DONT TOUCH ME JUST FIX ME / O

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[fancypost=border-width:0px; width: 450px; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height: 125%]there it is again, that word. our. bill speaks of themself as if they're more than one person, and that has always intrigued you. one time— the first time, actually— you heard them speak like that, and you thought that there was someone else on shadowclans territory, working alongside bill. you remember asking (or trying to ask) what they meant only to be silenced by a clumsy blow to your face. the recollection brings phantom pains with it, and you absently rub at your right cheek, feel the faint sting of claws. and then it hits you how weird this is, to be talking to bill.

this is weird, isnt it? you're striking up a conversation with your assailant (not to mention funhaus' murderer and gordons very own demon), chatting the night away as if there isnt any bad blood boiling between the two of you. have you always been this way? or is there something wrong with you? ... you're too tired to get into things like that. maybe you'll reflect on it later.

besides, bill is talking again, and you'd be lying if you said you dont want to learn more about them. like them, you're also surprised that they're humoring you and answering your questions. you havent really thought of them as the type of person to bother with inquiries. then again, you've never sat down and talked to them before— not really, anyways. probably because there was more fighting than talking between you guys...

wait, what did they just say? "watch dreams, create nightmares, watch nightmares, do those to keep night interesting." you're jerked back into reality by their words, and despite the spring heat this night brings, you feel stone cold, face glacier blue, eyes round. nightmares. they can make nightmares. and they do it for fun. this adds on a whole new layer of horror for this feline, and you find yourself recoiling, almost as if they're going to suddenly lash out at you, or plague your mind with such devilish illusions, "you can do that? how?" your voice comes out squeaky, panicky, startled by this latest development. you dont need to worry about dozing off now; bills nightly hobbies have scared you to death. no, you definitely wont be sleeping tonight, or maybe even tomorrow. you start to fiddle with flowers slumped up against your throat, eyes rising towards bills in blatant bewilderment.

you shrink further back into your seat at their laughter, consider their answers to your questions in muted silence. you try to look as if you arent bothered by this, but you're awful at hiding your emotions; currently, your face is overtaken with horror, frustration, and a lack of understanding. you sit there, mulling over everything thats just been said to you, "i dont believe you." you mumble after a long pause, words quiet but firm, "maybe you dont get lonely, but everyone is scared of something. you probably just dont know what it is yet..." you push yourself back onto your feet, no longer crouching, and bring a paw to your face, rub at an eye lazily as you force your nerves to relax, features relatively calm, "you're so weird." you inform them then, pushing the sudden tension that you created aside with a twitch of your stubby tail. you shake your head slowly, the corners of your lips twitching up in brief amusement as you repeat yourself, "really weird."

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[fancypost=border-width:0px; width: 450px; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height: 125%]you've come across a lot of people who spoke in tongues or hands; for example, sans (the one that lived in shadowclan) knew sign language (he helped you relearn it!) and could easily translate wing dings (he refused to teach you that, though; said only bad people used it [so what did that make him?]). you havent met anyone who talked like bill, though. you dont know what a cipher is, other than it being their last name. who knew it was so literal?

you dont really remember much of your world, so if bill wants to poke around for backstory, they should go look for chara (well, they still might not get any answers; chara isnt much of a socialite, even when they're with you). upon coming here, memories of the horrorverse timeline have been suppressed and pushed back to the darker corners of your mind, locked away. of course chara has tried to tell you what the underground was, has tried to jog your memory, but you cant hear a single word of the place without slipping into a state of alarm, abruptly triggered into a panic attack by mentions of sociapathic skeletons and deranged goats. all you really know is that the underground, horrortale or whatever its called, was a bad place that you and them desperately wanted to escape from. and, since you two are now here in feralfront, you've obviously done that.

just like the weather, bills mood changes abruptly. they go from being somewhat dormant to snapping at you, and your heart skips a beat at the irritation evident in their tone and the annoyance on their face. common sense says to back off and let the subject drop, and so you do. you huff at them, blatantly frustrated with how fast the conversation has turned sour, but don't comment immediately. instead you process the scene you just witnessed, quickly analyze bills reaction. you've struck a nerve, and they were quick to defend their claims which only makes you more certain that they're not being truthful. despite their claims, big bad cipher's got some skeletons in their closet and you know that now. well, whatever; bill can lie all they want but for once, you've seen right through them.

your mind buzzes with this knowledge that they've loaded onto you, and with each answer only more questions surfaced. bills being very vague, and that's a tad bit frustrating. you open your mouth to once again challenge their claims, reconsider, and then close it. its probably not a wise move on your part to keep sassing them-- the two of you are alone, its dark, nobody else seems to be nearby, and you know bills a violent person (but would they attack you, now that you're clanmates? a good question, but you're not quite ready to know the answer). besides, you're not certain bill is going to answer anymore of your questions now that you've seem to upset them. after considering your options, you choose to tread cautiously. backpedal, "is gordon a dream demon too?"

