ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HEATHENS - adv. pafp

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    [Center][size=8][color=white][font=andale mono]plot - four teenagers live at blake memorial hospital in sacramento, california due to a variety of illnesses try to navigate life all while trying to cope with what life has thrown at them.


    note - we will each play one girl & one boy if that's all right ☺ & i know the plot & character descriptions suck, but i promise my ic writing is better. so please try to write adequately & be ADVANCED (please be aware that i can ask you to delete your post if i feel you don't meet these requirements), because to be honest it bothers me when people who claim they are, are not and then they simply drop out or the type of people who have like the best writing in the world end up never replying after the first post. sorry if i sound b.tchy, but it just happens much too often. & extra side note, please don't just ignore important details. i also recommend if you are easily triggered or are uncomfortable with sensitive topics to leave now. as well as keeping in mind that a lot of this will be unrealistic to what happens in real hospitals & some things may be over or under dramatized. thank you! also, sorry if the first post is sucky at all & keep in mind that the fc's are just suggestions! thank you if you acknowledge this note, sorry for the lengthiness!


    characters -
    THE ATHLETE (your guy)
    fc - edward wilding
    [name here]
    he's seventeen, nearly eighteen and he tends to be more serious than the rebel, but always love a good party or adventure. before he got sick he had a football scholarship awaiting him, although once he was diagnosed with a kidney disease, that seemed to become out of reach. he is pretty outgoing and brave but can be a bit cynical and sarcastic at times. he's also best friends with the rebel, and the boyfriend of the princess.


    THE REBEL (my guy)
    fc - nick bateman
    skyler "sky" cain -
    he's eighteen, making him the oldest, and is branded as a bada.s & "flirt," here for drug addiction that has led to liver problems. he is a bit more impulsive and carefree than the athlete, although he knows when to be serious. he's also the best friend of the athlete and is very protective of his girlfriend, the wallflower.


    THE PRINCESS (my girl)
    fc - helly nygard
    arabella "bella" melrose -
    she's seventeen, and was a proficient ballerina but is also an extreme perfectionist. she originally planned to pursue dance professionally but was unable to due to being admitted for anorexia that she was in denial about. she is known to be fierce and wild, also being an avid party goer who has a lot of secrets and an interesting past, which she usually confides to the wallflower, her longtime best friend. she is currently dating the athlete.


    THE WALLFLOWER (your girl)
    fc - kelsey calemine
    [name here]
    she's sixteen, making her the youngest of the group. she was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis when she was young, so she has always been frequently in and out of hospitals. she comes off as reserved and softspoken, but don't get her label misunderstood, she has no trouble letting loose around those she knows. she is also passionate about anything relating to the arts and uses it as a form of self expression. she's dating the rebel and is the closest confidant as well as best friend of the princess.


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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(http://s33.postimg.org/tml3mq93z/image.jpg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]BELLA EVERLY MELROSE help, i have done it again. i have been here many times before. hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. ouch, i have lost myself again. lost myself and i am nowhere to be found, yeah, i think that i might break.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]i had already been up for quite some time in order to get ready before my nurse, emma, came to wake me up like she usually did. because i knew if i didn't leave my room before she came she would inevitably give me a feeding tube considering i barely ate my dinner last night. i really liked emma, she was such a nice person and a good nurse, one of the only ones i didn't throw sass to, but i despised being tubed and it sent me into a panic mode. especially knowing i had a weigh in today, that's the last thing i wanted. at 5'2" i currently weighed 81lbs. yeah, i know the number was bad by the hospital's standards and it was by mine too, but in a whole different way.




    you see, i was actually doing quite well until about a month ago when my roommate, clary died due to her esophagus rupturing. she was bulimic and took it to another level, she would wait once the nurses left us after dinner and would purge into plastic bags and flush them down the toilet, and i would cover for her, just like she would for me. i don't think we realized how much damage we did to each other.




    we always wondered who was going to die or get discharged first, and i always said i would probably die before her. i mean anorexia typically has a higher mortality rate. but i was wrong, oh so wrong. her death...well...it set me right back to square one, i even had to stay in the intensive unit for a few days because i kept casually talking about offing myself and i just refused to eat anything other than carrots and grapes and they were scared my heart would fail. if only. death does not speak, i suppose.




    a common misconception about eating disorder sufferers is that we only eat air and lettuce, let me tell you, if that was the truth all of us would be dead a long time ago. yeah, i fasted, but in like 3-6 day increments, everyone has to eat at some point. 500 calorie day there, 300 there, fast there, maybe 640 there. you just limit yourself. that's all.




    also no, we don't all worship the goddess ana for perfection and think we're special snowflakes and butterflies and act like were possessed. f.ck outta here with that lifetime movie sh.t.




    i began humming as i finished doing my hair, already having done my makeup, feeling as satisfied as i could with it. i let my hair fall down my back, the loose blonde curls cascading down my back, careful not to brush too hard as to cause hair to fall out. i decided on wearing a tight white v-neck sweater and black leggings, pairing that off with brown suede wedges. hey, i was in a hospital, not dead, you better believe that style lives on. i then grabbed the gold locket off my nightstand put it on, smiling slightly. [the athlete] had got it for me for my birthday and i wore it everywhere pretty much, if that doesn't tell you enough.




    i stared at my reflection in the mirror for a moment too long, checking my collarbones, ribs, hip bones, making sure i could still see them. i did this every morning, as if i was terrified i would wake up having gained twenty pounds.




    after grabbing my phone and checking the time i quickly hid my cigarettes in my underwear drawer and my blue eyes scoured my room for anything else. i had to admit my room was pretty cute, almost made me forget the environment i was in except for the hospital bed and monitors beside it. i had a little nightstand beside my bed that had books and roses sitting on it. and in the left corner there was a white rug with a pink bean bag chair and a lilac one. right by my connected bathroom was my dresser and in the right corner was my vanity with all my makeup on it. finally, on the walls were lights strung around as well as pictures and posters pinned up. it was as normal as it was going to get. then again, what even is normal?




    once i assured myself that i was all good, i left, softly closing my door behind me and started to hurriedly walk in the direction of the cafeteria, eventually catching up with sky who was walking in front of me. he took notice of me and turned to look down at me. "wow, you're up early. trying to escape your ng tube again?" he asked, laughing.




    "you know it. i think i might actually get away with it this time. just get breakfast and pretend to eat it." i said with a smirk.




    "uh huh, we'll see how well that goes for you. do you truly expect [the athlete] and [the wallflower] to even let you get away with that? prepare to get some sh.t," he countered, matching my smirk.




    i just lightly and playfully punched him in the shoulder before continuing on to the cafeteria. the thing that i liked about sky was that he never lectured me like [athlete] and [wallflower] usually did, of course i appreciated their concern, but sometimes it was nice to be able to talk about it and even crack jokes about it without someone freaking out. i knew sky still cared, i just think he understood it better because drug addiction was similar in a way.




    i got in the breakfast line with sky and after standing there for a good five minutes, i got yogurt, a banana, orange juice, and scrambled eggs with toast. i might drink the orange juice and eat half of the banana but that was about it.




    after sky settled on bacon and pancakes with an orange and yogurt with some milk.




    we sat at our usual table near the far center window and sky dug into his pancakes, drenching them in syrup to my cringing, while i moved around my eggs with my fork, occasionally stabbing them with contempt. wow, so f.cking fun.[/fancypost][/fancypost]
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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_…58284513280/rxppLhvP.jpeg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]SKYLER CHRISTIAN CAIN we will come to pass, will i pass the test? you know what they say, yeah the wicked get no rest. you can have my heart, any place, any time. got so much to lose, got so much to prove, god don't let me lose my mind. trouble on my left, trouble on my right.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]i groaned after my alarm went off, rolling out of bed. i was only up so early due to the fact that i had vitals right after breakfast and didn't want to sleep through breakfast. i quickly texted [the wallflower], are you up, kitten? it's time for the most important meal of the day! gotta get that bacon. and then texted [the athlete], wake up wake up wake up. you can't miss the godsend that is pancakes and bacon. and i knew texting bella about breakfast would just be a bad start to her day so i let that be. i soon got on my shoes and brown jacket, putting my bottle of white moscato that i was saving for tonight under my bed. wouldn't be so good if i got caught with that. yeah, i was here for drugs, not alcohol, but you know, it's all the same relativity to them. i'd probably get yelled at for further damaging my liver as they call it, it's not like i was drinking five full bottles, give it a rest.




    i cleaned up some of the crap i had laying on my floor, such as socks and jeans, as well as some band posters that had fallen down due to my poor idea of taping them instead of pinning them. i readjusted the group picture of the gang on my bedside table and retaped the note to my wall that [the wallflower] had written for me when i was unconcious in the er from an overdose. it was too sweet not to save, as well as a constant reminder to do better.




    sure, none of us wanted to be here, but honestly i was very thankful for it because i have met not only some of my best friends but the love of my life, as cliché as that sounds. in addition to that, i also found the motivation to get clean, and that, that, was priceless. it wasn't easy, there were faults and slip ups, but it was worth it. frankly, there were times where i enjoyed this place more than the outside world. go ahead, say that's weird, i know.




    i went ahead and left my room, not bothering to shut my door and walked down the hallway, starting to slow down as i noticed bella trying to catch up to me. i turned to face her, brown eyes looking down at her. did she somehow get thinner since yesterday? however, there was only one reason she could be up before most of us, "wow, you're up early. trying to escape your ng tube again?" i inquired with a chuckle. truthfully i would lecture her and all of that but i didn't see the point in it, it's not that i didn't care, i just didn't see the use in screaming, at least not now. i guess it was because i understood where she was coming from in a way, she was addicted, just in a different way. i'd save the third degree for when it was necessary.




    we then got in line and i got what i always got, simply happy to have my bacon. for some reason though, that little jingle from a spongebob episode kept repeating in my mind. da da da da, serving it up, gary's way! i swear i'm not high.




    we then went and sat down at our usual table and while we waited for [the athlete] and [the wallflower], i dug in, making sure to add as much syrup as i could to my pancakes, purely to get a rise out of bella, making me smirk. although i did happen to raise an eyebrow as she fiddled with her food, stabbing it with what seemed to be a burning hatred here and there, if she wasn't as sick as she was i might've laughed.




    // sorry if this post isn't up to par! i decided not to put all of the backstory in a single post so i have more substance for the next post[/fancypost][/fancypost]
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    The post was edited 1 time, last by fawn ♡ ().

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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pini…e9584ad15ffa72e80c2a0.jpg); background-position: top right;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px;][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Clementine Rose Harding[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: none; border-top: none;][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    i couldn't sleep, technically I had no choice. with my disease, i can only imagine how anyone gets to sleep. my nurse, lora, continuously came in on silent footsteps, thinking i'd be asleep. however, when i looked at her from above my sketch pad, she only smiled, nodded softly, and walked off. lora was sweet, but i could tell when i was hacking or sniffling she'd wince in disgust. admittedly, i'd wince too if i had to work for a girl or a boy with cystic fibrosis. it's disgusting, hardly charming, and very disturbing. on the occasions they give me medication to put me to sleep, i'd end up waking at midnight, my body shaking with coughs and my eyes watering with the sudden intensity.




    it's the worst thing. it's like there's something in your throat and you cough and cough and yet it won't come out. except it's worse then that, at least to me. to me it feels like i'm choking. feels like i'm drowning. i sigh, running my slim fingers through wavy, silky black hair. laying here reminds me of being at home, for some reason. laying in a hospital room. a hospital room. how does that remind anyone of home? the collage of pictures, that's what. i have it littered all over my solitary room. I've never shared this space with anyone, and i'm grateful. here, when lora isn't around, i can let it all loose and breath raspy once I've momentarily finished. and when i'm sad and alone, i look around at all the photos of silly things, the gang, and home.




    brrring! suddenly i jumped to life, soft blue eyes narrowing in on the screen of my phone. i grab it out of excitement, because pictures can't fulfill every part of you. I've heard stories for lora about kids just like myself, friendless and hardly visited by their families. she entitles me the lucky one, and i don't respond because i know my words will be sharp and rude. how am i lucky? i had an art class, an art competition. colleges were already looking at me! i really had it.. had everything. and all my other friends did too. i smile, looking at my phone as i read over skylar's text message.




    they get me up when my family doesn't call in the morning all the time. they do their best, my older brother, ray, and my younger sister, jericho. my mom stays at home, but she's busy i suppose, and my father works for hours at a time. but my friends... they're here. always just.. here. i get up, running my hands through my hair, before patting my chest. clearing my throat, i get ready to go to the cafeteria.




