared himself for an angry rant about how the gays were destroying the country, but instead two words came out of his mouth in a shout. "GET OUT!" Julian was shocked at the response, he knew his parents wouldn't be happy but... "Da-." He was cut off before he could respond. "GET YOU YOU FUCKING F--OT" Julian felt tears spring to his eyes, and Kelly jumped up, "Fuck you dad. You don't talk to your son like that!" Kelly had always been there for him, she knew how much he blamed himself for Mattie, even if he had never said anything. "You're father's right Kelly, he needs to leave, he might corrupt Michael and Jordan." He expected his father to say things like that, but his own mother? Tears streaming from his eyes, Julian stood up, "It's okay Kelly... I'll see you for brunch tomorrow." He said through a curtain of tears before pushing his chair back so hard it hit the wall and broke. Mikey and Jordan looked on in confusion, "Uncle JW, did you kill someone?" One asked earnestly, only to be shushed by Kelly, Jules ignored the question and walked out of the house with what dignity he had left. Standing outside of the perfect house, the perfect front yard, the perfect picket fence, Julian just cried, he had worn his uniform to dinner for his nephews, and a burly army man crying in a suburban neighborhood in Arkansas looked very out of place, but Jules couldn't move, hunched over slightly he knelt down, and ran his hand over the sidewalk. He had just alienated two people he cared about... and he wasn't sure if Kelly would be brave enough to meet up with him, he knew how much she cared about their parents. Tears streaming down his face, he knelt in front of his old house wondering if he could ever recover from this... from everything.
But it's always darkest before the dawn.
[4535 words]
[lyrics from shake it off by florence and the machine]