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[fancypost=border-width:0px; width: 450px; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height: 125%]the similarities between you and them are downright eery. on the outside, the two of you don't have a damn thing in common. but on the in? you're more alike than either of you (probably) realize. both of you are creatures not from this timeline or even this dimensional plane. you both have successfully escaped a society that thought lowly of you (for bill, their town and for you, your village [and later on, the underground!]), destroyed said society (actually chara was the one who erased the world, but you can still be seen as an accomplice), and then came here. and none of you can go back. you don't know bills life story just like how they don't know yours (hell, you don't even know it yourself; just snippets of information and hard facts from chara now and again), but if you had you'd be very disturbed. to know bill as the person they are today, and then to know that they've gone through what you have gone through, maybe even worse, is a scary thing to think over. you could be just like them. but if reverse hadn't split from bill and been killed, maybe they could have been just like you. woah.

thinking about gordon has left a heavy feeling in your gut, guilt, because you haven't visited her since you came to the rebellion. actually, you're not even completely sure where she is. yeah, there's the bond you two share but unlike with chara, who you can contact at any time (unless chara blocks you for whatever reason), you've learned that yours and gordons link isn't as strong as that, and the farther you two are apart, the fainter the connection seems to get. you aren't sure if she's going through the same thing but to you, her feelings are ghostly, a phantom that lingers on the ripped edges of your own emotions. sometimes you might feel a soft wisp of anxiety or discomfort, but most of the time you don't feel a thing from her. you cant even look through her eyes anymore, or tell where she is. mm. okay, maybe that's a good thing. if she's going through the same thing you are, than she shouldn't know where you are or who you're with. (or maybe she does know where you are and who you're with, but like chara, has chosen to give you the cold shoulder and blocked the soul link— which would be okay! you wouldnt blame her if she has; its completely justified.)

so gordon is just.. a dream, incarnated? but not a demon? you arent sure how that works, nor do you see the difference, "but she can still make dreams like you, right?" you inquire further and as you digest this information, you briefly ponder on whether she is aware of this herself. she's never talked about it before, so you think its safe to say she doesn't know... which means that bill has been keeping it from her. and this observation bugs you to no end, an itch beneath your pelt. why? they wouldn't hide something like that, right? well, actually they probably would. bill's done much worse to gordon than keeping their lips sealed. they assaulted her, tormented her and billiam, scarred her and now that you recall this information you suddenly need to know; "do you even love her?" you breathe out rather abruptly, moving on from the topic of dreams and demons to family values at the snap of a finger. you perk your ears as you analyze their features, animated and alert, and see if they give anything away. hope that they slip up and show that they have a heart, if not a conscience.

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[fancypost=border-width:0px; width: 450px; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height: 125%]you notice their fur rise and you realize that you shouldn't push them further, but bills next comment, the first question they've asked you tonight— 'why?'— makes you ignore the red flag. ignore it, because sudden anger pricks at your brain like static, injects rage that intoxicates your system. this feeling isn't really new to you, but you've never felt it like this before, a hot-breathed monster wriggling under your skin. its teeth snap, jaws bite into you, but theres no pain; the monster makes you feel powerful, "why not?" you fire back, bewildered by the disgust that shapes their features, and a storm of anger-induced words threaten to thunder over your head. normally, you wouldn't let these types of things spite you, whether they were about you or someone else, but this came out of the mouth of someone who it shouldn't of had. so your own words come out hot, fast, stormy like a hurricane as you start to lay into them, "she's your daughter. you're her dad. you're a family. do you know what that is? its a group of people, blood-born or not, thats found and stabilized a ground of trust, comfort, love and protection between each other. when gordon and billiam came into the world, when any of your kids did, they came into it trusting you. you, because you're their parent; you were supposed to take care of them and raise them. they came here vulnerable and helpless and you were supposed to guide them and show them how to be stronger but instead you broke them. they didn't have any choice but to trust you— you were all they had and you threw that trust away, you asshole." oops, swear word. that goes against your moral code, but do you care at the moment? nada. "why do you go around and have kids if you aren't even going to care for them? you're so many things already, bill— a murderer, a rapist, a terrorist, a cheat.." words have been slewing from your mouth this entire time, your tone having lost the eiderdown softness that trademarks your voice towards the beginning of your rant. throughout the majority of it, you have been hard and concrete, but now as you near the end of your venting, you find yourself barely managing to get a word out, choking up. that rage you showed moments before is gone, the monster fueling it having slipped between your fingers faster than sand, and now all that's left is confusion and exhaustion and a desperate need to understand, "did you really have to go and be a bad dad, too?"

you pause for a moment to catch your breath, but you're not expecting an answer to any of these questions. you dont expect bill to defend themself, either; yeah, you're sure they're not going to take too kindly to your words, but they'd probably admit to what they've done with a shrug of their shoulders. whatever. "people who hurt others have been hurt themselves." you quote chronotale easily, able to recall the words so fast because thinking of them have been the only way you've managed to forgive (or try to forgive) those who have inflicted pain on you and your family— bill included. "so who hurt you?"