    i don't apply much make-up on my face, my mother believed i was too beautiful for it but bella looked even more beautiful and she had lulled me into disobedience. i grin, apply mascara and liquid foundation of pale coloration. adding a hint of pink along my cheek bones for a rosy touch, a winked at myself in a small mirror on my wall. giggling to myself, i throw on a black sweater a bit too baggy which supplies comfort, and some ripped, grey tights. i haven't cared to dress fancy for a while unless i really wanted to impress someone. yet, i'm not always out there, and i'm merely a small girl with a few prominent features, and i refuse to be out there when i already get stares as it is. i'm not a tv! i can't be that interesting! walking from my room covered with photographs i remind myself i can't be. i'm in a hospital, and we're all the same.




    i walk into the cafeteria, eyes wide and hungry as i chew on the cuff on my sleeve distractedly. receiving a bowl of oatmeal and a large glass of water, including a banana, i look about the cafeteria. people who can get up are barely swarming around, but i don't pay attention to them. instead i find the beautiful bella and my adorable skylar. i shuffle over to them, alighting my food on the table and managing a faint, crooked smile. "good morning! good morning!" she chirped and instantly stared daggers at bella's food. her eyebrow cocked with questioning in an instant.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; border-left: none; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id…95c1607bbfba1bo1&pid=15.1); background-position: top center; margin-left: -4px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px; border-left: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Lincoln Dean Wolfee[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-left: none; border-bottom: none; border-top: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    waking up is like i have my eyelids tapped shut. heaviness and the feeling of being incomplete. i would've slept later, to be honest, if it wasn't for the piercing chirp of my cell phone. "skylar i swear to god. if that's you..," sure enough, upon grabbing my phone, his name pops above the text. i can't help but grin, and slowly get up. i wince, and click my phone off throwing it back on the desk i place my head in my hands.




    symptoms of kidney disease was often leg and back pain, i looked it up and my nurse bethany told me so. her voice was soft, sweet, and sympathetic. i liked being looked after, but i hated being treated like a baby. when i was in football, attention was often what i got. being a linebacker, shifting to a quarterback, and so forth was never easy and coach praised me for it. my dad did to, but now i don't receive praise. when i'm walking around and bethany observes my determination from the doorway, i hate her stare. i hate how she looks so amused, as if i just grew a pair of legs and know how to walk.




    hell. though i was usually mellow and upbeat, I've actually begun to hate bethany. her presence annoys me like no other, and i refuse to speak to her about how bad my back as been getting. every time she offers to put a pillow behind my back, i give a tight-lipped smile and grit my teeth when it brushes my back. right now it was either feel miserable and have bethany treat him, or go down to see his best friends. the gang... i may have lost football but the gang i still owned. my girlfriend i still owned.




    nodding, i inhale deeply and hoist myself up and out of bed. i can't help but give out a low growl when i do stand up how can my legs be better than my back? sure they hurt here and there but my back is simply a pain in the * and it's worse when i have emergencies and a jump out of bed. i scream, if i'm being perfectly truthful. i ball my shirt in my mouth and scream. but now i just breath, in and out in and out. my light blue walls are bare of pictures, but there are trophies. i've carried my awards and hopes and dreams here with me to keep me forward. why? why do that to myself? because my gang isn't in my room to make sure i'm active. these items of remembrance keep me on too.




    i throw on a loose green t-shirt, showing mercy for my back, and loose cream pants. i don't care how i look. i mean hair and face wise, there's not much i need to do. also, when i see myself i can only be disappointed in myself. dad worked hard. your coach pushed you! all for... kidney disease and those talks were unnecessary. those talks were degrading...




    walking out i check side to side to make sure bethany isn't on her way anytime soon. closing my eyes, i think of food and grin. food is good. friends are good. walking is good. getting away from bethany is good. anything is good and things are kind of.. good. stiffly walking to the cafeteria, i instantly look around for the gang. i catch clementine first, in her rosy cheeks and narrowed blue eyes. then i catch the back of bella's head and i want nothing more than to glomp her.




    impatiently waiting in line, i smile at those around me and get a surprising amount in return. i get a plate of scrambled eggs, milk, and a good amount of bacon. i love meat, what can i say? walking like an unoiled tin man to their table, i put on a gentle and yet bright smile for everyone. this genuine, as genuine as it gets. setting my tray down on the table, i come around and instantly wrap my arms around bella. "eh, not to surprise anyone but i just.. just need a hug this morning." he directed his gaze towards clementine when he spoke, already aware of her questioning look.[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]

    [fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 509px; height: 0px; font-size: 5pt; line-height: 2px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: georgia; text-transform: uppercase; margin-top: -3px; letter-spacing: 1px;]TEMPLATE ©BOKEH | BEWARE OF HIDDEN SCROLLIE | #BOKEHFANCY[/fancypost]

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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(http://s33.postimg.org/tml3mq93z/image.jpg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]BELLA EVERLY MELROSE help, i have done it again. i have been here many times before. hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. ouch, i have lost myself again. lost myself and i am nowhere to be found, yeah, i think that i might break.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]// was gonna be all dramatic in this post but decided i'll save my drama for my next post, so apologies if this is short/not super descriptive!




    i had more or less zoned out, completely concentrated on my food as if me stabbing and glaring at it would make it disappear. sometimes it was like i just forgot where i was, completely oblivious to the world around me. it wasn't until i heard clementine's voice, felt lincoln's arm around me, and sky snap his fingers in front of my face that i looked up and came to my senses, feeling my cheeks burn red with embarrassment. ugh...why do i always do this crap?




    i rested my head on lincoln's chest for a moment, sighing, although i sat up once he spoke and i gave him the slightest smile. "are you okay?" i asked softly. i worried a lot about everyone, especially lincoln, because when something was wrong he usually didn't come right out and say it, and knowing me, i always assume the worst. besides, i liked checking up on people, it was reassuring, even if they sometimes lied.




    my blue eyes then veered to clementine, taking notice of how she seemed a bit more positive than usual, god knows why. "is it just me or do you seem more chipper this morning, clem?" i inquired, truthfully wondering but also talking to avoid eating, glad that neither of them mentioned my ng tube or lack there of yet.




    i eventually did pick up my spoon and first checked the nutrition facts of my yogurt, 80 calories, before i opened it. i stirred it around at first, before taking a small bite, than a bigger one, and then calling it a day. i just wasn't doing this whole breakfast bs today. "anyone want my food?" i asked, offering it up.




    sky shrugged, "sure, don't mind if i do," he said, taking my toast and eggs and putting them onto his plate, to which he got some serious glares for. "what?" he said, raising his hands in defense, "it's not like she was gonna eat it."




    i gave sky a small smirk, now resting my elbows on the table, not even realizing that i was indeed shaking or even perhaps shivering. sh.t, it's not even cold.




    after sky cleared my toast, he spoke, "you know, bella, you probably should've eaten more because now it's gonna cost ya," he said.




    i raised an eyebrow, what was he talking about? was he trying to blackmail me? i couldn't help but laugh, "what the hell are you getting at?"




    "oh nothing....i just overheard a conversation between emma and your doctor last night...just worried, that's all. supposedly you're having seizures again?" sky asked, his voice starting off teasing and humorous but then grew concerned and serious. well, that's the con of sky's room being so close to mine. jesus, would he like me telling everyone what i've heard regarding him? no, i don't think so.




    you see, sometimes i got seizures or fainted when i became too malnourished, i hadn't had any episodes in a while, but recently they've been coming back. thank you sky, for always knowing how to conjure up trouble. unbeknownst to them, i was also pulling out my ng tube at night and then waking uo and putting it back in before daily rounds, but that could be my little secret.




    "...seriously, sky? it isn't a big deal," i finally said, crossing my arms and biting my lip, almost wanting to bang my head against a wall as i also saw sight of an angry looking emma off in the distance.[/fancypost][/fancypost]
    [/fancypost]


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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_…58284513280/rxppLhvP.jpeg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]SKYLER CHRISTIAN CAIN we will come to pass, will i pass the test? you know what they say, yeah the wicked get no rest. you can have my heart, any place, any time. got so much to lose, got so much to prove, god don't let me lose my mind. trouble on my left, trouble on my right.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]i gave clementine a quick kiss as she sat down beside me, and high fived lincoln as he came into view, rhetorically asking, "rough morning, huh?"




    they both then gave bella a questioning glance as she continued to treat her food as if she were waging world war three on it, i just smiled and shook my head.




    i reached over and snapped my fingers in front of her face to get her attention, causing her to look up and get pulled out of whatever zone she was in.




    i stopped paying attention to bella for a moment as she talked quietly to lincoln and i turned my focus to clementine, "how's drawing coming? and are you dreading family weekend as much as i am?" i asked, absentmindedly playing with her brunette locks of hair as i did so.




    the hospital had decided it would be a fun idea this weekend to organize a little event for the teens in the hospital to have family members visit and mingle and have a couple games and a dinner party type of thing, kind of how colleges do. frankly, i thought it was an interesting idea but utterly stupid. they were trying too hard to normalize and integrate us. maybe we were happy with where we are at. hell, we aren't even in college. i'd ask the rest of the group about their family weekend plans but i don't know if now was the time to ask. i've seen some of their parents and siblings visit, but never actually took the time to talk to them.




    don't get me wrong though, i got along just fine with my parents, it's just that they didn't get along so well with each other and my younger brother held some resentment towards me due to the tension my drug issues caused. oh well, i tried explaining it to him, but you can't please everyone, i guess.




    i looked back as i heard bella make small talk with clem and then subsequently offer up her food. no surprise there, but i hope she knew my services weren't all that free. i took her food, no questions asked, receiving glares but defended myself by pointing out the obvious, ultimately shrugging, and practically inhaling the toast first off.




    bella gave me a smirk of what seemed like gratitude, and that's when i spoke up, my tone going from teasing to serious to teasing and then back to it. "you know, bella, you probably should've eaten more because now it's gonna cost ya," i said, taking a bite of eggs afterwards.




    she seemed genuinely confused and possibly slightly pissed, so i decided to make things quite clear for her. i didn't mean to come off as a dick about any of it, i hope she got that, i just showed concern in my own kind of way. "oh nothing....i just overheard a conversation between emma and your doctor last night...just worried, that's all. supposedly you're having seizures again?" once i got the words out, bella looked mortified and clem and lincoln looked shocked. ah, the perks of having a room two doors down.




    bella gave me a frustrated but also weak response and i just went back to finishing the eggs, averting my brown eyes from her hell fury look and taking notice of bella's rather mad looking nurse in the doorway, and just preparing myself for the confrontation between bella, lincoln, clementine, and emma that was about to ensue. forget good luck charlie, more like good luck bella.[/fancypost][/fancypost]
    [/fancypost]

    The post was edited 1 time, last by fawn ♡ ().

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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pini…e9584ad15ffa72e80c2a0.jpg); background-position: top right;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px;][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Clementine Rose Harding[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: none; border-top: none;][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    [equally sorry for the short posts! >.< haha it's fine tho! is it bad this kind of reminds me of the fault in our stars? more like a group one. honestly, this would be a good book idea .o. perfect diversity of characters and such. i can see it..]
    i couldn't help but giggle as sky kissed me, and soon after i placed my hand over my mouth and coughed rather audibly. patting my chest gently, i then looked at bella and gave a meek smile. had i been a bit too chirpy?




    "do i seem too happy? i mean, of course i'm happy, but i just didn't want to start the day off moping around... you know?" i muttered, fiddling with my hands as another cough rattled my chest. i couldn't help but glance up at lincoln, a sense of protection rising up inside me as he leaves bella to sit at his own plate beside her. i never mistrusted lincoln, there wasn't a thought he might hurt her, but she had been the first to see past me. she'd been the first to ignore all the times i've been to the hospital, and there was nothing more i would do than to return that kindness.




    eating a small bite of oatmeal, i look at skylar as he spoke. "drawing? oh! drawing! it's coming along... ok. i was working on drawing all of us in knight's armor. like, on a dragon or something. heroic and symbolic you know? the snout has been giving me some difficulty but nothing i can't do! and of course i can't wait to see my mom and my little sister, although i'm guessing you're not as stoked?" i nudged him with a shoulder and grabbed my glass of water as i looked around.




    it's a bit nicer here, this hospital. lora had told me they had begun to rebuild the cafeteria a few years ago, to make it feel warmer to those visiting and those admitted. i hadn't cared, just nodded, but i'm glad how cozy it feels. all the other hospitals smelled like sickness, and nearly everything was one color. but this hospital, this cafeteria, it'll do nicely i suppose. i hadn't stopped considering all the differences, a game i usually play with myself after being transferred and admitted so much, until skylar spoke again.




    a raspy gasp escapes me, as i stare at bella with a look of betrayal. for once i noticed she wasn't hooked to her ng tube, and i curse myself for forgetting about it. i curse myself for not saying anything when she gave up her food. but most importantly i curse myself for letting my idiot of a boyfriend speak. i ignore the concern and the teasing and slap him with surprising force on the arm. "skylar!" i squeak.




