WAITING FOR LOVE [&] STORAGE + WRITING

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Ahaha, I'm sure you'll be fine Pyre.
+ HEY, congrats!! That's pretty cool. I hope that it doesn't get to be too much, I know how stressful that can be. But I'm sure that you'll do great.

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This isn't something that I'll consider doing for a long, long time now, but I really do want Win to willingly turn his back on all these morals that he'd built up for himself. He doesn't kill, he doesn't touch people who haven't deserved it in some way. And I really want to give him a reason to drop that. Because deep down, Win has literally no morals. He's a completely blank slate and he knows it, so he's desperately clinging to whatever rules he can make for himself. He doesn't acknowledge it, but that works. He stops trying not to kill people because he doesn't want to be like that, and never tries to kill someone because he's not like that. So I guess that he does have morals now, however flexible they are. But he doesn't know that. And I want him to just forget about it. It's not necessarily for personal gain so much as... Who he is.

This would involve him literally abandoning everyone he loves and turning his back on them. And I'm not entirely sure if they would take him back. Not that he would blame them if they didn't, so. This is something that I'm going to save for the very far future. His endgame, basically.

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My bird died today and I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Win's off the hook for the time being.

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Thanks guys. It's okay. She's been sick for a while so I knew it was coming.

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Win splits his attention ten ways at once, and as soon as it's necessary, he can make it seem like he's only been paying attention to one thing the entire time. Like "oh that mysterious noise? you didn't realize someone was approaching? duh" even though he's been staring at the sky or some shit the entire time. It's beyond frustrating for some people, but he has to act like that. There's no way he can afford to not hear everything around him.

A good fourth of his attention is constantly on his surroundings, listening for new sounds and waiting for new smells. Anything that tells him someone is sneaking up on him. If he's in a crowd, another fourth of his attention is entirely on the people around him. Whenever B is in the general vicinity, at least 1/6th of Win is focused on him, look at this gay. But the same can be said for Bat, too. A little less so with Meg, not because she's not important to him, but because he trusts her to look out for herself and he's not as terribly dependent on her. Overall, you can trust another fourth of his attention to be focused on people. And the last fourth is making notes. It's almost like he's paying attention to... Himself? It's hard to explain.

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— Everything's Coming Up Roses by Night Terrors of 1927; lyrics
— I'm A Wanted Man by Royal Deluxe; lyrics
— Man or Monster by Sam Tinnesz; lyrics
— I've Lost My Way by MISSIO; lyrics
— Dangerous by Royal Deluxe; lyrics
— Jungle by X Ambassadors; lyrics
— Get Up by DOROTHY; lyrics
— Take It All by Ruelle; lyrics
— TITLE by ARTIST; lyrics
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— Stronger Than Ever by Raleigh Ritchie; lyrics
— Run, Lucifer by Adna; lyrics
— Blue Blood by Foals; lyrics

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THINGS THAT WOULD DESTROY WIN: [these are not plans, don't worry]
— Watching someone he cares about die, especially if he's unable to help at all. He feels useless and kind of pathetic and it will, in general, break him more than anything else. Because even if he didn't raise a hand towards them, he didn't help. He tries to keep everyone safe, and he can't.
— Being met by someone he's killed, or the family member of someone he's killed in the past, particularly if they behave aggressively about it. Not because he'll end up aggressive in turn, but because he knows that he deserves it and he doesn't know what to say other than that. He always turns his side and takes what he thinks he has to take, whether it's because he deserves it or because he's protecting someone else. But he can't fix this.
— Kiss him or hug him goodbye. That seems like such a small thing, but for him there's something very... Final about it. Because he knows that sometimes it will be the last time, whether or not he sees them again? Because people drift away and all of that. It's just incredibly hard for him.
— Having to kill someone again. And by this, I mean that it's a life or death situation for him or someone he cares about. If he does it on his own volition, it's not nearly as bad. But it is when he doesn't have the choice to spare them. It reminds him too much of all those orders he's been given, and how hard it was for him to move away from it. Because now he's right back there.
— I'll be adding more to this later, but anything that puts him in direct conflict with a close friend or his own morals will probably make it to this list. Anything from arguing with a friend to snapping orders at them. He can manage it without feeling, but not for long. He prefers to work with people.

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Win needs to talk about Talia. With someone he trusts. Not Bat, though, because there are some things he needs to say that can't be said to the kid he had with her. It's hard to explain whatever he feels, or doesn't feel. Because he does like her, you know? Or he did. But there was always something more important for both of them. Win didn't feel like he was supposed to be with her. (I feel like it's important to note that he DID NOT cheat on Percival, he never felt like he belonged with him either.) He got along better with Talia, and it was an almost forever kind of thing, but he felt like there was something else for him — someone else, maybe. Like I said, something more important. A job, a person, he doesn't know, I don't know. He just wasn't capable of staying with her forever. He never will be. And he's moved on from her, but I really do think that he needs to get that off of his chest at some point. They fought as much as they didn't, and it was more of... A accumulation of tension and frustration and anger and curiosity and heartbreak, all of that. Not real love or anything.