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[fancypost=border-width:0px; width: 450px; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height: 125%]the sight is always on; its whats putting the block on your mind actually, but you dont know this. what you do know is that dodger blue and alabaster flames are leaping up from bills pelt, crackling and sizzling in their fur, which is definitely an alarming sight. you instinctively shrink back, raising a paw in defense. their voice, already pretty raspy and distorted, drops a few notches deeper than you ever thought possible, which is a bit surprising— but not as surprising as the darker echo in their tone, something that makes bill sound like (to you) a bugged out computer or tape recorder. your fur rises in a perpetual state of apprehension as bill bristles at you, feeling your eyes widen despite how you try to keep a straight face but truthfully? you're scared, worried that if you havent already taken things too far, you have now. regardless whether you have or not, you are definitely pushing it. red flags are everywhere, and yet you still say, "you do have a family. you just walked away from it." although its a mumble overall, tone not carrying the strength that it had earlier. the monster that enabled you to do that has left you alone for seemingly the rest of the night, leaving you just as tired as you had been when you first climbed into the seat of the ferris wheel. bill's explanation (or lackthereof) for why they treat their kids the way they do has you shaking your head, "beating them hasnt made them stronger. it made them scared of you." and hey, maybe thats what bill wanted all along (which is fucked up, but a lot of things about them are fucked up). sure, gordons been beat, but she still doesnt give up (you watched her continue to argue after recieving a blow from chardonnay, after all) and you can respect that. shes strong in her own way, no matter what bill thinks.

"you're weak. will not survive in world" is what they sneer, and normally you'd agree with them but that was before you really took a look at yourself and what you've been through. yeah, you're not as strong as per say, victoria or them, but you're not the pushover you've been making yourself out to be. you take whats happened to you with a grain of salt, and just push forward. sure, the past catches up with you once in awhile, bogs you down, leaves you feeling shitty, but it does that to everybody. at the end of the day, you just need to remember that you're capable of so much more than you believe you are (sadly, you dont do this very much, which is probably why you're still caught in an episode of depression). whether you come to terms with it or not, you are strong, in your own way. an uncharacteristic smirk warps your lips to do their bidding, a bleak and humorless smile on your face as you muse, "im still here, arent i? i've been surviving. i'm strong. dont tell me otherwise." yeah, you look weak and in a physical brawl, you arent much of a challenge either. but you could be, if you fought back. you could be, if you put sans' training to use. you could be, if you applied yourself. but you dont, and you'd like to think that you never will. not again.

"trust doesnt break you. lack of trust does." you correct after a soft pause, voice having hushed down some now that bill has also calmed themself. "unless both people put trust in their relationship, it wont stay strong and it wont hold." after all, you've never seen two individuals whom trusted each other completely fall into tatters, have you? no, a friendship or familial bond only crumbles after one (or sometimes even both) turn deceptive. "a family teaches you how to be you." you say simply, as if thats common knowledge and you truly believe it is, "they protect you, and you protect them. thats surviving, too."

and then, the big question. you watch bill just like how they watch you, albeit you let your head tilt to a side dramatically. for you, the prolonged seconds felt more like hours, and the cloud of silence that settled over the two of you steadily began to unnerve you. you hear an intake of breath (have they not been breathing? you hadnt noticed.) and then their answer; "no one." bullshit. you dont believe that, and although you dont say you do the look that crosses your features is a dubious one. you already know bills a liar, could tell when they were lying earlier in the conversation, so had you been expecting the truth? no, not really. more or less, you expected half of the truth. but flat out denial? ha. you slump down in your seat and stretch out across it, roll your body sideways and glance at bill from beneath you lashes, "why do you lie so much?" you ask (well, demand really), irritation making your cheeks puff up with some indignancy.