    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; border-left: none; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id…95c1607bbfba1bo1&pid=15.1); background-position: top center; margin-left: -4px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px; border-left: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Lincoln Dean Wolfee[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-left: none; border-bottom: none; border-top: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    i smile, nuzzling her forehead as i nod in reply and grin up at skylar before i sit down next to her. i can't help but dig into my bacon first and glance up at bella, running my hands through my hair with my free hand. "yes, yes. i'm fine." i whispered back, winking at her goofily. i glance at clem, waving to her as she gave me a curious, challenging glare. rolling my eyes at the petite girl, a poked my eggs and shoveled it into my mouth. being a football player, i ate a surprising amount of meat and other carbs. after all, coach requested it of me, and i take care not to haunch over as i probably continue eating like a pig.




    when bella offers her food, i can't help but choke a bit. i look up at her, head tilted in a 'are you serious?' look. when skylar instantly volunteers i can't help but cast him a sharp glance. it's the look i use when i'm annoyed with a teammate, or even when i was partnered with someone in a project. and i see, although clem is younger and smaller, that she tiny but mighty when she nudges him and then stares off in her own land. i continue to eat, feeling at peace with myself as o normally do in the morning with them, until the next conversation makes me hack in surprise.




    i realized then bella wasn't taking her tube. again she wasn't eating. even worse, i can't believe she wouldn't have told me sooner. the clench of my fist and the clatter of my fork against the plate seems to scare clem and bella a bit. clementine shrinks into her sweater, bring the cuff up to her lips to chew at it with consideration and her own form of shock. i don't wanna believe anything skylar says, no matter how best of my friend he is. i can't bear to look at bella, no matter how dramatic i'm being.




    last time i hadn't been told something important was when i knew my legs felt like they wanted to give out here and there. i told my dad, and he had had no problem taking me to the doctor's. i don't remember much, and i can't say heard anything. it was thick glass, and though i couldn't hear them, i saw my dad frown. my dad never frowned. he had tried to stay happy after he was widowed. i asked him, begged him to tell me what was wrong. he dismissed me then, saying i was seeing things.




    two months later, during a game, i was walking backwards ready to throw the ball to an open teammate when i just fell. that was my last game. that was championships, and we lost. lost because my father hadn't told me i had kidney disease. sure, i was mad, but i was quick to forgive, but my heart never hurt so much in my life. i gritted my teeth now, taking a deep calming breath as my legs began to shake at the memory.




    "seizures? really bella? you knew about this for long? if skylar hadn't bluntly announced it, would we have known anytime soon?" i scoffed, looking deeply at her with my green-blue eyes. i know i shouldn't be so rude to her, this was serious, but i couldn't help to know she might've been keeping something from me. clementine slapped skylar's arm, her voice pitching when she said his name. lincoln sighed and frowned, disappointment creasing his face.[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]

    [fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 509px; height: 0px; font-size: 5pt; line-height: 2px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: georgia; text-transform: uppercase; margin-top: -3px; letter-spacing: 1px;]TEMPLATE ©BOKEH | BEWARE OF HIDDEN SCROLLIE | #BOKEHFANCY[/fancypost]

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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(http://s33.postimg.org/tml3mq93z/image.jpg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]BELLA EVERLY MELROSE help, i have done it again. i have been here many times before. hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. ouch, i have lost myself again. lost myself and i am nowhere to be found, yeah, i think that i might break.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]// it could! i'm working on writing a book on wattpad like it now, only the characters have just been released from a psych ward. this thread is actually based a bit off of the show red band society. only has one season but i loved it! & ugh i thought this post was gonna be longer than it is :-/




    all i could do was stare at him for a moment, blue eyes widening. we didn't get in disagreements often, but when we did, it was all or nothing.




    i stood up from my chair, silently thanking clem for giving skyler a smack on the arm and then meeting lincoln's rather avoidant glance before speaking, "why are you getting so mad about this? it's not like i haven't had seizures before, it's not like you weren't aware that things weren't going so good for me anymore, what were you expecting? i've only been having them again for a little less than a week, they weren't even that bad....if they got any worse i was going to say something." i said, trying to remain calm, because once i started getting heated or stressed it usually meant nothing good. truly, i didn't see the huge deal, it wasn't like i was going into cardiac arrest or anything. it wasn't like i was never going to tell him, i'm sure there are things he's kept from me.




    sky started to speak, "look, bella, i think--" but i cut him off, "don't you dare say another f.cking word." i was immensely pissed off at him right now, of course i'd get over it, but for now he needed to shut up and sit down.




    emma came intruding in on us then, red hair flying, her hands on her hips. "arabella everly melrose!" she said using my full name in a way that my mother used to. "you cannot just get out of getting your feeding tube like that! you also cannot be taking the tube out of your nose at night, that's dangerous, bella! i swear, sometimes it's like you're asking to die....you're never going to get better if you don't try....." i was starting to zone her out, not wanting to hear what i already very well knew. goddammit, don't you think if i knew how to try i would've by now? it's not that simple.




    i did however tune back in to hear her last words, which were, "why can't you just be honest?" oh, i was at my wits end and was about to just lose it, i didn't even care about causing a scene.




    "okay, you guys want me to be honest?! fine, let's go! i didn't say anything about my seizures because i don't want to bother anyone with ny sh.t and i don't see my illness as serious as everyone else's, i caused it, maybe i deserve the punishment. i am not sick enough to deserve to recover, to be here, and yeah, i believe that. you know, i got admitted here not because i fainted or some crap but because i choked on a cotton ball trying to dip it in juice because i heard it would make my bmi drop quicker. do you know how ridiculous that is? coming in for choking and then being told that oh hey, you're anorexic and now you have to fight a disease that you don't even believe you have. i lost all my control. i'm not getting better because i don't know how to do that. eating is hard, looking at myself is hard when all i can think about is clary being dead, my mom being dead, my ex boyfriend's hand hitting my face, my dance instructor telling me i'd get the part if i just lost a little weight. i can't think straight and i really don't need anyone else yelling at me when i'm already yelling at myself everytime i speak, eat, breathe, anything. so there, there's your f.cking honesty." i was so upset, hell, it wasn't even about the seizure thing anymore, i was just straight up done feeling dead inside and nobody understanding what it felt like. sure, i could've said more, but by the end i had choked up and was full on crying without even realizing it. everything was flooding my mind, and now everyones voices were becoming white noise and i knew i was beginning to hyperventilate, feeling my breath caught in my lungs, and my fake red nails latched onto the side of the table and this is what i present to you as a starvation induced panic attack, everyone.




    i could hear their voices but they almost seemed distant, as if they were far away. i was starting to scare myself now, only making myself cry harder. i don't know what i said but it sounded along the lines of "i can't breathe," and suddenly my world became much dizzier and that's when my body hit the floor and i blacked out.[/fancypost][/fancypost]
    [/fancypost]


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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_…58284513280/rxppLhvP.jpeg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]SKYLER CHRISTIAN CAIN we will come to pass, will i pass the test? you know what they say, yeah the wicked get no rest. you can have my heart, any place, any time. got so much to lose, got so much to prove, god don't let me lose my mind. trouble on my left, trouble on my right.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]oh god, i really am an idiot, the realization setting in as lincoln got angry and clem slapped my arm, making me jump in surprise at the force of her, jeez, for such a small girl she surely packs a punch.




    i watched the exchange between bella and lincoln unfold, feeling like such an awful person, knowing this was the calm before the storm. i just shouldn't of said anything, why do i do such stupid things? that's a real crisis to be answered.




    "i wasn't expecting them to yell at each other.....i was trying to help, looks like it kinda backfired...." i whispered to clem, shaking my head.




    i went to try and say something to bella, half an apology and half tryinf to calm her down. although she cut me off, telling me in a very pissed off manner to shut the f.ck up. i don't blame her, i'd probably just make it worse. that does seem to be a reoccuring theme with me, every time i try to fix something, it just turns into a giant mess. take my drug abuse for example, i thought that doing cocaine might fix things for me and take away the sh.tty feeling i felt of constantly screwing things in my life up. and what did that turn into? one giant mess.




    it looked as if things were going to cool down until emma came and tore bella a new one. i expected that maybe she just wouldn't say anything and might even walk away, but no, i couldn't have been more wrong. next thing i know, she's just straight up yelling, telling us nearly everything. i don't think i've ever seen her so upset. well, damn. that was unexpected. i knew she had a past, and i'm sure that there was more to it. i mean, it does explain some things. now i know why she never talks about her mom or why she gets so nervous whenever someone touches her face. we all knew about her roommate, but i don't think we knew the extent of it, or if we ever would. and cotton balls?....hey, people will do some weird sh.t when they're off their rocker. i couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt, okay, maybe a massive twinge of guilt. if i had known this, how she felt, i probably wouldn't have even said a word.




    "i feel like the biggest douche canoe that ever lived," i muttered to clem, sighing softly.




    both emma and lincoln said something to bella but it was like she wasn't there again, only this time it was different, and she started crying, like i've never seen her cry that hard before, or at all, actually. she sure was breathing heavy, as if she couldn't catch her breath, kind of how clem did in the morning, but in a more panicky way. oh no.... at this point i registered what was happening, and i'm not one to be overly concerned, but i was honestly scared.




    "bella," i said, and started snapping, trying to get her attention but she just murmured something that sounded as though she said she felt like she couldn't breathe and then she blacked out, her frail body hitting the linoleum and i instantly jolted up out or my seat.[/fancypost][/fancypost]
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    The post was edited 1 time, last by fawn ♡ ().

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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pini…e9584ad15ffa72e80c2a0.jpg); background-position: top right;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px;][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Clementine Rose Harding[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: none; border-top: none;][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    [how cool! is that show good by any chance?? i saw it and thought it was rather interesting. speaking of interesting, your on wattpad too! i own an account, so i'll be sure to check your story out <33 oml can we speak about skylar's spongebob and good luck charlie references. such a child.]
    i was listening to skylar speak, my fragile hand alighting on his shoulder for comfort. the exchange between lincoln and bella was rather heart-wrenching to say the least. bella was some what independent, so careless and yet so careful. when i met her i'd never been so sure of her independence but now i see it. she may be lincoln's but she's also her own. i tilt my head, almost like the birds do when they examine something with interest, and then i jolt alive when her full name rings out.




    it has to be bella's nurse. she's looking angry, and such scolding that comes next has caught the attention of a few patients around us. i sink into me seat, hugging myself as bella begins to yell. i hate the yelling. that was the way it would sometimes be when my dad and my mom argued over me in the night, believing i was asleep. sleeping is meaningless now. it's a thing the body needs, wants, but now i know no one truly controls sleep. no one truly controls anything.




    i can hear the desperation, the anxiety, and the entire build up of being out of control. it swims and thunders in bella like a storm, and i have to look away when she begins to cry. i want nothing more than to reach out to her, to hug her, to yell at this nurse. i want to yell at everybody who's staring, and then when her tears cease i want to yell at this hospital. i want to yell at the medical scientists. hell. i just want to yell. however, i can't, and i cover my face with my long sleeves and begin to weep myself. just one morning, one good morning. i stare at her body, unconscious from the strain she'd put into it. the lack of nutrition she should've given it. now she looks like she's dead, and i know she probably isn't close but it feels so real.. so damn real.




    rubbing at the blush, rubbing at my eyes that now are probably ringed in black, i scream and get up, throwing my chair back. lincoln looks at me, shocked and out of breath, and i can't even begin to see the look on skylar's face. the scream is long, easily turning my throat raw. what i wanted to leave in that cafeteria was my confidence, my annoyance. instead, i left like the hacking girl i am. uncontrollable, there's that word again, coughing and hacking and i can feel thick mucus rising in my throat. no one deserves to see this, to see us, to see me.




    i run from the place, weeping and dizzy, trying to contain what so badly wants to come up. i probably won't even make to my room before i make a sick, nasty mess on this floor. my vision's terribly blurry, and wipe at my nose vigorously. i'm a mess, refusing to see a mess, and then making a mess. why? all because no one is truly in control.




