WHO I AM HATES WHO I'VE BEEN // oneshot

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    [fancypost bordercolor=transparent; width: 450px][justify][font=georgia]( tw for talk of suicide! and feel free to not respond to this, i just wanted to write more angst lmao )


    The sky was covered in clouds, the puffy gray apparatuses ominous and looming. Few black birds dotted the monochromatic setting. The air was still, not a tree stirred, no grass blew. How ironic. The perfect setting. How damn ironic.


    Jasper’s ruby eyes were locked on the ground, yards and yards beneath him. Any lifeform would seem miniscule from the height; tiny and unimportant. Irrelevant. How utterly poetic. Wasn’t that how all life was? Small, insignificant. Worthless. Nothing left an impact on the earth; everything was washed away in the sands of time. The world was mercurial; no one would remember you in a few years. And even if you managed to greatly change the world, give it a few millennia and the sun would go supernova, taking the Earth down in its one last show.


    So why did he carry the weight of the world on his shoulders? Why was is his duty to take on all these tasks? Why was he burdened with others feelings when he couldn’t even sort his own? Why him? Why was he forced to crawl the Earth indefinitely with no purpose? Scratch that -- he had a purpose. Massacring people, draining the life out of them just so he could further his own pathetic existence.


    He wished he could end it.


    He’d tried it all. Starving himself, drowning, everything in the book. But he knew it wouldn’t work. He was created to be a vampire killer. A killer of killer. There was only one surefire way to kill a vampire -- break the body and burn the pieces. Unfortunately, that was a difficult thing to do by yourself.


    But still, would it hurt to try? Light a fire under the islands and throw himself off the edge? Would the impact be enough to shatter his marble-esque skin? Would that put an end to his constant torment? Would it hurt to try?


    Who was he even alive for? Not himself. Awhile ago, he knew. He had something -- nay, he had someone. He had her. He had love. He had hope.


    But she had to ruin it. Maybe he would be better off, a non-humane monster, manipulated by a false sense of love. A nightmare with barely any humanity left in him, savage and dark. Slaughtering his own kind out of “love”. Feeling the pain they felt when their skulls were crushed and the bits thrown into a burning inferno was better than the pain he felt now.


    Unfortunately, it couldn’t have gone on like that. No, his eyes were opened to Maria’s abusive ways. And she had only one solution -- kill him. Jasper now regretted running from her. He should’ve stayed and let her finish the job. Maybe that would’ve been better.


    He hadn’t stayed. He ran away with his tail between his legs. And what made the whole situation worse was he still loved her. He still harbored those feelings towards her, even if she had faked them. He just wanted love. Did he not deserve it? He shook his head, laughing without humor. No. How many had he killed? Thousands? Millions? Too many. He would feel bad for anyone who fell for him. How could they love a monster?


    Jasper edged forward, eyes hooded as he stared down. Maybe if he jumped and the force did succeed to break his body, they’d cremate him. He could write one last letter -- not quite a suicide letter. Those were usually apologetic and thanked those in his life. He wasn’t sorry and had no one. Just a final request. Burn my body. Thanks and so long. --Jasper Whitlock Hale. He stood up, considering this.


    Closing his eyes, he hovered one paw over the edge.


    [spoiler=tags][font=georgia]GENERAL
    jasper whitlock-hale / npc x npc / agender / he/him / 30 months physically / 172 years spiritually / blizzardclan / combatant / russet tabby / eyes change color based on hunger / heavily scarred / demipanromantic demipansexual / southern accent / based off jasper hale from twilight


    PERSONALITY
    cold / stoic / majorly empathetic / cuts off empathy / self-loathing / militaristic / polite / southern gentleman / overprotective / uncontrollable thirst / has ptsd and dpd / logical


    POWERS
    super speed / super strength / project & manipulate emotions / eye color manipulation (uncontrollable) / vampirism / super senses / venomous fangs / glows in sunlight


    INTERACTION
    extreme physically / easy mentally / highly trained / attack in bold white / no kill / pm for capture / okay to powerplay non-offensive interactions

    [align=center][fancypost bgcolor= none; borderwidth= 0px; height: auto; width: 500px; text-align: justify; text-transform: lowercase; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10px;]
    (( jazz please no jazz I forbid this
    traack omg ))



    tags

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    [align=center][fancypost borderwidth=0;color:#B6D8C0;font-size:20pt;letter-spacing:-2px][font=georgia]A TINCTURE OF MEMORIES[/fancypost][fancypost borderwidth=0; width: 330px; color:#ECDBBC;font-size:8pt;margin-top:-9px;letter-spacing: 0px; line-height: 98%;][font=arial][justify]tRACK SO I CAN READ THIS LATER BUT JASPER AHHHHHHHHH


    TAGS 21/08/2016

    [size=8]In a different sense, Sapphire understood what he was going through. Her self harm was through different motives, sometimes unconsciously: "You're worthless, suck it up, don't make a scene. People suffer, you're just too weak to push through yours. Asking for help makes you a burden." She didn't have to worry on a grand scale, didn't have to fear the eventual end of the world. She would not live that long, unlike the clan's resident vampire. Her turmoil was more... mortal.