[center][fancypost=background-color:;border:0px;width:450px;text-align:justify;font-size:8pt;line-height:1.4;]why does bill try to hide it? it confuses you whenever you come across anyone like them who just doesnt come right out with it. you don't understand, cant understand why people do it. what do they have to hide? its weird. and as for the question to why you're different? well, you're not. you're just really good at guessing and perceiving others emotions, whether that's through body language, expressions, or even the tiniest of quirks. bill is way too defensive and angry over this topic, which tells you right then and there that something is up, that they have some sort of opinion on family that they would rather keep to themself, or something occurred to make their opinion on family change. after all, you don't just one day think to yourself and say "fuck family", do you? no way, something happened to them to make them think like this, and you're fully aware of it. and if anybody actually paid attention, they'd be aware of it too.

bill's guess hit the nail on the head; you are frustrated over this, failing to see just what kind of points they're making. "making people scared of you is dumb. you don't gain anything from it." you express after they finish speaking and to you, there really isn't anything to gain from scaring someone; power? please, that would be short-lived. eventually, the people will rebel. eventually, that fear they have will turn into something else, something dangerous, and you're pretty sure nobody wants that. fear makes people do crazy, scary things. you would know. "family doesnt.." you begin to argue that having a family wont break you, only to trail off as you realize that the demon does have a point. you're a victim of that kind of hurt, after all. from your birth parents, whoever they are, to chronotale to arty and heck, even funhaus, you end up getting hurt a lot more than you do loved. in the end, you merely huff, "for someone who says that they don't have a family, you sure do have a lot of opinions on them." did bill notice you never really denied their claim, though?

now, their question shuts you up for a few minutes. you crinkle your brows in confusion as you stare up at them. like most people, you grew up into a society where words like 'lie' and 'truth' hold meaning, represent something, but you've never questioned where they came from. you haven't wondered about who said what they were, either. so now you lay there in bewildered silence. bills questions have boggled your brain, and try as you might, you cant find an answer to them. your eyes wander as you think, as if looking around will help you find the answer. no such luck. eventually, your honeyed hues flick back to their face, "stop smiling like that; its creepy." you rattle suddenly, nitpicking at them. bill will probably think that you're avoiding the question and truthfully, you are. you have no idea how to answer it, nor what to say to it. they've got you, and you blanch a frown at this. "mm, dunno." you admit to defeat finally, tossing your shoulders up into a meek shrug, "i haven't been around that long." you roll back over onto your belly, reconsider your words, "why arent you.. um.." crap, now you don't know how to formulate that question. you stop and think. try again, "well, why don't you say what really happened? or say what you really think? why do you.. hide so much?"[fancypost=border-width:0; font-size: 8pt; text-align: center; line-height: 95%; width:400px;] ✧ —AND I WALK THE EMPTY HALLWAYS / [color=#FFF]TAGS

[center][fancypost=background-color:;border:0px;width:450px;text-align:justify;font-size:8pt;line-height:1.4;]theres another thing you dont quite understand; power. you dont know why people want it so bad, nor why they struggle to keep it. being powerful has always looked sad and lonely to you, but perhaps that's just in the underground. you realize arguing otherwise with bill is a lost cause though, so you let the subject rest. "yeah, i guess i did." you agree with tempered patience when they bring up how you've been the one bringing up family, only to point out, rather cheekily, that, "nobody had forced you to answer, though!" and while that rings true right now, if you really think on it you probably would have bugged and pried at them until they gave you an answer that left you satisfied. but no, bill has been patient with your questions for most of the time you've shared here together.

their next words have you rolling your eyes, though, mumbling, "the past is what tells your story. it defines you. sounds pretty important to me." which is why you don't want to reset anymore. at one point in time-- more specifically, you're world-- resets were often. you thought that you could help the monsters, as the story goes, so you had restarted the world a lot, trying to find a way to save everyone. not only had you not been able to give every soul their happy ending, but things had gotten increasingly worse due to all the time-jumping. in the end, you and chara had no other choice than to erase what was left. you don't want to change the course of a timeline if it takes away someones chance at glory. you dont want to change it even if someone close to you dies, out of fear that something worse will happen to them in the future. "i've been curious about you." you answer honestly, not finding any reason to lie, especially when their question is genuine. "you came to me, and since we've been alone all this time i figured i could ask." you flick an ear at them. "in a way, you kinda set yourself up for it!" this is around the time you hear the slightest sound of claws grazing loam. ignoring the heat of bills glare, you tilt your head down to study the marks they've carved into the ground. you process this with a single brow cocked, and it brings you back to your earlier thoughts; will bill attack you, even though you're clanmates? that question could probably be answered now, in just a few hot seconds, if you don't stop. so you smarten up, fold your cards and choose to wait another day. you sit up, scoot lazily back into your seat until your fur pushes into the cooled metal of the carts side, and shrug at them, "buuuuut fine! i'll shut up about it." for now, anyway. [fancypost=border-width:0; font-size: 8pt; text-align: center; line-height: 95%; width:400px;] ✧ —AND I WALK THE EMPTY HALLWAYS / [color=#FFF]TAGS