    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; border-left: none; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id…95c1607bbfba1bo1&pid=15.1); background-position: top center; margin-left: -4px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px; border-left: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Lincoln Dean Wolfee[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-left: none; border-bottom: none; border-top: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    i can't respond, i have nothing to say. maybe i shouldn't have said anything at all, but i can be idiot sometimes. i can be a douche myself. i just stare at her, because she's right. she's alright right. she's always gonna be i think. technically i screwed up entirely this morning. while there are pretty rooms and memorable rooms, my room is just painful. it's so blank, except for the awards and college banners and a few pictures of my father and i. my room is a remembrance of what i'll never be, and it turns me into a greedy, rude bastard, i'll admit. i'm selfish for lots of things, and though i'm generally mellow, i don't break the jock cliché. dumb and into pretty things. calm and successful but too prideful to be considerate.




    i took it on the girl i loved today, as i probably take it out on lora everyday. how i take it out on skylar. how i take it out on sweet little clem. i inhale, ready to apologize, ready to be dramtic as i ask for forgiveness. then i hear her full name, but those words did not come from her mother. these words came from one of those d*n nurses. i bite my lower lip, glaring at her as if i can burn her with just a look. it's unfortunate i don't become anything more than a selfish little child, because if i was a demon i might've been able to set something ablaze.




    i feel every nurse steps out of line, lora is a reminder of that everyday. the way she stares and babies me. maybe it's because i lost my mom when she was giving birth to me, and that's what moms do, baby their children. i never received that. i was spoiled by my pa, constantly given whatever i wanted to stay all rainbows and sunshine. these were one of those moments, where a nurse acts like a mother, and peeves my like nothing else. i'm ready to say something to her, when she say something that rattles my whole being and cause my back a sharp zip of pain. i ignore right there, struck when the nurse asks bella to tell the truth about.. as death wish.




    that's when the dam called bella breaks, and she's spilling not a death wish but a life novel. i'm surprisingly calm on the outside, but inside i want to grab her and pull her to me in comfort. she's getting hysterical, being dramatic, and it's taking a toll on her malnourished body. i can tell before she even hits the floor, before clementine can scream, before skylar can get up, that's she's about to lose it. with that jinxed, she does, and it all comes crashing in an instant. the nurse is calling for back up, and i just sit still as a statue. i should be up, like skylar, maybe should be screaming and running away like clem, but i'm sitting and staring and asking myself.. if she really hated this all then why didn't she just take care of herself?




    if she's hardly worse as she says she is, why is she just making it so? why is she doing this to herself? maybe i don't know something, and i all replays. i knew about the abuse already, we dealt with that, but i feel as if she may be hiding something. maybe she doesn't want death, but a major reason to stay? my head pounds as i'm in deep thought, and i shakily rise at last. "let me carry her," i tell the nurse in a mutter, and i know skylar's going to refuse for me. maybe at least. i'm so incapable, my back so bad, i might drop her. but i feel like this nurse screwed her over, with my help, and as an apology unspoken. bell would probably prefer me anyhow, but then again, maybe she wouldn't.[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]

    [fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 509px; height: 0px; font-size: 5pt; line-height: 2px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: georgia; text-transform: uppercase; margin-top: -3px; letter-spacing: 1px;]TEMPLATE ©BOKEH | BEWARE OF HIDDEN SCROLLIE | #BOKEHFANCY[/fancypost]

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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(http://s33.postimg.org/tml3mq93z/image.jpg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]BELLA EVERLY MELROSE help, i have done it again. i have been here many times before. hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. ouch, i have lost myself again. lost myself and i am nowhere to be found, yeah, i think that i might break.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]// it was such a good show, at least in my opinion, it got canceled after the first season though. & i don't have any of it published bc i can't come up with a good beginning, only have excerpts written oops but what's your username on there? & he's a kid at heart lmao




    emma stood there for a minute, not in any sort of shocked way, she knew this would be coming. she just wished that maybe i and the rest of us would understand that she cares, and just like sky, sometimes doesn't know how to properly show it, because she doesn't fully comprehend how to help me. i think she's just terrified of finding me dead like she did with clary. i'd be scared too, and i was.




    emma's green gaze snapped over to lincoln as he spoke up. "oh, well, sure, i mean it's not like she's all that heavy, besides, her room isn't that far away," she responded, not saying anything to stop him. sometimes people needed a sense of independence, a sense that they were somehow repaying themselves for any injustice they served.




    the tall redhead paused for a moment before softly saying, "do you ever think that maybe you aren't doing enough? that there is some kind of quality you're missing, that maybe you're doing more harm than good? i love what i do, believe me, but sometimes i question whether or not i actually have the power to help anyone....but you can't save anyone until they want to save themselves, i guess." she didn't know if she was talking to the seventeen year old guy before her or herself.




    once they made it back to my room all in one piece, emma piped up again, "i am going to go get her ng tube and an iv drip set up for her, you wouldn't mind staying here with her, would you? and....uh, i thought you might like to know this.....bella doesn't know because well, i don't know how to say it, but her body is just outright shutting down.....her heart is giving out, it looks like her bones are becoming quite brittle, which can be a sign of osteoporosis, major organ systems are failing, and you already know about the seizures. it's just, everything seems to be catching up and crashing down on her. if she doesn't make significant progress soon....she's going die." she told him, taking a deep breath then exiting the room. reality hits hard but not as hard as constantly trying to deny it.




    •*•*•*•




    when i woke up, i blinked a few times, glancing around the room. wait, where am i?!....oh, oh right.... i noticed lincoln sitting in the chair next to my bed, staring at me. i opened my mouth to speak, but it was all dry and that's when i put my hand up to my face, feeling the feeding tube up my nose and glancing down at the iv of my arm. quietly sighing because now that the sleeve of my shirt had been rolled up you could see the various array of scars that lined my wrist. let's just say the night clary died was not pleasant and i absolutely flipped sh.t, found something sharp, and slashed the hell out of my arm. also another factor of why i was under watch and in the intensive unit for a few days after that. i still don't wanna believe i did that to myself.




    i began to freak out just a little bit upon realizing the fact of my ng tube and iv, jolting upright, before lincoln gently nudged me back onto the bed. i grabbed the glass of water that i presumed emma left for me and i drank it, setting it back down, trying my hardest to ignore the fact that they were filling me with the nutrients my body desperately needed f.cking calories.




    my striking blue eyes stared back at lincoln, meeting his stare, the only thing that came out of my mouth was, "i'm sorry." almost like it was second nature. but i was sorry, sorry for yelling, sorry for not telling him, sorry for destroying my body and my mind, my future, my life, the person who i should've been. i was sorry for not knowing how to try and i was sorry for being too scared to do anything but back into a corner and self destruct. i was flat out sorry.




    you know, i don’t know what i ever got out of all this. the starving, i suppose. well, at first maybe it was a release, a way to control what i couldn’t, a way to feel like i was good at something not many people were, it was like a competition, a project i had to get an a on. maybe it emerged and evolved because i missed my mom or resented myself because of my ex, jesse, or maybe it was because i never saw myself as enough. in dance, in school, in life. i’m not really sure, i think a lot of it is all in my head, but experience shapes people, don’t forget that. when it began i almost felt powerful, like it was a euphoric high, hell, it was even motivating, captivating--at first, but then i ran myself into the ground with it. i tried to use starving, puking, cycling through all the motions in an attempt to try to fix everything, numb myself to what had gone wrong, try so hard to block it all out that i had blocked out my sanity. what i thought i was controlling eventually controlled me and maybe at some point i just let it consume me.




    i remembered what my therapist kept telling me over and over, the whole “nothing is going to work unless you do” spiel. i couldn’t figure out whether or not i actually wanted to “work” per say. i would rather continue spinning and holding on to this poison than go and find another. anorexia made my mind go all over the place, as if a kindergartener had scribbled all over the page in a rainbow colored crayon. i couldn’t focus on anything but my illness from time to time, it had hold of me and i was gripping tight because i was too afraid what might happen if i let go. it felt like i was losing my mind at times when i got so deep in it. what is wrong with me? i just want to feel normal. what the f.ck is normal?




    emma came back in, carrying a tray of soup with a mixed bowl of carrots and apple slices. she set it on my bedside table and then said, attempting to smile, "glad to see you're awake. now, i'll cut you a deal, if you eat all of your lunch, you don't have to have your tube in all night. okay? i'll take it out right now and give you an hour to eat and i'll let you guys talk. and if you need your wheelchair at all if you feel to weak to walk then let me know." she said, coming over to help me take my tube out and she set it aside for a moment, turning off the machine that pumped my nutrients, and she also took out my iv because that was done with and then she left, leaving me to stare at my food and then back to lincoln.
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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_…58284513280/rxppLhvP.jpeg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]SKYLER CHRISTIAN CAIN we will come to pass, will i pass the test? you know what they say, yeah the wicked get no rest. you can have my heart, any place, any time. got so much to lose, got so much to prove, god don't let me lose my mind. trouble on my left, trouble on my right.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]everything happened in such a blur, i could barely process it. one second, bella is passed out on the floor and the next clem is screaming and running out of the cafeteria and i am left, standing there in absolute shock. it looked as if clem's strings were finally snapping and hitting the ceiling. i want to run after her right then, but my body is glued still for a moment, as if i'm stuck knee deep in wet cement. just one damn peaceful morning, god, that's all i ask.




    i stay put for minute as lincoln volunteers, or more so declares to carry bella. i catch that he's looking at me, waiting for me to protest, but i just shake my head. "hey man, if you think you can do it, who am i to stop you? i'm going to go check on clem, but let me know when she wakes up." i say, before walking, or more so jogging out of there in a search to find clem. she couldn't have gotten very far.




    my brown eyes scour the hallway until i eventually set sight on the petite brunette beauty. she looks so sad, so tired, and quite fragile. i knew she consistently felt like nothing more but the hacking girl she'd always been, or wait, no, i didn't know that. i had no idea what it was like to wake up everyday in her shoes, to have a disease you will never ever get rid of, only manage. i will never know what she feels like and i will not try to act like i do. however, i am there for her in the best way i can try to be and i sincerely hope my love, i hope that will be enough.




    so, in casual sky fashion, i do the first thing that comes to my mind as i get in reach of her, i pull her into a giant hug, kissing the top of her head. hey, at 6'2" nearly any normal hug i give seems like a giant one.




    part of me wanted to ask "are you okay?" but that was an incontrovertibly stupid question. she obviously wasn't considering that scream. and yes, i did just use the word incontrovertibly because i'm a pretentious douche, but that was besides the point. maybe she just needed to let out all of her pent up emotion? i mean, she just tend to keep everything hidden away. we all kind of did, lock all of our feelings and secrets up, trying so hard not to let the life we were slowly piecing together to fall apart. we should've listened better to the sound of it breaking.




    after a few rounds of comfortable and honestly relieving silence, i finally asked, "do you want to talk about whatever is on your mind?" i thought that was a good place to start, at least it was a far better question than the usual ones i would sometimes ask, but this was a much different situation. i don't always have the opportunity, nor should i, to make a joke out of everything and this was one of those more serious moments. treating life like it's a coming of age comedy is a terrible way to avoid real world problems, by the way. [/fancypost][/fancypost]
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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pini…e9584ad15ffa72e80c2a0.jpg); background-position: top right;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px;][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Clementine Rose Harding[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: none; border-top: none;][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    [Aww that's too bad :c I saw the commercials for it and it looked very good and sorta fun. At the same time, maybe I can help you if you're ever serious about putting your works on your profile ^^ I write ALL THE TIME, but I rarely put my works out. I go by EdgeOfDeath on Wattpad, and yes please excuse the name, I was watching a very dark anime two years ago xD I have a Warrior Cat FanFiction that's been published, but that's it. I have plenty ideas, and I never finish a story. I JUST REALIZED LINCOLN'S NURSE AND CLEMENTINE'S NURSE GOT MIXED UP o////o Lora is Clem's nurse..]




    when he wraps his arms around me and kisses my head, i'm reminded how different his breath is. once, it reeked of drugs and alcohol, know it was simple and human. i shake in his grasp, seeming to hyperventilate. it's driving me crazy, this hospital, because it's filled with things unbearable. when i found out all my friends were going to be transferred i was actually happy. now, and i regret this, but i'm angry. admittedly, they've got me more worried than i've been in months. it's like.. with jericho when mom was at work and ray traveling with his band.




    there's going to be something so unbearable i might just die from the worry and the fear. i don't want to die that way though. i want to die fearless, as i'd promised my mother and father. i wouldn't be scared when the mucus has overcome me. no, i plan to smile as it's constricting me and not be fearful. i will have control. i need control. i grit my teeth thinking about it, and i turn into skylar's chest and ball the front of his shirt into my fists. i just stand there, weeping into him what i'm scared to do in my hospital room. i'm scared to turn my place of memories and peace into something sorrowful and depressing. i need that room like religious people need their sacred shrine. well, kind of i suppose.