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— Win is okay as he is. No changing him for a while.
— Dark needs to be reworked or scrapped. I don't like the idea that he was originally based off of and I can't work with it, so. Maybe I'll just take out that part of him and start him back as actual Darkpup. Problem: he would cling to B too much. Solution: ?? None, as of yet. Work on this later.
— No muse for Maskedpaw, let him simmer. I don't do well with characters who have connections with an IC family unless I play them from birth, I guess. I'll see about bringing him back later, though he wouldn't be in CC.
— Perseus is fine. I don't know if I like SunClan right now?? I don't know what's going on. Maybe move him after the Hunger Games plot. THAT STARTS TONIGHT, so I need to keep track of that for sure. Development.
— Cagedbird is on hold. No muse. I'm not good with his personality rn.

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Win's bodies just keep getting bigger and bigger and I wanna put him in a tiny little feline body for a few days just to make fun of him. Tiny little kitty. Probably really fluffy. Generally not scary. Like at all. He will spend most of his time being happy that this body is not a vampire and probably eating regular food. And making pissy faces at anyone who comments on his size.

I also need to make his sparring thread later. IDK. Negative motivation right now. Except maybe for AUs. Post in delinquent AU. Ask Alloy if they are gay in this AU. Later. Kinda tired. Kinda not wanting to do anything. Should probably not sleep yet lmao, it's only 3pm.

Also, make an old man soldier character.

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THINGS ABOUT WIN THAT MAKE ME SAD:
— Remembering that he watched his parents died and since guns don't exist in this universe, it was. Not very quick. He remembers it in detail now.
— Promptly shuts himself away from anyone who could have helped him through this and runs away from Alfred. Hadn't had any kind contact from that point until later in WindClan. B's hug was literally the first kind thing he felt in months. The nicest thing before that was just. Not touching him.
— He's been trained to kill since he was a child. Not as young as Batpup was, perhaps, but long enough that sometimes it feels like all he's capable of doing. The conditioning still lingers. Winning a fight meant that he was safe for another day, and winning a fight meant killing the person who lost.
— Is practically unable to connect to people anymore because of this. He can't get close without fucking it up, and sometimes he does that intentionally because he doesn't know how to cope with having someone close to him.
— Literally the only thing he wants in his life is a stable existence but he can't handle that because of his paranoia. He has to keep moving, things have to keep going for him. WindClan was close, he was so close to settling down and staying, but he couldn't. It'll get better eventually. Hopefully.
— He's so bad at expressing affection that his form of kindness is literally just. Tolerating people. He loves so much and with his whole heart but he can't show it unless people manage to interpret in their own way. That's the best that anyone can do for him. Seriously. Just... Understand him.

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mentions of suicidal thoughts in the first thing; no details

— Win's been honestly suicidal at three points in his life. Never to the extent that he thinks about doing it himself, but where he doesn't care if he survives. He'll goad people into hurting him at any point in time (hell, he does that now), but that was... A whole other thing. I'm not going in depth here.
— He's starting to feel like he's cursed or something. His parents die, he loses Alfred, then Percival. Then he has nothing for a while, and as soon as he starts gaining things again, he loses them. Stevie dies, Talia dies, Bat doesn't want to talk about him and then isn't himself. Win doesn't feel like he deserves him or can do anything for him. He feels like he hurt Meg enough that she won't want to talk to him. He hasn't lost B yet, but if Alloy goes through with the circus plot, Win will lose it. And once this really sinks in, it'll be enough of a reason to withdraw from everyone. No more friends for Win.
— I'm not sure if I want to keep up with Win's very slow healing process. That sounds fucking awful, but. It's not in his character to be emotionally okay, and even if I would prefer that he was able to care for people and love them like they deserve to be loved, like he wants to love them... That's not him. I dunno. I'll think more about that. Maybe I'm just in a negative mood.

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I need a reason for Win to tell those close to him that he would do literally anything for them. He can show it, and with all the angst everyone's planning, I shouldn't have any problem with that. But I want him to say it.
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I also need Win to hug Bat. But in a way that isn't awkward or bitter or ending on one of them running away or something. A legitimate fucking hug. Please. That's, like. All I want. Win and Bat bonding in a way that isn't awkward or sad.

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This is really important to me; save for Win.
Now I'm just gonna. Go. For a while. Maybe Sleep.

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I. Have been in a really negative mood all day and it's affecting what I think about Win and what I want to do with him and I can't do that right now?? He's my vent character so he's. Basically where all of my negative thoughts are going, but I don't want to keep up with that. Basically I'm making a new character to get all of the Sad. I'm not changing Win's character, but he should be happy. Which is good. Because he needs it.

Happy things to think about, just in case this project fails.
— Positive Win and Bat in general. Win and Bat actually bonding. Being close.
— Win fucking forgiving himself for hurting Meg, now wouldn't that be great.
— His general disgust for vomit and mud. Win covered in mud overall? Yes.
— Tiny cat Win because of a shapeshifting mistake. Angry kitten Darkknight.
— Win moving on from his parents' deaths. Win allowing himself to heal a bit.
— Falling asleep in a patch of sunshine, looking lazy and relaxed and happy.
— All of those possible Gay Boysoldier AUs, because they're cute and happy.
— It's not possible in canon, but Win and Baby!Bat. Holding his newborn son.
— Children ganging up on Win over literally anything because that's adorable.
— Seriously, just the possibility of Win and Bat having a normalish relationship. Bat's going through a lot and Win doesn't feel good for him, but just. Pretend. For a little bit. Because they could, if there wasn't so much distance between them right now?? Win getting a real chance at fatherhood.

ADDITIONS:
— Happy Alfred things.