    But she still could understand wanting to end it. Hadn't her "scenes" been, in a way, a form of attempted suicide? She got so reckless she almost pierced her skull with an icicle. Lowering herself into that cave certainly was a death wish. Going into it, she almost knew she wouldn't come out uninjured. Half of her expected to die within the reaches of that rocky hell.


    She'd been watching the combatant from the trees, heart thumping wildly in her chest. It hadn't been long, but watching him hold a paw over the edge like that, staring down at the ground for so long... it was scary. From what she could tell, nobody was around except her. What if she wasn't enough? What if he decided to jump anyways?


    Steeling herself, Sapphire stepped out into the open, footsteps light and slow. "Jasper..." she called softly, biting her lip. The azure feline just took a seat next to him, staring off the edge with him. What was she supposed to say? They were friends, peers, but she didn't know him well enough. She didn't even know he was a vampire; she just thought this was spurred on by other reasons.

    [fancypost bordercolor=transparent; width: 450px][justify][font=georgia]( *spirts jasper with water* get! your! shit! together! )


    Surprisingly enough, Jasper hadn't noticed Sapphire in the trees watching him. That was uncommon -- vampires were equipped with supernatural senses, alerting them every time someone was near. But he had been too preoccupied. Too many thoughts on his mind. He was making plans that may or may not fall through.


    When his name was spoken, his ruby eyes slowly slid open. He didn't meet the girl's gaze. Instead, he remained staring out and off the island, a strange stirring in his stomach. What was stopping him from doing this? Sure, he'd probably scar Sapphire for life, but life was short. She'd forget, and if she didn't, she, too, would die. Maybe not by her own hand, but she'd rot away nonetheless.


    He could ask her. Who was she to deny him the favor? It wasn't that weird a task. Burning the body, cremation. He could tell her a half-truth, say it was very important for him that she did this. She would think it was some spiritual thing, probably, and would most likely obey.


    Or he could stop with the twisted truths. He could call it like it was. Tell her the unadulterated, honest-to-God truth. Tell her of the horrors he faced, all the innocent and guilty lives he had taken. How he unwillingly appointed himself judge, jury, and executioner. Then she would see. Then she would have no reason to not burn his body. Hell, she might even push him off the edge before he had the chance to jump. He knows he would if he was in her shoes.


    Teetering forward, looming dangerously over the edge, he spoke. "Sapphire." He voice was filled with a thousand different emotions, heavy and thick. Yet somehow light at the same time, as if he was finally content. "Sapphire..." He repeated. "Would you do me a favor if I asked?"


    [spoiler=tags][font=georgia]GENERAL
    jasper whitlock-hale / npc x npc / agender / he/him / 30 months physically / 172 years spiritually / blizzardclan / combatant / russet tabby / eyes change color based on hunger / heavily scarred / demipanromantic demipansexual / southern accent / based off jasper hale from twilight


    PERSONALITY
    cold / stoic / majorly empathetic / cuts off empathy / self-loathing / militaristic / polite / southern gentleman / overprotective / uncontrollable thirst / has ptsd and dpd / logical


    POWERS
    super speed / super strength / project & manipulate emotions / eye color manipulation (uncontrollable) / vampirism / super senses / venomous fangs / glows in sunlight


    INTERACTION
    extreme physically / easy mentally / highly trained / attack in bold white / no kill / pm for capture / okay to powerplay non-offensive interactions

    [size=8]His tone was chilling. Sapphire shivered, exhaling shakily. Jasper was... different. Was this the face of a broken man? Was it even possible to save him? She could stop him from falling now, but who's to say he wouldn't slash his throat, overdose? If a man was resolved to die, then... certainly he would eventually? Was she even powerful enough to stop this attempt?


    No, she couldn't think like that. She drew inspiration slightly from the stronger figures in the clan: Tama, Leon, Storm, what'd they do? Just, breathe, you gotta help him.


    She kept the silence a little longer, unsure how to answer. His life could depend on her words. She had to pick carefully. "It... I, um. Jasper. I..." she took a breath. "I don't, um..." A sigh. "I'd... I'd do one. But only if it didn't hurt you. I don't know what you're thinking, but... people need you here." Was that the correct thing to say? She didn't even know Jasper. These words felt hollow, empty, the textbook "how to deal with a suicidal clanmate" guideline. For all she knew, that would be enough to push him over the edge, quite literally. Her stomach churned. Gods, why was she put in this situation?

    [align=center][fancypost bgcolor=;border:0;width:450px;text-align:justify;font-size:13px;line-height:1.5]track
    Angst angst angst


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    info — updated 08/28