    when skylar speaks, he scares me. i don't know exactly why, but my body jolts again and i cough gently from the sudden movement. i stare at him with light hazel eyes, heavy with hidden feeling. i run my hand up and along his stubbed, sharp jaw line. my smile is fragile and meek, and link both my arms around his neck. i stand there, knowing he expects me to answer but i feel like i can't. i feel as if my voice has left me. screaming has left my throat in burning shreds and sigh, the sound raspy and hard to let out.




    skylar calms me, just as bella sometimes does. even lincoln helps, but i think skylar is the biggest component in centering myself. i must look a bit crazy, standing there and looking up at him with a gentle, yet unreadable look, and finally i answer him with a shake of my head. my voice comes in a whisper, because if i speak any louder i'll sound like a strained old man. "i don't want to talk about anything. i just want to go to sleep.. or what if you come and cradle me till i fall asleep? like we used to do before i got admitted here? like i'm some baby or something," she laughed softly at the memory of him cradling her like a little child. sleep was hard to come by, but when you're calm it's as simple as getting water from a faucet. she smiled up at him again, and sighed when she placed her forehead against him.[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; border-left: none; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id…95c1607bbfba1bo1&pid=15.1); background-position: top center; margin-left: -4px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px; border-left: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Lincoln Dean Wolfee[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-left: none; border-bottom: none; border-top: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    when she wakes up i'm all smiles for her. i'd do anything, she's my princess just as clem was skylar's kitten or whatever he went about with animals and clementine.




    carrying bella to her room was absolutely no problem, until it became a problem. as emma hooked her up with iv and her ng tube, i looked longingly at the liquid the often eased me. hell, if i go thinking that way i could end up an addict for hospital medication. i had an uncle like that once, suffering liver cancer just like sky, and ended up snagging a bottle of pain killers and overdosing himself. my father hadn't cared for him much, claimed he was always a nasty man, but i felt sympathy. going to different hospitals must be so boring, he'd rather end his life then see if he survives. i wonder if clem's ever tried.




    staring at bella's blue eyes, i'm in a sea of remembrance. the glitter with this hypnotic feeling, and i'm strung up with secrets and pain. emma's words are fresh in my mind, and her voice was beyond motherly. it had no hint of motherly affection, as he was prepared for. instead, it was regular concern for the success of a patient. at least, she had started off that way, a relatable woman, before she tapered down to a woman locked with a secret she'd been willing to share with him.




    osteoporosis? bella, who'd fussed over a cotton ball, had little idea of she was having. she was hardly weak. being in the hospital has strengthened her a thousand times over, but i think she should settle down on the grip she has on these reigns. she's so mentally strong, she's gone stubborn, and it's beyond her nature she's gone hysterical. i sit there, with my head in my hand, because her sleeping as led me to do a lot of things. the cuts and the unordinary thinness and fragility of her being. those cuts hurt me most. she was just as selfish as i was. just as hard-headed.




    when she says sorry, i feel no relief, but i laugh it off anyway. usually she'll melt me with her apologies, and i'd hug her and kiss her and whisper it's ok. now, the only way she can truly be sorry is if she stops being a wild, and 'on-the-edge' girl, and take care of herself. then, once i've seen her eating and once i find out she's not bound for the death train i'll forgive her with words. the true, "i forgive you" words. it bothered me especially, how frantic she was over the death of girl she hardly knew. this "clary" to me was just a friend, but not someone to go crazy over... right? i'll never know what happened, but i'm positive bella just hates being alone. whether she denies it or not, i theorize she doesn't like not having company around.




    when emma comes in and gives her apples and carrots i grin at her. "do you want me to feed you my little bella wella?" i'm hoping she won't think i'm making fun of her, but playfully teasing her as we often did. i'm hoping she'll forget i just laughed at her apology, and that'll she tease me too.. or maybe pout in the usual cute way she does.[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]

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    thank you!! just followed you :-) & lmao writing my reply now, i got distracted by hunting pokemon (jesus help me) & also apologies because i feel like i write way too much about bella's disorder in a non-relatable way, only reason that is, is because having had an ED it is the only thing i know how to write oops

    The post was edited 1 time, last by fawn ♡ ().

    I've been waiting for that game to come out and it seems everyone has grasped it except me ;-; The tears are for real. Oh and it's totally ok! I get to know Bella a bit more as a character when you write so much about her <33 Even with Skylar too. It makes it easier to respond, and if you haven't noticed, in my post I've been summarizing on how my characters think of her, them. This leads to a more realistic, and easy way for me to type. Because, if I get it wrong, like Lincoln and Clem both assume or believe Bella is so independent she's stubborn, you have the choice to change her so my characters feel a different vibe or let her be the same, where they feel sympathy for a girl who's strong heart will only be broken by the pressure of a hospital.


    i sound like a scholar or something.. I apologize young grasshopper xD

    i feel for you :-( when does it come out for you? tbh like all i've been doing is driving around to find pokemon lmao, & the amount of people i've found doing the same thing is almost comical. & thank you again, i really do appreciate it! & it's okay if you sound scholarly, you sound very intelligent, which is a good thing. omg the grasshopper thing i'm dead. i once said "the grasshopper becomes the master" to my dad & he told me to say that at his funeral but your interpretations of bella so far are how i intended them to be, so yay, i think my biggest problem is that i need to cultivate more of her own persona towards her anorexia rather than reflecting more on my own thoughts towards mine. i also really hope the backstory for clary & bella doesn't totally suck. otherwise, i like her character more than i thought i would. & tbh i love sky 200% more than i expected to lol.


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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(http://s33.postimg.org/tml3mq93z/image.jpg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]BELLA EVERLY MELROSE help, i have done it again. i have been here many times before. hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. ouch, i have lost myself again. lost myself and i am nowhere to be found, yeah, i think that i might break.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]i couldn't even be mad at him right now, no matter how much i wanted to be for him laughing at me, i just simply smiled. i just wanted to have a normal conversation, well, okay, obviously not normal, but one where we could come to a mutual understanding. i loved lincoln with everything in me, i'd do about anything for him, at least try to, but i had to admit that sometimes he made me want to very deeply sigh.




    "what was the laugh for?" i asked, cocking my head to the side. it wasn't in any kind of accusatory way, just out of curiosity, unsure of how exactly he meant that.




    i then proceeded to playfully roll my eyes at his teasing, nonetheless laughing and breaking into a smile. "are you going to make airplane sounds and everything too?" i asked jokingly, before picking up a carrot out of the bowl. thank god emma knew what i liked at least, they were better than cauliflower, that's for sure.




    i inspected the carrot for a moment, comparing its size to another carrot and then organizing all the carrots together before eating the one carrot. yeah, i probably looked crazy to anyone but i did sh.t like this so often that it didn't phase me or even lincoln, really.




    i leaned over to grab my journal i had dropped on my floor this morning, grabbing the blue pen off of my bedside table and clicked it open. i flipped to the nearest empty page and titled the date at the top. i wrote in, my cursive handwriting filling the page now;
    ng tube feeding-misc. calories.
    carrot-4 calories (x)
    (number eaten: )
    soup-370 calories ( )
    apple slice-9 calories
    (number eaten: )
    i would fill in the rest later. this journal was originally supposed to be used for me to write my thoughts while i was here, but i thought that was stupid, so i just used it to keep track of my calories. with emma's supervision, of course, she had to see it and made sure i wasn't lying about any of it. my therapist suggested i start another journal for the purpose of reflecting on my day and such, and as i stated above, i didn't see the point, but who knows, maybe it will help.




    i set down the pen and notebook next to me and ate another carrot. obviously i was comfortable with these, i had eaten them for a week straight solely once before. they provided vitamin a but were also very low calorie. sure, i can't self sustain on carrots, but it was worth a try. i just didn't want to touch my soup. that was the obstacle of the day.




    "so, my therapist thinks it would be a good idea to put my journaling crap to better use by recording my thoughts instead. i don't know about it, what do you think?" i asked lincoln, awaiting his input. in all truth, i was quite an indecisive person, always needing a second opinion, whether it be miniscule or major.




    the more i started to think, the more i started to get caught up inside my head. hmmm, i looked back down at my wrist, first looking at the scars and then the size of my wrist to begin with. some days i saw the extent of it and some days i didn't. i always have been rather self destructive and impulsive, never knowing when to hit the brakes. call it a fatal flaw, i suppose. i contradicted myself too much, being endlessly reckless but a complete perfectionist.




    yeah, it was true, i hated being alone, hated it. when i was left alone i didn't know how to make the voices in my head stop, my own repeating voice. everything found a way to get all screwed up when i was alone. maybe i just feared dying alone too much, but we all die alone, don't we? i might as well face the music of that realization instead of trying to run from it. in the end, all we really have is ourselves anyways, right?




    the thing with clary is that regardless of what anyone thought, i knew her quite well, she knew me well. they didn't realize that simply because they were never around her much unless they came to my room. she practically spent her entire day there. she didn't like leaving because she said the rest of the hospital reminded her too much of death and that didn't sit well with her. anyways, i don't know, i suppose that it was just nice to have someone to talk to, who wasn't going to judge me or think i was insane or selfish or just some stupid girl who just needed to suck it up and eat. no, she related to the complexity of it all, i didn't feel as though i was a burden or annoying when i talked about it with her because she got it, she lived it. and when she died, that was gone. i had nobody that got it anymore, that i didn't feel like would consider me ridiculous or something. clem listens sometimes and just nods or offers me sweet sentiments sometimes, lincoln tries, i know he does, but the wrong thing slips out of his mouth every now and then, i don't blame him. and sky, kind of gets it, in a different way, but it's something. although, it's not the same. it's just a lonely feeling, an inadequate feeling to be in control of whether or not you get better but at the same time be so out of control.




    this guilt that i had consistently creeping up on me didn't help much either. i shouldn't be as guilty as i am, but it's just there, burrowing its way into me. you see, the night clary died she was also drinking, a bit too much in fact and she was crying and i kept asking her why but she was just crying and yelling incoherently and she said she was going to purge and i told her that was a bad idea with just alcohol and no food. she said it was okay so i asked if she needed me to hold her hair back, she just smiled and said no. so, i let her do her thing, thinking she would calm down afterwards, but suddenly she's screaming and shaking, telling me she's throwing up blood and i could see her from the doorway, kneeled on the floor with blood on her fingers. she looks so genuinely scared and i'm paralyzed in shock, it was like i forgot how to move. she took it too far and we both knew that and i should've gotten a doctor the second she started screaming, but i didn't, i waited until there was more blood to get out of my fearing state and run to get emma or anybody. when i finally got emma's attention and we made it back, she was already dead. she ruptured her esophagus from all the stomach acid, all her purging caught up to her, just like how my starving is catching up to me. i can't help but think if i was a little quicker she would've been okay, sure, i do think after time she might've died anyways from complications or her own doing, there's always going to be part of me that won't forgive myself for not doing more and wants me to pay the price for that amongst other things. clary and i were each other's worst influences and triggers without even noticing it.




    "lincoln, honestly, do you understand my eating disorder.....do you think it's stupid?" i asked softly, the question just coming out. i wanted to, no, needed to know actually. i had wanted to ask for so long, but again, didn't want to bother anyone with my sh.t. i'm not seeking pity, all i want is empathy. however, you don't always get what you want.
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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_…58284513280/rxppLhvP.jpeg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]SKYLER CHRISTIAN CAIN we will come to pass, will i pass the test? you know what they say, yeah the wicked get no rest. you can have my heart, any place, any time. got so much to lose, got so much to prove, god don't let me lose my mind. trouble on my left, trouble on my right.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]i held her tight as the sound of my voice scared her out of her zone a bit, watching as she clung to my shirt and smiling as she traced her fingers along my jaw, caressing her cheek in return. "you are beautiful," i whispered, perhaps absentmindedly, simply enthralled with her existence. she thought i kept her grounded but truly i believe it to be the other way around. if it weren't for her, i'd probably be sitting on a throne in hell right now, either that, or still snorting cocaine and whatever else i could find. i don't want to go back to that, it was a temptation i had to deal with and manage everyday, but the group and clem, especially, made it 1000x easier. believe it or not, deep down i'm a pretty sentimental guy.




    clem said that she didn't want to talk, that she only wanted me to cradle her while she slept. that sounded like a very appealing idea, i must admit. "i think that may be one of the best ideas you've ever had," i tell her with a small usual smirk, breaking away from the hug type thing we had going on. i took hold of her hand, interlacing my fingers with hers.




    we walked back to her room and i glance over the scenery some, scanning all the pictures and decorations. nice, it was very clementine, i mean, it was her room after all.




    we laid down in her bed, and i pulled her to my body, wrapping my arms around her. "better?" i asked, not being able to stop the smile from spreading across my face. i had not been satisfied with my life or happy with it in a long time, but now i'm getting there, hell, i most likely am at this point. she changed my life in the most inexplicable and peaceful way and there was no reversing that. "thank you," i whisper to clem, nearly inaudible but loud enough for her to hear if she wanted to acknowledge it.[/fancypost][/fancypost]
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    The post was edited 1 time, last by fawn ♡ ().

