AGONY / writing dump

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[hr][size=8]my other one was a bit disorganized so here is round two for my writing dump. it should hopefully be less cluttered and i think i might put some character aesthetics here too? i'm not sure yet but yeah. there will probably be A LOT of luxanie and other ships i'm apart of within her. [hr]

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sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head.
tw: abuse mention, self-hate, suicidal thoughts

he never felt more alone than he did now.

it didn't matter that citlali was asleep right beside him, henrick felt empty and alone. it was a feeling that washed over him like a tidal wave. following that was the feeling that he was been restrained. his eyes were staring blankly at the wall and he felt like he was trapped in a box that was slowly being deprived of oxygen. all the things running through his head seemed to fade into one thing and that seemed to pull all the breathable air out of the room.

an arm pulled him in and henrick felt like he was being thrown over the edge. the brunette male was out of the bed faster than ever before. his fingers raked through his hair roughly, gripping at the roots and feeling the need to yank the soft strands out. it had been a while since he had last had a full blown panic attack. all these feelings of self-hate, loathing, and fear were filling him. a single fraction of a traumatic experience pulled him deeper into the abyss.

an angry, older man with the look of hell's fire in his eyes was staring down at a cowering little boy. vulgar words blasted out of the man's throat, causing the little boy to shake in fear and try to appear smaller than he actually was. tears were falling onto the cheek's and hands covered the sensitive little ears. rough blows were thrown at the trembling boy as he tried to apologize for something he hadn't done just to make the pain stop.

blue eyes moved up to a slow moving figure approaching him and henrick pulled his knees closer to his chest. a stream of tears flooded the brunette's cheeks. the figure, which was citlali, sat down in front of hiim and stretched out a hand as a comforting gesture. that only made the him panic a bit more. if his mind hadn't been so clouded by fear and self-hate, he wouldn't have actively pushed citlali away.

"hey, henrick. it's okay. it was just a bad dream." citlali's voice wasn't very comforting and he continued to just sit there, knees pulled up to his chest, and stare at the wall blankly. one thought was going through his head and he wanted nothing more than to act on the thought in that very moment. henrick wasn't even concerned about how the wonderful boy he loved would react. no, he just wanted out of the life he was in. no more panic attacks or nightmares or feeling like a fuck up.

henrick didn't realize the things he was thinking had been spoken. he hadn't even noticed that citlali was beside him, holding him. the boy's mind was focused on that one sole thought. to leave the world and not even remember the physical abuse he endured from his father or being sexually assaulted by his supposed best friend. there was just no point of being on the earth anymore. what if citlali left him? he wouldn't be able to function. things would be worse. henrick couldn't take worse but he wasn't getting better.

"i don't want to be here anymore. there's nothing for me here." henrick spoke with the knowledge that citlali was sitting beside him. the wonderful boy he was privilledged to be dating pulled him closer and shook his head. the words citlali said were repetative. he repeated that he would always be here and that he loved him.

citlali could say that as much as he wanted but he didn't understand how much emotional pain he was in. henrick wanted it all gone and if that meant dying, than so be it. whatever was needed to make it end.

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sometimes you gotta bleed to know that you're alive.
tw: homophobia, sucidal thoughts, clashley angst

life seemed okay at the moment.

that was the though cleo was trying to cling to with every passing second. he needed life to be okay, or at least seem that way. millie and ashley were already worried about him. no matter how many times he tried to convince them he was fine, they were insistent in saying he wasn't. this was so frequent that cleo just stopped arguing and talking about it all together. his parents were causing a lot of problems and being degrading and continue to say that everything cleo was and believed was a horrible thing, disgusting actually.

cleo was sitting on the sofa of the apartment he had been sharing with millie and ashley. his eyes traced the sentences in the textbook in his lap. his two friends were away and he was relishing being alone in the small apartment. the weather outside reflected his mood: depressing, devoid of anything good, and full of darkness. rain poured down heavily and cleo shut the book and stared out the window, wondering what it would be like to be a raindrop and not have to worry about homophobic and verbally abusive parents.

the thoughts and emotions clouded his mind as he sat on the windowsil and rested his head against the window pane. cleo hadn't even noticed that tears had started to dampen his cheeks until the sound of the door unlocking brought him from his trance. he frantically wiped away the ghost of tears. there was to be no evidence that he was feeling less than swell.

whimpers and whines from malfoy made cleo turn his head away from the door. the big dog had a pained look in his eyes. it matched the way he was feeling on the inside. voices echoed through the apartment. millie and ashley were hom and cleo was officially putting on his strong and "okay" face. one problem was that ash, his best friend, was getting good at seeing through it.

