SIDE TO SIDE — private

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    she'd never really wanted to be a mother.


    perhaps figuratively, it sounded appealing. six moons thrown out, and then you got to be proud of a pawful of apprentices, and whatever they'd become after that. it sounded ideal, easy.


    but she'd become a bloody den mother.


    all day, she worked. she hunted, she patrolled. and when she returned to camp, she worked more. watched the kits, carted fresh kill back and forth, took trips to the dirt place with them. she chastised bad behavior and poor choices, she told stories and soothed bad dreams.


    she really hated it.


    perhaps it would have been better if she weren't the only queen. or if she didn't have to manage seven kits, having adopted bramblekit and pansykit. perhaps it would have been easier if her father wasn't teetering on the brink of insanity, and she constantly swatted away inquiries on her own children's father.


    after all, how could she tell her children, or anyone really, about him? it was pathetic; all she knew was his status as an elite guard in bloodclan. not his kin, his hobbies, or even him name.


    she felt... judged. eight moons and a queen, without a father for her children. but she'd never cared about being judged, she'd always been too stubborn for that. and she was too stubborn to sit around watching children sleep all night.


    perhaps the only perk of being young was how effortlessly she fell back into her old pace. how easily she'd lost the weight, the scent of the nursery. she looked older than before, yet somehow the same. always tireless, always thinking. the gears behind those sharp, intelligent eyes never stopped turning for even a second. she'd sort it out, all of it. she always had, after all. she was good at that, at cleaning up the messes.


    she sat at the river, like she did so often. it was night, early morning, really. the sky was a sliver in the sky, and while most of the camp slept, the feline found herself wide awake near the border, and terribly bored.

    [fancypost bgcolor=none; bordercolor=transparent; borderwidth=0px; width: 410px;font-size:8pt;line-height: 180%;][justify] — Smoke never planned on having kits. Nor a mate, for that matter. It was all overrated. A mate would just make you worry about them- kits would just be a burden. As much as they were good for the clan, Smoke never found himself wanting them. He found them annoying and vunerable. He'd have to force himself to worry about them. Who wants that? He had enough things to stress about as it is.


    This was in his mind as he woke again, much more used to the sight of the sparse den roof above him and slivers of silver sky peeking through. He ought to do something about that. He knew he wouldn't fall back asleep so he got up and slipped out of camp. He was an early riser, but he hated the way he felt so stiff from being still for so long


    His thoughts turned to Palemoon. She'd been hanging around the nursery. He hated to think it but she'd become a Queen. Did she consider kits a burden as much as he did? Well, surely her maternal instincts would tell her otherwise. But before then when she made that decision. What was she thinking? He didn't think she was the kind of feline to want kits in the first place. Perhaps it wasn't her decision.


    He navigated the Western half of the territory. It was becoming too familiar with him. The once barely-visible paths were worn down well from Clear Water members. He headed to the river to contemplate. He sometimes did if he couldn't sleep. Sometimes he fell asleep on the rivers edge, deep in thought.


    When he nosed through the reeds and onto the sandy bank of the river he spotted a light-colored feline. Palemoon. What was she out here for? He wandered closer and sat next to her. He was well aware that she too was up at odd times. It had become the norm for him. He was no longer surprised to see her.


    He peered into the ebony depths of the river. "Hello, Palemoon," he greeted quietly, "Why are you out here?" His tail shifted around his paws along the pebbly plain. It wasn't a demand, because he knew she had a reason.

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    she felt him coming before her ears or nose caught onto his presence. she quite liked the deputy; he was an agreeable tom. intelligent, unafraid. he had a cool air to him that she fancied might unnerve some, the way he never lost control. it soothed her.


    she wouldn't lie, she did think about him sometimes. he was handsome, intelligent, pleasant enough to be around. though she wasn't sure she wanted more kits, and sometimes she'd much rather her own at the moment just grow up, she fancied he'd have good ones. in the darkness, she watched his reflection carefully. certainly good genetics.


    "i got tired of hearing mommy." she said with a passive shrug, wrapping her tail around her paws. "i was so adamant on them retaining their innocence, but sometimes it can be frustrating, the lengths you have to go to to have so much as a conversation with them. two of the seven are mute - speaking to them is a giant game of charades, really." she said, a sigh escaping her lips.


    she wondered what would come of tansykit and scullcapkit; they were both terribly sweet and innocent, voiceless in a world where you had to shout to matter. really, if not for the adoption, she'd have tried to set the two up together, broken things worked well together.


    her gaze, the gray looking more like white in the low light, shifted to the deputy. "i could ask you the same. you're not stuck sharing a nest with seven kittens, so why be up?"

    [fancypost bgcolor=none; bordercolor=transparent; borderwidth=0px; width: 410px;font-size:8pt;line-height: 180%;][justify] — Smoke rolled his shoulders out of habit. They were stiff. He held stress there. He walked differently. Less gracefully. His closest friends could probably tell. His usually silver eyes were dull. He wanted this war over. Maybe if he asked nicely... They would just give it up. Did they really need it, now? He squeezed his eyes shut and moved his thoughts onwards.


    He liked Palemoon. He admired her in a lot of ways. She was smart, logical, and held the same ideals as himself. In more ways than one, she was quite like him. Odd. They were both odd. He listened as she went on to talk about her kits. A likely suspect for why she was here, as Smoke had predicted upon seeing her.


    'I got tired of hearing 'mommy'. Smokebreath cringed as she spoke. It sounded horrible. He knew he could never stand kits. They would hold you down. He shuddered. He let out a not-common chuckle at her final statement. 2 kits mute.. what a nightmare.


    She turned the conversation to him. He would rather not. He shrugged passively.
    "Couldn't sleep," he replied sighing, "How can I with our situation?" he scoffed rhetorically. He was so done. Maybe he really should talk to Six. About time. "How are they? I can't imagine.. ever wanting or having kits," he turned the conversation back to her in a groan.