    Honestly I don't really know. I have a friend who claims he already has it and I'm like -'bruh.' Seriously, I've been waiting since last year so I have a reason to go outside whilst still playing video games xD pfft your dad sounds like a very free-spirited person. imagine coming up to the microphone and saying that. that's a good way to end a life, he knows what he wants. I see, I see. Well I think you're playing bella and skylar just fine ^^ But at the same time, only the creator knows what's wrong with its creation. Oml I love them both! I happened to like Lincoln a tinny bit more then Clem.. but there will be moments. I feel like Clem has too much of me stuffed into her and though it makes her feel real, it's almost like she's given up. But then again it suits her? Eh. I think my problem is I don't know specifically where I'm taking her..
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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pini…e9584ad15ffa72e80c2a0.jpg); background-position: top right;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px;][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Clementine Rose Harding[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: none; border-top: none;][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    for moment, being held like i am, i'm afraid lora might come in with my daily suction machine and i'm worried she'll intrude on this whole moment. his calling me beautiful makes me blush, makes me look at my feet in embarrassment as we walk to my room. even though those words aren't knew to me, they constantly make me blush. maybe it's because i'm humble? no, i've seen myself as a brat a few times.. but every time beautiful comes to be i think otherwise. maybe that's why i blush when i shouldn't. it's a title i often don't care about and frankly deny. i used to be model worthy, see i'm not so humble after all, but now i just look sick.




    i was always small, because the effects of cystic fibrosis was poor growth. Some people found it cute, others found it a way to tease me. i could never identify it as being a midget. maybe i am, but i sure don't look like the midgets I've seen on tv and the like. lora says i'm 'cuddling sized' or 'fun sized'. that's a nice way to think of things i suppose. i was also born skinny, as not only poor growth was on my agenda but also poor weight gain. i ate, sure, but i never seemed to gain as much. i mean, it takes three weeks of complete eating to get me to a pound.




    I've looked in a mirror, mostly in my bathroom, and i remember how i never looked as ill as i probably do now. i used to have fine skin, thanks to my mother, but now it blotched in bright red in two areas. my nose, and my cheeks. i look pale, delicate as porcelain. lora says i too look so beautiful it's like i'm only caught with a cold. but a cute cold, whatever that's supposed to mean. i just shrug it off, because i mean look at bella. look at skylar. at lincoln. all of them seem equally out of place. i'm just right beside them, beings that have yet to be touched by our diseases entirely.




    skylar holding me feels pure though. true. as if every word is to be taken into consideration. my chest feels heavy, with emotion or mucus i'm not sure. when he asks me if it's better, i nod vigorously, because it's like being embraced by a teddy bear and trust me, i have plenty to know what it feels like. I've always been addicted to them, refused to give the little animals up. the embrace is bound to knock me out, but i'm still coursing with life when he tells me thank you.




    i turn to him then, a quizzical squint on my face. "thank you? skylar what are talking about?" i asked, and then i tense. i'm putting my hand to his chest, i'm feeling his forehead, and i'm scrutinizing his eyes. "you better not be drunk or something." he sure didn't look like it. if anything he looked like a goofball, grinning as widely as he's doing and for a second i'm afraid he's gonna make some dirty joke or at least is thinking that way. but then again, i don't think most couples did that in a hospital anyway, while the other is sick. i softly giggle at the mere reason why'd i myself would think of such things but genuinely curious on why he'd just thanked me out of the blue.




    i'd done many things, received many thank yous. but I've done nothing but run away and make a mess in a hallway and i'm getting thanked. it's so odd, i'm left looking at him like a lost puppy, wondering where exactly the ball had gone when it was just hidden behind their owner's back this whole time.[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; border-left: none; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id…95c1607bbfba1bo1&pid=15.1); background-position: top center; margin-left: -4px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px; border-left: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Lincoln Dean Wolfee[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-left: none; border-bottom: none; border-top: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    i'm kinda sitting there, at a line of existence and non-existence, staring into bella's blue eyes with my green ones, and it's a while after she speaks i register everything that had happened before. i don't why, but i was confused then, my mind fogged. i can blink at her, and once her words catch up to me i give a playful pout and barricade my chest with my arms. "fien then i won't waf at all," i replied, using my best impression of a three, maybe four-year-old, on the brink of a tantrum. as soon as i'm done, though, i can't help but burst out in laughter. my legs ache now, my back hella hurts from this chair, but i laugh loudly to erase the pain.




    he then perked up, pausing to mock her curious head tilt. "why of course. that's the best part when someone feeds you. the airplane noises are ok, but the train ones are the best. i only want the best for my bella. although, i never understood it. why would you want an airplane or a train in your mouth.." it's a common thing to consider i think, because really, a baby would choke on an airplane or a train, be it toy or otherwise. what were parents doing, portraying such objects to go into their child's mouth! i'd asked my dad, once it'd hit me, and he just laughed it away and made the excuse 'it's just interesting that way.' i think i might've been interested without the trains and airplanes and instead being promised a surprise or something. i love surprises and thrills, my dad should've known better.




    while i'm thinking, i notice she's finishing up something in that notebook of hers again. she's told me it was once a need for a recap of the day, but that purpose was abandoned in substitute for a calorie calendar, as i like to call it. i watch her write with a soft smile, because i remember her just as focused when i first met her. when all my teammates were hounding me about her. she was beauty and brains, both of the girls in our group are, and that seems to be hard to come by. so when she sets it down i look away so she doesn't give me a questioning look.




    my spirits of joy sink to my feet when she talks about her therapist. something.. solemn.. i look at her with a curious stare and a shrug. "writing is always helpful. everything you want to say can be spilled out on paper. instead of bottling things up, you're spilling it out through your hand and from the ink, marking your day and emotions. clem does that with art, is expressive. she likes going to art museums as well, maybe you'll like to go to the library or something," is suggested, the thought of not being stuck her springs a radiant smile on my face. we could all go out as one again, as if we were normal. wait.. were we.. not normal..




    i feel heavy thinking that way, that i just called us not normal. course we are! bella may be going brittle, clem told me she was starting a new stage in her disease, which involved coughing up blood, and skylar may have a bit of liver problems but everyday people had those things right? not really maybe.. a group of friends don't just have it.. one usually, and that was clem. we're just fine, maybe i'm tripping or something, but we'll be ok. clementine had told lora, and lora must've told Bethany, and Bethany had told me. i'm surprised no one else knows, but maybe lora and Bethany share a friendship? after all, skylar knew about bella because of the closeness of the rooms. Bethany even told me, two weeks ago, i'd bee assigned a wheelchair. i flipped, but i believed i could heal. I've been giving myself therapy.. but i guess i was hunching over which was a cheat in my exercise. i just ignored Bethany.. probably cause she was right.




    when bella talks, my eyelids feel heavy and my hearts full of something equally heavily but her voice tugs a lazy smile on my face and makes me reach a hand to entwine our fingers. "i don't think it's a disorder, but a way of control. i don't feel it's stupid, i just think it's not good that you're ignoring your needs.. do you really want to stay here bella?"[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]

    [fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 509px; height: 0px; font-size: 5pt; line-height: 2px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: georgia; text-transform: uppercase; margin-top: -3px; letter-spacing: 1px;]TEMPLATE ©BOKEH | BEWARE OF HIDDEN SCROLLIE | #BOKEHFANCY[/fancypost]

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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(http://s33.postimg.org/tml3mq93z/image.jpg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]BELLA EVERLY MELROSE help, i have done it again. i have been here many times before. hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. ouch, i have lost myself again. lost myself and i am nowhere to be found, yeah, i think that i might break.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]// tru tru cx he even wears his "my parents said i could become anything so i became an a.shole" shirt out in public like i'm done lol & i like clem & lincoln very much, i think they're well fleshed out. tbh idk where i'm going with skyler, i'm just gonna go with the flow with him & see what happens, which i think fits him perfectly.




    i bursted out laughing at his toddler impression with him, laughing so hard it made my ribs ache. he always knew how to make me laugh.




    i nodded when his tone turned more serious as he spoke about how he thought the journaling was a good idea. it would give me a creative outlet, just like how clem had her art. "you know, you make a good point. i think i'm going to do it." i said with a small smile, also adding, "if your back hurts from that chair you can sit in one my bean bags if you want. they're really comfy." i offered, knowing the metal chair he was currently sitting in couldn't be anywhere near pleasant.




    when he took hold of my hand and intertwined our fingers i smiled, blue eyes staring up at him curiously as he spoke. the question struck me for a minute because i wasn't expecting it. of course i didn't want to stay here, i wanted to live, explore, but how can i do that when i literally panic over the thought of eating soup? speaking of soup i should probably get on that before it runs cold. oh well. who am i kidding? i can't do this as easily as i think i can, no, no, who am i trying to fool? this is hard, this is a f.cking civil war.




    "no, obviously i don't want to stay here.....i'm just scared....how the hell can i get better when eating is something that terrifies me? who is scared of eating, who forgets how to eat? apparently me. it's crazy and i don't know how to stop." i said in a softer voice, it almost sounded broken, this hospital was killing me or was i killing myself?




    i got up out of my bed for a moment, my stance wavering at first before maintaining my balance and walking over to my mirror. i stared at my reflection, not recognizing the girl who stared back at me. you could too clearly see my collarbones and my arms were like toothpicks and my legs twigs that could snap at any given point. the thigh gap i had was rather unnatural and when i lifted my white shirt up some, i saw my protruding hip bones and could count my ribs. that wasn't right. this wasn't me. it hurt to look at myself when my vision was clearer and i saw how i actually looked. this wasn't what i wanted. then what did you want? that was a good question. god, i don't know....this isn't about being thin or pretty anymore. lincoln is right, it's about control. it's about control and i don't know how to loosen the reigns.




    i wanted to scream but i didn't, holding it in within the depths of myself. "do you want to know what happened with clary?" i asked much too quietly, trying to forget about looking at myself, although i was still standing in front of that stupid goddamn mirror.
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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_…58284513280/rxppLhvP.jpeg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]SKYLER CHRISTIAN CAIN we will come to pass, will i pass the test? you know what they say, yeah the wicked get no rest. you can have my heart, any place, any time. got so much to lose, got so much to prove, god don't let me lose my mind. trouble on my left, trouble on my right.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]maybe i should be less vague," i think to myself when she asks me what i'm talking about.




    i was about to speak but then she says that i better not be drunk or something and i laugh, shaking my head. "i think you'd very well know if i was drunk." i said, smirking.




    "i said thank you because you changed my life. you helped me and opened me up to see a world i didn't think was possible. i'd more than likely be dead right now if it weren't for you. you didn't just write me off as an addict, and i appreciate that. you keep me sane and i love everything you do. from your laugh, to the way you talk, to how your eyes light up when you're happy. you saved my life and my last little shred of humanity and i can't thank you enough, kitten." i told her, using my nickname for her as well as basically truthfully pouring my heart out to her. i wasn't simply some jerkoff drug addict with a shot liver to her and she wasn't just the perpetually hacking girl she thought of herself as to me. we balanced and stabilized each other and regardless of where either of us may be in ten years, she left her mark on me and it is never going to wash away, and i don't want it to.




    // aah i meant to go somewhere with sky's post but i forgot about it so that's why it's unacceptably short oops[/fancypost][/fancypost]
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    The post was edited 1 time, last by fawn ♡ ().