"you okay cleo?"

the same question was asked every single day. cleo could say yes every time but if ashley wasn't convinced, things would spiral out of control. so, instead, he just wouldn't respond. that prevented any aaccusations of lying or whatnot. millie had disappeared off into her room and cleo looked back out the window.

"yeah, just tired."

cleo knew that ashley would snap back at him. the shorter of the duo was prepared. surprisingly, there was no sharp remark to counter him. cleo turned his head towards his blonde friend and saw a disgruntled look. the twenty year old felt the tension rising and knew he had opened a can of worms he should've left closed.

"why are you lying to me? i can tell you aren't okay. why won't you talk to me? we are supposed to be best friends." ashley's words cut like knives. cleo knew that his friend was feeling rather pushed away and unwelcomed and useless. that's how cleo felt every single day. unwelcomed and useless. of course, he didn't want to appear as a basket case so he never voiced how he was feeling.

"what the hell ashley?" cleo started out in an angry tone. "why can't you just leave me alone? so what if i'm not happy right now. it isn't a requirement to always be happy. why don't you do me a favor and stay out of my business." that was rather harsh, even for cleo, but he was so sick of ashley being so overbearing and not giving anyone any breathing room.

the look on ashley's face said it all. sadness, anger, disappointment, and shock. for a split moment, cleo felt bad. that went away quickly whith the response. "why can't i? because i care about you and i can tell that you are in pain and you won't let me help you. i want to help." cleo tried to block out the words. there was no reason to fell guilt about blocking out people when he wasn't feeling very good. it's like being sick but not a physical ailment but a mental one.

"don't care about me. let me be in pain and suffer on my own. i don't need you to hold my hand through everything." and with those words, cleo was up and out of the apartment. the sound of a slamming door echoed down the long corridor. he didn't care how ashley felt. he would gladly just fall into the abyss and never return. then he wouldn't have to deal with how his parents felt about him.

maybe that was for the best.

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sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head.
tw: cheating, henrick x citlali fighting, #stoptwistie2k16

henrick had little memory of the night before. the only thing that was in his head was the boy he was lying beside and the thrilling adventure of last night. he had gotten drunk or high or something of the sorts at some stupid party and it happened. the one thing that the brunette had sworn he would never do since starting a relationship with citlali.

he swore he'd never cheat but he had done exactly that.

now al he could think about was erasing the night, getting out of the stranger's apartment, and avoiding citlali until he figured out what to say. what could he say? hey, i got really messed up last night and slept with the first guy i saw. no, henrick knew he had to be a lot more sensitive than that. he couldn't lie and say nothing happened though. the guilt would bury him alive. henrick loved citlali and he had done the most inexcusable thing.

henrick knew he didn't deserve citlali in the first place. citlali was so kind, so accepting, so trustworthy, and loyal. what did that make the other? a cheater. a no good, lying, untrustworthy, horrible cheater.

it only took him five minutes to sneak out with what was left of his dignity, not that he had much. this would break the heart of the one person who loved him. the self hate just kept flooding in and henrick clenched his fists and felt like punching a wall. tears were starting to fill up in his eyes and his breathing had quickened and he wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

that's when his phone buzzed and his heart stopped.

hey where ru at? u didn't come home last night. i luv u -lily

for a good five minutes, henrick stood in place and stared at the text. he didn't want to respond because he knew he'd say the wrong thing. he'd say that he slept with someone else, that he broke the promise he made. god, he couldn't even begin to fathom what citlali would say. how he would feel. what he would do. without thinking, he sent back a message that said he'd be home soon and that they needed to talk. now it was time to own up to what he did.

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by the time henrick had gotten the courage to walk through the door of the apartment, it was 11:29pm. citlali had texted a couple times but henrick ignored them and waited to try and figure out what to say. he knew that the boy he loved was going to leave him. just the thought of that made the tears start to fall. how was he going to do this?

citlali had a concerned look on his face but it brightened when henrick stepped through the door. henrick had a blank expression on his face and felt so dead inside. the normal kiss from citlali made his stomach churn.

