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before
before the pain. before the suffering. before the loss. before everything, she'd just been a girl.
before riverclan, she'd been young and dim. she'd had a pretty face and a dog bite in her shoulder. she'd had no memory of anything beyond one phrase. "my name is paley and i'd like to join." she'd grasped onto that string because it was all she'd had. because she'd been abused from birth, because she'd buried her own littermates. because her father had tried to kill her. she hadn't realized it then, but if she'd lost that string, she'd have lost herself. her identity. she'd have been a kit with a tolerance for pain and a pair of pretty grey eyes.
before quietstar, she'd been an orphan. she'd witnessed her own parents die and she hadn't processed the gravity of the situation. before queitstar, she'd had big dreams and high hopes. she'd had a high pitched voice and shrill laugh. before quietstar, she'd learned to hunt from flamepaw and she'd held that like a prize. that, at such a young age, she could fish. she could feed herself. she hadn't realized that one day, she'd have to survive on her own.
before her apprenticeship, she'd been full of dreams. she'd wanted to travel the world, the clans. she'd wanted to visit the moonstone. she'd wanted to learn the name of every cat and befriend every leader. she'd wanted to unite the clans, she'd wanted to bring peace. she'd wanted to save the forest. before her apprenticeship, she'd been a little girl, a child. innocent and naive, no memory of the world beyond her clan. but she knew she wanted to experience it, to taste it. she wanted to know it.
before dee, she'd still been a girl. she'd still been young and youthful, full of life and energy. nothing could stop her, nothing could bring her down. she'd had the world at her paws, and she'd been ready to snatch it up and claim it as her own. she'd been so happy, so kind. but becoming a litter at such a young age did things to a girl. it made her stop being a girl and start being an adult. she'd had lives to care for, to shape, to raise. and she'd failed. they'd been plucked off like flies, each dead, missing, or... they'd simply stopped being her child and resumed being a monster, a murderer.
before she'd died, she'd been one of a kind. she was unprecedented and no one would ever be like her again. for a time, in her brief life, she'd helped change the world. it wasn't clear if she'd go down as a monster or a saint. if all the good she'd done outweighed the bad. but in the end, even starclan didn't know. they couldn't tell if she'd been a monster or misguided. mentally ill, overcome by her demons, or if she'd given into the demons. they couldn't figure out who she was, they could only see the girl that had been shaped and hand-crafted by those around her, those who raised her, who trained her, who loved her, and who hated her. she'd been so different, and they couldn't understand it.
so they his reset.
after
"my name is darky, and i'd like to join." the feline recited these words because they were all she knew. because they were a string and she felt forced to cling to it. she felt that if she lost it, if she lost that thread of her life, she'd lose herself. and somehow, she felt she knew what it was like to lose herself. and she felt terrified at losing again. she felt that if she lost it, this string, she'd never regain her footing. she'd fall down, down, down, into the nothingness.
"my name is darky, and i'd like to join." she reminded herself once more, pacing back and forth. she was on the riverclan side of the border. after all, it was this side of the river, or the other; there wasn't much of a choice. and knew she could stay on the other side, but she'd crossed it quite a while ago, so the dogs would lose her scent and, hopefully, stop pursuit. it appeared they had; she'd lost their scent, and the sound of their panting and heavy, clumsy paws. a massive bite pulsed on her shoulder, the blood pouring out in bucketfuls, covering her dark fur.
the feline was pretty enough. tall and unnaturally thin, with sharp features. her eyes matched her fur, the same dusky gray, like the asphalt on the city roads. her paws were calloused from moons of walking on the hard city streets, but she was devoid of the scent that came with the polluted city. rather, she carried no scent at all, only of the dog bite and the river she'd swam through.
the bite didn't hurt, but she knew it should. she wasn't sure why, but it just should have. and yet, it didn't. it didn't hurt. it wasn't right, but then again, her empty mind wasn't right. she had no memory of anything, no knowledge. all she knew was that her name was darky, that she was to join riverclan, and that she was ten months old, nearly eleven. she was to change her name to darkpaw. where it came from, who she was, she didn't fully understand and thought it might be best to not try to think about it. each time she tried, her head ached, the spot between her eyes seemed to pulse in the most unpleasant of ways, and it made her eyes feel heavy. so she ignored the nagging curiosity, insteading chosing to continue pacing to-and-fro, reciting her string of words that held the entirety of her identity. she refused to lose the words, to forget them. she hadn't much of a concept of anything, but she did know that this was somehow very important.
"my name is darky, and i'd like to join."
[1010 words!! anyways, this is the "reincarnation" of palemoon, as the last died (more on that will be revealed later). for those of you who weren't around for her introduction, this is the exact same scenario from her joining; memory loss, dog bite, crossed the border via the river, bleeding from her shoulder in the dog bite. starclan gave her a second chance to become someone better, as she'd gone off of the deep end, and put her into an identical body of a she-cat who had just died.
she is completely identical to paley except her fur and eyes are a shade closer to black than white. same bone structure, same body type, the whole nine yards. this would likely be obvious to anyone who see's her right away, but to anyone who doesn't recognize her, her personality is extremely similar to young / default paley (before anything that sort of corrupted her)]