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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pini…e9584ad15ffa72e80c2a0.jpg); background-position: top right;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px;][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Clementine Rose Harding[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: none; border-top: none;][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    [LMAO! Really? Your dad is one reckless soldier. Seriously.. And aww thank you! I feel better now! don't worry about skylar's post, I know you'll make up for it with such creativity ^^




    i bat at his face, trying to erase the smirk from his face as it soon infects my own lips. they're twisted up in mischief and playfulness, a side rarely seen but only discovered within her friends. within.. skylar. i'm laughing soon after, because i can't imagine how to be demon-chan when i'll blow my cover by coughing. as soon as the teasing comes about in me, it dies at his speech.




    my eyes grow round and owlish, my lips parted in surprise. I've known skylar to be soft, but this was just something else.. or was it? was he always this sentimental guy and i was blinded by the absurdity he loved me and called me beautiful? yet, every word from his mouth is understandable and merely heart-warming. calling me kitten is the cherry to sundae, really, i'm about to cry again until i shove my palms into my eyes to stop the waterworks. words were a form of art in my opinion, everyday was an art piece, and everyone knows my complete dying fascination in the art industry.




    speaking of art, i'm looking at him with a dumb look now that i think about it, and i swallow and nod before propping myself up. i want to show him a piece i created a few months back, a mythical and angelic type of piece.




    ever since i was small i enjoyed fiction. fiction was something encouraged, a fake world to rid yourself of reality. it was in books, in folklore, in art, and the fact no one scolded you for being unrealistic was the icing on top of the cake. so i took up greek mythology for a while in my youth, slowly branching out to various fictional criteria. i usually drew mythical stuff involving the group, but there will be times at night where i'll fancy a drawing of skylar and i and my face heats at the thought of showing him a month's work. seriously. a month. drawing was no easy task, especially not for an artist in training. but frankly i did ok, my edges can be dark and my shading a bit off, but it was obvious i was getting there. just a few more years.. if i had any more.




    flipping through the battered notebook i'd had since i was seven, i flip to the cleanest and non-wrinkled of the pages. i back up a few blank pages and then i smile once i see it. my favorite of all I've drawn of skylar and i. the famous, Icarus is flying too close to the sun. except.. Icarus is a female and the sun a human male.




    skylar is drawn, kneeling on the skyline, reaching for a falling.. me. i used light shading on him, gave him a bit of fiery feel as his hair flicks up into little flames and in the palm of his hand is also a tiny fireball. i did my best, without colors, to give him a fiery sun feel. then there's me. while you can see a calmness to his face, you see the side of my own face and my hair being whipped up all around it as i'm falling back-first back to earth. my makeshift wings are failing me, the feathers are all over the scene and drops of dark wax equally come up as i fall down. my mouth is open, almost as if i'm screaming at skylar, as we're just out of reach. my hand is up, reaching out to him as he's reaching out to me, and my cheeks are flushed in grey lines and my eyes are squinted with tears at the corners.




    Icarus, his freedom, or her freedom, taken away once. locked away with his father, until they invented a pair of wings and flew from captivity. while Icarus was to stay mid-way in the sky. he dipped and he rose, and once he rose to high.. to that beautiful tempting sun... his wings melted and he fell back to earth. his disobedience ending him.




    i present it to skylar, beaming at him as thought it were a million dollars. "do you like it?" i breathed, eyes aglow.[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; border-left: none; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id…95c1607bbfba1bo1&pid=15.1); background-position: top center; margin-left: -4px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px; border-left: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Lincoln Dean Wolfee[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-left: none; border-bottom: none; border-top: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    her laugh is somehow a tinkling of bells, and it's end is like an intimidating darkness. i tilted my head, wondering how such laughter comes from something so broken. i reminds me of a Woody i owned. the little cowboy from toy story was always my favorite, and i played a real-life andy when i owned him. then, one day, i broke his cord. it's a weird think to break, and it was the most essential part of the toy that i balled my eyes out at ten-years-old. five years i had that thing, five years it was my friend. then, on another day, i had been doing homework at thirteen and then my pencil dropped. magically, it bounced eraser first into that enormous split i had made three years ago.




    BAM! it worked. i smiled, leaping down from my work chair and embracing a doll who repeatedly spoke about a snake in his boot. a thing that once brought me joy, was broken, and now it's here bringing joy to me again. it's very similar to bella. she's the doll i own from a movie called 'lincoln's life' and she's my favorite character. one day, many things broke her, today i found my pencil. i found a way to make her work as she did. she was my woody.




    "Hm? Thank you. My back is killing me.. Bethany's been telling me i might get a wheelchair soon. b* keeps coming and telling me i slouch when i do my own back therapy. whatever," i mutter in reply, happily taking her bean bag chair and sighing luxuriously as i sink into it. i love watching cartoons where the characters are in engulfed in the bean bags. I've always wanted to see how that felt, and this might just be the closest i can get.




    suddenly, though, i'm serious, and i'm tilting my head as i contemplate her response. no one would want to stay, he knew that, but some part of her was splintering because of the anorexia. i grit my teeth, trying not to think about the lack of food she gives herself. i glare at the bowl even, praying the force will let me raise it and put it to her lips. no, she doesn't even begin to touch the soup of nearing coldness. instead, from the corner of my eyes, i watch her rise and look at herself. i blink once, turning my whle attention to the fact she showing such unnatural skinniness in my presence. i flinch when she lifts up her shirt. without being.. weird.. i remember how soft and fleshy and slim she'd been there. by sight and by feel, now ribs jut from her like knives and erase the memory just as sharp.




    when her lips tremble, obviously on the verge of a held-in scream, i can't help but tremble too. hell this was hurting far worse. even her words don't register within me, but when it does catch up i try to stop from being rude and showing clear irritation. "you don't have to explain anything to me if you don't want to," i'm surprised at how gentle i sound, like a nurse. i cringe, but look up at bella curiously. she really didn't have to. i could tell from the scars on her wrist, that lane in memoryland was a difficult one to walk through.[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]

    [fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 509px; height: 0px; font-size: 5pt; line-height: 2px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: georgia; text-transform: uppercase; margin-top: -3px; letter-spacing: 1px;]TEMPLATE ©BOKEH | BEWARE OF HIDDEN SCROLLIE | #BOKEHFANCY[/fancypost]

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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(http://s33.postimg.org/tml3mq93z/image.jpg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]BELLA EVERLY MELROSE help, i have done it again. i have been here many times before. hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. ouch, i have lost myself again. lost myself and i am nowhere to be found, yeah, i think that i might break.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]// he's a character, that's for sure lmao & good :-) & aw thanks! i'll try to redeem myself soon lol




    "but wouldn't it make sense to slouch during back therapy? eh, it beats me. half of what they say is bullsh.t anyways. hey, if it does come to that i can always teach you some cool wheelchair tricks," i said with a soft smile. i was in a wheelchair for weeks after i got here, and i still had to use it from time to time. the only good thing i got out of it was other patients taught me how to do neat things with it. hell, we even had a wheelchair race one day. needless to say, i lost. oops.




    when things became more serious and slight hint darker, i went and sat beside him on the other beanbag. wow, i was right. these are comfy.




    i was surprised by the gentleness in his voice, it reminded me some of how the nurses would sound after one of my episodes. i didn't exactly mind it, it didn't seem condescending when he did it, almost...comforting.




    "no, it's okay.....maybe i should talk about.....start not letting everything bottle up, i suppose." i said, biting my lip for a second.




    "the thing with clary is that regardless of what anyone thought, i knew her quite well, she knew me well. you didn't realize that simply because you guys were never around her much unless you came to my room. she practically spent her entire day there. she didn't like leaving because she said the rest of the hospital reminded her too much of death and that didn't sit well with her. anyways, i don't know, i suppose that it was just nice to have someone to talk to, who wasn't going to judge me or think i was insane or selfish or just some stupid girl who just needed to suck it up and eat. no, she related to the complexity of it all, i didn't feel as though i was a burden or annoying when i talked about it with her because she got it, she lived it. and when she died, that was gone. i had nobody that got it anymore, that i didn't feel like would consider me ridiculous or something. clem listens sometimes and just nods or offers me sweet sentiments sometimes, you try, i know you do, but i keep thinking me talking about it and so focused on it will bother you. and sky, kind of gets it, in a different way, but it's something. although, it's not the same. it's just a lonely feeling, an inadequate feeling to be in control of whether or not you get better but at the same time be so out of control. this guilt that i have consistently creeping up on me isn't helping much either. i shouldn't be as guilty as i am, but it's just there, burrowing its way into me. you see, the night clary died she was also drinking, a bit too much in fact and she was crying and i kept asking her why but she was just crying and yelling incoherently and she said she was going to purge and i told her that was a bad idea with just alcohol and no food. she said it was okay so i asked if she needed me to hold her hair back, she just smiled and said no. so, i let her do her thing, thinking she would calm down afterwards, but suddenly she's screaming and shaking, telling me she's throwing up blood and i could see her from the doorway, kneeled on the floor with blood on her fingers. she looks so genuinely scared and i was paralyzed in shock, it was like i forgot how to move. she took it too far and we both knew that and i should've gotten a doctor the second she started screaming, but i didn't, i waited until there was more blood to get out of my fearing state and run to get emma or anybody. when i finally got emma's attention and we made it back, she was already dead. she ruptured her esophagus from all the stomach acid, all her purging caught up to her, just like how my starving is catching up to me. i can't help but think if i was a little quicker she would've been okay, sure, i do think after time she might've died anyways from complications or her own doing, there's always going to be part of me that won't forgive myself for not doing more and wants me to pay the price for that amongst other things. clary and i were each other's worst influences and triggers without even noticing it. .....i just, i feel....really lonely, i guess? i don't know, i miss my mom....and i miss not being so panicky and before all of this sh.t..." i said, looking down at the floor and trailing off towards the end.
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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_…58284513280/rxppLhvP.jpeg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]SKYLER CHRISTIAN CAIN we will come to pass, will i pass the test? you know what they say, yeah the wicked get no rest. you can have my heart, any place, any time. got so much to lose, got so much to prove, god don't let me lose my mind. trouble on my left, trouble on my right.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]// literally just thought of this plotline so lol it may suck depending on how i play it out




    she looks starstruck for a moment after i speak, as if she couldn't believe what i had said, making me smile. suddenly she got up to get her sketchbook and my brown eyes followed her curiously. i watched as she flipped the pages and finally got to the one she was looking for, now handing me her drawing. i stared at it intently, seeing the creative twist on the mythological creature icarus and the sun. she was icarus and i was the sun, reaching to catch her. i had to say, she had talent, i really hope she was planning on applying to some art school, regardless.




    she asked me if i liked it and i just had this dumbfounded smile on my face. "like it? clem, i love it. we should f.cking frame this!" i exclaimed, honestly mesmerized by her work. i mean, come on, it was heartfelt, included mythology, and was shaded and drawn perfectly. it was honest to god a masterpiece.




    however, my phone rang, causing me to sigh. "i'll get back to being extremely excited in one moment," i told clem with a teasing smirk, before getting my phone out of my pocket and answering it, not bothering to check the caller id.




    "hello?" i asked, waiting to hear the voice on the other line and once i did, i almost wanted to hang up.




    "ah, hey skyler. listen, i'm going to come and get the money you owe me from all those months ago. okay? and if you need a hook up, you know you have my number." the guy on the other line said, his voice deep and practically dripping with some kind of malice.




    "jesse. okay, fine, come get the money but that's it, then i better see you out of here. i don't mess with that sh.t anymore." i said, my voice flat and dismissive. you're probably wondering how i knew bella's abusive ex-boyfriend. well, he was actually my drug dealer and good friend at one point. he's how i met bella, pre-hospital. i still owed him money from a long time ago but now after what i knew, i wasn't f.cking around with him. he was going to come get his money and hightail it out of here or i was gonna kick his a.s.




    "wow, why so hostile?"




    "i know what you did to her, it's unexcusable." i replied sharply.




    ".....i'm coming to get my money." was all he said before hanging up.




    "this should be fun," i muttered sarcastically, flopping down on the bed and looking over at clem.[/fancypost][/fancypost]
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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pini…e9584ad15ffa72e80c2a0.jpg); background-position: top right;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px;][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Clementine Rose Harding[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: none; border-top: none;][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    [eh! skylar wh-why.. i find Lincoln and bella as the playful couple, where Lincoln is a little romantic and him and bella are stronger. like some kinda power couple. meanwhile, i find clem and skylar the cute couple, with skylar being energetic and him and clem being the ones that might do reckless crap if they both weren't hospitalized. well clem more specifically <33]




    i laughed loudly, covering my mouth with surprise at the burst of sound. still, however, i giggle behind it and take it from him. i guess i could frame it. i look up and glance around my walls. hell.. if there was any space! maybe i could surprise him, wrapping it up in its own frame or something so skylar could put it up in his room. i'm instantly reminded of the letter he'd told me about, i'd even seen it with my own eyes, and how i'd written it in my time of worry and depression. i can't believe he just tapped it on his wall so his nurse and whoever else can see.. it's a bit embarrassing and my cheeks flush.




    then i cough, the sudden ring of the phone sending shivers within me that tickled my throat. when i do and when he get up momentarily, i'm tilting my head in the bird-like way i often do and watch as he takes the call. a blush blooms on my cheeks, i pull my knees up to my chest, and then i grow instantly quiet i an attempt to try to hear the other end. of course i can be jealous but, i'm not overly nosy about who he talks to. i mean, maybe i should. he was face, muscle, body, everything a girl would just love to cling onto. i'm biting my tongue, the back of my hand still on my lips, and then when he says who he's talking to, i f.kin' loose it.




    i'm gasping, then coughing, and when i pull my hand away it's spattered in blood. damn it.. he'll find out.. i look around for something to clean my hand with and instantly hide it beneath me, trying not to wipe any blood on me in the process. i then stare at him like an anxious cat, but a shy smile eventually diverts that. but then again, he seems a bit focused with jesse.. when skylar finishes in remembrance of what he did to bella i breath a quiet sigh of relief. it's not like i didn't know.. but it always scared me to know what skylar was associated with back then. the words he just said, of leaving it all behind and repaying the money with not issues, it makes me feel a tinny bit unsafe and then.. safe.




    when he plops down with his sarcastic comment i keep my hand beneath me and lick my lips for any trace of blood. i had blurted out to Lincoln i was on a more brutal stage of my disease on accident. it had been going too easy for me it seemed, and now it was beginning to realize it's extended mercy. so, to hide the fact i'm hiding something, i bite my lip and look skylar over with a satisfied nod.