"henrick, what's wrong?" henrick couldn't handle anymore and he just stared at citlali with a sad expression. he was about to break the heart of the one person he cared about more than anything in the whole entire world.

tears were falling and he couldn't take holding it in. "i went home with someone last night. i was high or drunk and it happened." the look that flashed across citlali's face broke henrick's heart. tears were now falling onto the love of his life's cheeks. "you have to believe me, it meant nothing. i swear to god, i was intoxicated. i didn't know what i was doing. i love you." his voice was breaking as he spoke and all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around his boyfriend and comfort him. he was afraid that citlali would push him away and tell him to leave.

citlali was silent and henrick just wanted him to say something, to cut the silence and just break up with him already. "please tell me this is a joke. you've got to be joking." henrick saw the look on his face and broke down in tears. he reached out and tried to wipe away the tears away but citlali backed away.

"please, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to." henrick pleaded with him but the emotion in his boyfriend's eyes was anger, sadness, hurt, and so much more. there was nothing he could say to fix it.

"leave. i don't want you here." his heart broke and he started to say something but citlali stopped him. "i said go. i don't want you here anymore." anger was rising in citlali's voice and henrick stared at him for a solid minute.

it was over. there was nothing that he could do but leave. he had destroyed the one good thing in his life. there was no fixing it.

"i'm sorry lily. i wish there was something i could do to make this right." but there wasn't so he turned away and left, closing the door behind him. once he was out in the hall, he sat down and broke in a mess of tears.

he was all alone again, nobody to comfort or love him anymore.

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sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head.
tw: overdose, henrick x citlali, #stoptwistie2k16, suicide attempt

henrick had been at the party for a while before he decided to call it ffor the night and return home. before he had left, a friend had slipped him a small plastic bag of pills. in return, the male slipped the other some money. normally, henrick wouldn't buy drugs because he had told citlali he was done with that but with stress, he couldn't help it. there were so many things happening and with a recent string of multiple anxiety attacks, he couldn't take it.

of course, he couldn't take the oxycodone once he got back. it would have to be before he opened the door. once he got back to the building but before he entered? outside the door. that was the plan.

that's exactly what he did.

he made his way up the three flights of stairs and stopped on a few feet away. reaching into the pocket of his jeans, he pulled out the small bag and dumped the contents into his hand. henrick knew that there was no going back, especially since this was on top of the alcohol. the thing was, he didn't see the point in being on the earth anymore. he was certain lily was going to leave him anyday. it wouldn't surprise him because of all the problems henrick had caused. the constant anxiety attacks, the cheating, coming home high or drunk. he wondered how lily had stayed with him this long.

looking at the white pills in his hand, he counted fifteen. those little pills would stop all pain and the anxiety and the memories. one by one, he swallowed all of the pills and ran his fingers through his hair and unlocked the door. he just had to act normal and let the drugs work. then it would probably be too late.

henrick was greated by the familiar face and greeting, a soft kiss, of citlali and he felt like breaking down. his blue eyes lingered on lily for a few spare moments, his head starting to ache.

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thirty, maybe forty, minutes had passed and the effects of the oxycodone had started to take affect. his breathing was changing and his felt dizzy. citlali had a concerned look on his face when henrick had to use the wall to support himself.

"hey, henry, are you okay?"

the question didn't make it through his head until about ten seconds later and he let the small pill pouch fall to the floor. a look of utter horror flashed across citlali's face and henrick couldn't support himself anymore and collapsed. the sound of his boyfriend's frantic voice sounded like whitenoise as he felt himself drifting into oblivion.

as his eyes closed, he could see just the faint outline of lily who was freaking out and talking on the phone. henrick was drifting in and out of consciousness and he could barely make out the words that lily was saying. "henry, what did you take? how much did you take? henry, you have to stay awake." but he was already slipping into complete darkness and there was nothing that lily could do.

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there was a steady beeping coming from a machine and blue eyes snapped open. he was in a clean and bleak room. machine beeped and bleeped and henrick glanced around. a hospital room. no. he had failed. lily had been able to get the ambulance there too fast. no. this couldn't be happening. this wasn't supposed to happen.

in the chairr beside the bed was a sleeping lily. tears stained his cheeks and henrick looked down at his arm. an iv was pumping liquid into his arm and he wass no longer in his jeans but one of the thin hospital gowns. "no, it wasn't supposed to be like this. you weren't supposed to save me." with those words, citlali stirred and woke up. the look on the male's face was a look of pure relief.

"you don't realized how much you scared me. henry, why?"

"because i wanted to die..."

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it's all we're good for while we're young and insecure.
tw: cute tiberson, mistletoe, gayyyy

tiberius dawson hadn't really figured out who he was. the only things he was certain of were that he was gay and that he was falling in love with his best friend. sounds romantic doesn't it? well, for the high schooler it was hell. emerson was the person he cared so much about but he was certain feelings were not reciprocated. tib was too awkward to say something about it and he knew about emerson's past. there was no way to go about it correctly so it was best to stay away from the subject all together.

of course, tiberius would just continue on with the friendship and not say a single thing. he would be stuck in the friendzone because he was too scared to get out of it. not that it matter, tiberius was comfortable there and it was best to stay where he was comfortable.

this holiday party was a spur of the moment thing that he had decided to attend. emerson had invited him a few weeks back but tiberius was never sure but he finally agreed to go. there was no way to avoid him forever so he'd rather just spend time with him even though things wouldn't progress further.

tiberius was at the door and the person who opened it was emerson and he smiled. his hands tugged at his sleeves, feeling a bit insecure as he entered the familiar household. there were people talking and christmas music played in the background. the atmosphere of the house was calm and cozy and it made him feel more comfortable.

time passed and tiberius became more and more comfortable in the situation. laughter and sharing of stories spread throughout the night. people slowly trickled out and tiberius stayed longer, talking with emerson. the soft ding from his phone. his eyes turned away from the boy he was enraptured with to see a text from his dad. it said something about getting home soon because it was getting late. the thing was, he didn't want to leave.

still, tiberius knew better than to stay longer than his father wanted him to. "hey, i - uh - gotta go." he spoke, the awkwardness creeping into his voice and he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. he'd rather not go home to his dad and step-mom and step-siblings. tiberius just wanted to spend the night talking with emerson like he had done so many times before.

then the were there, standing just inside the front door and tiberius almost missed it. a small sprig of mistletoe hung from the top of the door frame. he glanced back at emerson. the other had noticed the plant that hung above their heads. a nervous laugh found its way from tiberius and he looked at emerson with a cautious expression.

tiberius knew all about the incident in emerson's past and didn't want to make his friend uncomfortable. they were already close, an inch or so apart, and it was almost sub-conscious. he was leaning in and a good two second moment passed until there wasn't a distance anymore. it was new and exciting and tiberius never wanted the kiss to end. the feeling or sparks and electricity coursed through his body and when it was over, all he wanted was the feeling back.

it was the start of something magical to say the least.

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over and over the only truth, everything comes back to you
tw: luxanie fluff and cuteness, mentions of sister angst

nobody thought it would last more than a few weeks. she'd see that he was a player with destructive tendancies and leave him. xanie didn't see it that way. she'd fought her sister and pushed through lies so that she could have him. it seemed that fate had brought them together and while they didn't get along right away, she slowly fell more in love with lucky. he was like a missing puzzle piece that she had finally found. they fit perfectly.

when her eyes met his the moment she stepped through the school doors, her heart soared. xanie had dated guys before but it wasn't like this. the warmth she felt in her very soul when she was around him. her feet carried her short figure towards him and she was enveloped in a hug. xanie felt safe within his arms, like no one could touch her or cause her harm.

a soft kiss pressed against the top of her head and xanie pulled back slightly to look up at lucky. he was hers. she was his. it was a dream come true. "how are you?" his voice was like music and she smiled and pulled back, letting her hand find it's home within his. her brown eyes moved from looking up at him and down to their intertwined hands her smile only grew as she thought of her answer.

"i'm as good as i can be at school," she spoke, following alongside him towards their first class, "at least i have you to make the day bearable." xanie added the second part with a soft laugh. she never wanted to let go of his hand ever or part from him. her happiness came from him. zip didn't approve and continued to try and split them up. whether it was saying that lucky didn't actually care about her or that lucky was cheating, zip was trying to find a way to get between them. xanie wouldn't let it happen. she loved lucky and zip would have to deal with it.

xanie had been lost in her thoughts before lucky gave her hand a gentle squeeze to bring her out of her trance. "you okay?" the concern in his voice made her glance up to him and she nodded her head, blowing it off as being lost in thought. it wasn't abnormal for her to just drift into her own world where she was alone with her thoughts. just, now she was thinking about how her own sister didn't approve of her happiness. it saddened the young brunette but she pushed it aside. xanie would put her personal happiness first. she'd rather be happy with a boy zip didn't approve of than unhappy because she broke up with a boy her sister didn't approve of.

taking a deep breath, she stopped walking and looked up at lucky. "do you think we're doing the right thing, staying together? because zip, she doesn't like you and-" but her rambling was cut off by lips on her own. xanie melted like butter into his kiss. her heart was flying and her stomach had butterflies. lucky didn't even have to say a thing to make her realize that something that felt right couldn't be wrong no matter what others thought.

"hey, i love you. who cares what your sister thinks? i'm happy, you're happy. that's all that really matters, okay?"

xanie's breath got caught in her throat and she couldn't keep the joy off her face. he planted a gentle kiss on her forehead and she wrapped her arm around his torso. lucky's arm slipped around her shoulders. "you're right. i don't know what i was thinking." xanie felt a little relieved and she felt more reassured in her choice to be with lucky.

"i love you too."

[align=center][fancypost borderwidth=0; width: 300px; font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify; line-height: 110%;]yes hello paddy!!!!! hopefully opening the thread and seeing all the henrick posts and clashley post right away wasn't too triggering

[align=center][fancypost borderwidth=0; width: 300px; font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify; line-height: 110%;]jk, im actually working on writing some more angst. probably based off the song amnesia or wherever you are or worst luck

you can choose which ship tho:
henrick x citlali
bleo
clashley
luxanie
tiberson

but after this angst thing (because im thinking about what im gonna write) expect some really cute clashley or henrick and citlali

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clashley, henrick and citlali, bleo, luxanie, or tiberson

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walls are closing, closing me in; wearing me thin with fear.
tw: cassamie, #stoptwistie2k16, panic attack, abuse mention

his heart rate was racing. tears were falling uncontrollably. everything was spinning. his fingers gripped the thin fabric of the bedspread, trying to calm himself down. every fiber of his beaning was shaking and his breathing was so unsteady. a memory of pain and suffering filled his mind. he could control his shaking figure. the desparate attempt to grasp his phone to call someone, anyone, was met with it falling out of his trembling fingers.

it was just a panic attack. it will pass. they always did. it was always easier with jamie around. but today was the one day jamie didn't get home right away. there was no comforting arm or soft voice to say it was okay. that was what cassidy needed. he needed his rock and his best friend. nothing was worse than going through a panic attack with nothing but the blank walls to stare back at you.

the sound of the door opening made cassidy's shaking body url up into a tight ball. a voice called but he couldn't answer. it felt like his mouth was frozen shut. footsteps echoed and a light filled the darkness. the voice seemed muffled in sound and cassidy understood nothing leaving the other's mouth. fingers slowly brushed through his hair. still, it felt like he couldn't catch his breath. he couldn't hear what jamie was saying. white noise. a distant hum.

panic attacks hadn't been this bad since he graduated college. they were particularly bad in high school because he lived with his father. a man who was supposed to protect him but hurt him instead. this felt worse than any panic attack he'd ever had in the past.

"cass? cass? cassidy?" the sound of his freightened boyfriend's voice was clearing only slightly. everything remained completely distant. he wanted to just tell jamie he was fine and that it would pass but he feared it wouldn't. his whole body felt like it was shut down completely. nothing except strained breaths and tears happened.

he felt the shift of jamie's body as he reached for his phone. "hey, it's okay cass. i'm calling 911. you're going to be okay. i love you. remember that." the clarity of the words didn't shift and his brown eyes flickeed up to look at the boy he loved. a hand held his and squeezed it tightly. the mumbled voice of jamie talking to someone on the phone was no long audible.

it felt like years had passed when paramedics finally arrived. he was carried off on a stretcher, jamie reaking out the whole time. cassidy had no idea what was going on but hee knew that he felt his eyelids grow heavy like bricks. that made jamie freak out more but the other was met with the explanation that it was a sedative to help calm cassidy's breathing.

until he felt the blanket of darkness conquer him, cassidy knew that jamie was right by his side. the other never left no matter what.