    "thank god it was no girl. i don't find you unfaithful, but i don't find you too careful either," i challenged with a playful smirk, nosing his face and then slightly becoming rattled with coughs. hell yeah, fibrosis knows how to kill everything i do. from trying to be sexy to trying to sleep.[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px solid #151515; border-bottom: 3px double #151515; border-left: none; height: 250px; width: 235px; background: url(https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id…95c1607bbfba1bo1&pid=15.1); background-position: top center; margin-left: -4px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: 3px solid #424242; border-bottom: none; border-left: 3px solid #151515; border-right: 3px solid #151515; height: 18px; width: 235px; border-left: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 200px; height: 20px; border-radius: 0em 0em 2em 2em; margin-top: -8px; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: bell mt; text-transform: lowercase;]Lincoln Dean Wolfee[/fancypost][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#424242; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 10px; overflow: hidden; border: 3px solid #151515; border-left: none; border-bottom: none; border-top: none; margin-left: -4px][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; height: 200px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto][fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: 245px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px; font-size: 9px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; color: white; font-family: verdana]
    i instantly throw my hands in the air, pointing to her as i laugh. "that's the funny thing! she says i'm slouching! i'm not slouching! i'd know if i was slouching! she claims i cheat on my personal therapy, and questions i should get a real therapist from here. hell to that idea. i don't need to be patronized, much less have someone holding my hand and my back.. i'd feel a bit invaded..," i respond, instantly reaching over and coming close to her as she sits in the bean bag chair. i'm like a little five-year-old, absorbed in her hair that runs and feels like silk in my fingers. it's something you can make into a dress.. the feeling not the hair of course.




    then... then she does it. she's admitting she's done holding things in and i wait to kiss her with joy. honestly right now, i want nothing more than to grab her face and kiss with such a comment. it's like my prayers have been answered instantly, or like she could read my mind. it's the kind of words i need to hear that sounds like she's ready to take more control of herself. I've been seeing the doubt in her eyes when she looks at her body and at her food. i'm hoping that doubt is more of a 'is he righ?t' rather than 'should i really consider changing at all.'




    i listen like a kid at story time, without bias and full interest. my eyes grow round and i wince near the end. i'm looking between her lips and her split wrists and then back and back again. i see it now, those cuts were not by choice but by anguish and fear. they were wounds of regret and pain. however, it was no excuse, but it was understandable. dad admitted to me that after my mother's death, he was at a loss for three years. three! he was quick to realize, however, that he was not entirely without his wife. i, of course, was what was left and he spoiled me with the equality he did my mother plus because i was his son.




    i remember him on my thirteenth birthday, handing my this massive present. i thought it was gong to be the x-box i always wanted, but instead it was just a box. a plain.. simple.. brown box. i admit i was disappointed, but then when it was opened it was much more than a box. it was the best gift ever, because though dad spoke about my mom he never let me dive within what her life was. she loved sapphire, and loved being a romantic.. i guess that rubbed off. but then again, my dad was a hidden romantic himself. when i found poems from him he'd be quick to snatch them with a flush to his face and i'd smirk knowingly. my dad was the practical boy, or rather man, filled with gutter of a mind when it comes to women.




    she's somewhat like my mother now, bella, in more of a sense where i'm turning into dad. partially without a gutter for a mind, but hey! i'm still it a boy, it comes by nature. so i'm careful when she looks to the floor, because I've experienced this side of bella for a while. i take her hand in my own, flip them over to expose her wrist, and kiss the scars on each gently. when i'm finished i put them to each side of my face and look solemnly at her. "i'm sorry bella wella. i never knew.."[/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]

    [fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; width: 509px; height: 0px; font-size: 5pt; line-height: 2px; text-align: center; color: white; font-family: georgia; text-transform: uppercase; margin-top: -3px; letter-spacing: 1px;]TEMPLATE ©BOKEH | BEWARE OF HIDDEN SCROLLIE | #BOKEHFANCY[/fancypost]

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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(http://s33.postimg.org/tml3mq93z/image.jpg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]BELLA EVERLY MELROSE help, i have done it again. i have been here many times before. hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. ouch, i have lost myself again. lost myself and i am nowhere to be found, yeah, i think that i might break.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]// leave it to skyler to start sh.t & omg yes yes yes! i've never heard anything more accurate in my life




    there was this peaceful silence that fell between us before lincoln shocked me by taking my wrist and turning it over to show my scars. "what are you--" i started to say but cut myself off as he kissed my scars. wasn't this the type of sh.t that only happened in john green novels? he then looked up at me and i smiled, and he said sorry that he never knew.




    i was paused for a moment before speaking, "it's okay, i never said anything...." i whispered, and then i don't know what happened but i just started crying, not in the panicky way i usually did but in an oh my god it feels good to let things out kind of way. as i was crying, i hugged him, burying my face in his chest. "i love you." i murmured, my words muffled some by his shirt. obviously we knew we loved each other, we just didn't ever flat out say it, partially because of my own irrational fear that once you say that, they leave. but here i was, saying it out without fear.




    i looked up at him then, blue eyes connecting with his green ones, and i smiled just a little and then went in to kiss him. truly, the only reason why i wasn't as extremely sexual as my personality was, was simply because i was insecure. however, i was learning how to loosen up and experience the things with lincoln that i wanted to. we were kissing and it was amazing, feeling my whole body electrify.




    i pulled away from his lips for a moment, hearing yelling from the hallway. "shall we investigate?" i asked with a smirk, not even realizing what i was about to walk into.




    i also took notice of my now cold soup, almost facepalming. if i didn't touch that i would definitely be getting my ng tube. "do you think if i ask emma to heat my soup back up she'll give me more time to try and eat it?" i asked skeptically, before shrugging. i mean, there was always dinner.




    the commotion outside sounded more intense, and i caught sound of what had to be sky's voice. "oh my god that sounds like skyler," i said. ....and almost like jesse...? no, no, it couldn't be.




    i opened my door and walked out into the hallway, walking a bit farther and then that's when i stopped dead in my tracks.




    i saw clem standing in her doorway and there was skyler, his lip was split and bleeding, and then there was jesse, his nose bloody. they had obviously been taking swings at each other. why the hell was he here?! and as if my thoughts were to be answered, jesse turned around, saw me and started walking my way and i tensed up like a statue.




    "oh, ara, i see you're still here. got yourself a new boytoy, huh? no f.cking surprise there. how's the eating disorder? you look like sh.t." he said bluntly with this sadistic smirk, making me cringe when he called me ara. he was the only one whoever called me that, that's why i made it a point to be called bella. god, he didn't even care who was around to hear him.




    jesus, i was so mad, so upset. i was going to do so well, so much better. and now he's here, right in front of me, making my mind shatter my perfect illusions. when i was around him i was not the fiesty girl i thought i was, i was submissive. but no, not right now, i don't know what came over me, i just screamed at him. big mistake.




    "go f.ck yourself! you are seriously the scum of the earth. why don't you go deep throat yourself rather than forcing other girls to like the sh.tdick you are?" i looked him right in the eyes, and he was absolutely livid, i had never spoken to him like that.




    "you little b.tch. what makes you think you can talk to me like that?" he said softly and exaggerrated, and i watched as his hand moved up and i completely stood in my place, all the air sucked out of me then. his hand connected with my face, he actually hit me right in front of everyone. all i could do was stand there, everything that i finally got away from just snapped back at me.




    after that, i think that's when skyler absolutely lost it and tackled jesse right into the wall, punching him straight in the jaw. "how does it feel, jesse?" he said, pinning him against the wall by his shirt, right in his face, making himself very clear. "if i wanted to kill you, i would. jail doesn't scare me. you come back here and i'll make sure it happens." i don't think i've ever heard sky's voice sound so serious and angry. finally, the hospital security came around and got skyler off of jesse and one guy escorted jesse out of the place, and i still just stood there, wanting to say thank you but not being able to speak. i wasn't supposed to ever see his face again.
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    [fancypost bgcolor=; border: 6px solid #f2f2f2; background: url(https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_…58284513280/rxppLhvP.jpeg) center; background-size: cover; width: 130px; height: 145px;][/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#e6e6e6; border: none; border-top: 4px solid #0d0d0d; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; height: 79px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-top: 1px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 158px; min-height: 79px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 9px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]SKYLER CHRISTIAN CAIN we will come to pass, will i pass the test? you know what they say, yeah the wicked get no rest. you can have my heart, any place, any time. got so much to lose, got so much to prove, god don't let me lose my mind. trouble on my left, trouble on my right.
    [/fancypost][/fancypost][/fancypost]    		 [fancypost bgcolor=#f2f2f2; border: none; border-left: 5px solid #0d0d0d; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: hidden; padding: 7px; margin-left: -4px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; padding-right: 24px;][fancypost borderwidth=0px; width: 309px; min-height: 250px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; font-size: 10px; color: #0d0d0d; line-height: 8.5px;]i laugh at her comment, smirking, "you don't trust me? oh, i feel so betrayed! a stab right to the heart!" i tease, acting out stabbing myself in the heart with a stake before laughing. i knew in all reality she really did worry about that kind of thing, but come on, i was all about clem and only clem. if i wanted to be with someone else it would've been already evident.




    i give her a playful smirk, sitting up now and then kissed her, before tasting what seemed like the remnants of blood and pulling away. interesting. she was coughing quite hard earlier, wasn't she? oh....ding ding ding! possibly coughing up blood? with her disease, probably. you see, i had this habit of looking up as much info on the group's illnesses so i could know what i'm talking about for once in my life.




    "you know clem, if you're coughing up blood, it's fine if you don't want to tell me but if it gets any worse i'd really like to know." i told her rather casually. truly, something was bound to happen now or later and sometimes people like to keep the worst effects secret and i get that so i wasn't mad or anything. i would just like to be able to help in anyway i could.




    my phone buzzed then, getting the text from jesse that said, yo i'm here. i sighed, looking back to clem, "i guess that's my cue, i'd recommend staying in here in case sh.t goes down, but it's your call." i said, getting up and walking out of the room to go wait in the hallway.




    a little over five minutes passed before i caught sight of jesse walking over to me, black hair swept up to the side and wearing some old letterman jacket, i think it was the one he had before we both got kicked off the team. whatever.




    "skyler, you're looking well. " he said, wearing that twisted smirk he always did. he was surely an egotistical and manipulative guy, but he had a weird charmisma to him that came off as arrogant but also elusive. he tried too hard to be a jackass when it already came naturally to him.




    "skip the formalities, jesse. here's your money, you can leave now." i said, getting out my wallet and handing him a 50, two 20's, and a 10. i would've given him the cash in all singles if i could. what can i say? i'm petty.




    "aw, come on, sky. we were such good friends. you're gonna let that go just because you're pissed that i gave that b.tch what she needed. she should stop whining about it." he said, laughing some.




    was this guy serious right now? was he high right now? hell, probably. because he was halfway decent when sober and a complete monster when not.




    "shut up. we all know the only way you can ever get some is taking advantage of girls who don't deserve that sh.t. i don't know how you live with yourself, man." i said, taking a jab at him.




    he looked mad, like he was ready to fight me. "you wanna fight? go for it. i'd love to hand your a.s to you." i said blatantly, and he went for it, landing a punch to the left side of my face, making my lip bust. alrighty then. i don't just stand around, i handle it.




    i punched him back, square in the face and he went back for me, trying to get me against the wall and i got out of the way. and we just went back and forth, he got a couple good ones in, i must admit, but oh, you better believe i was beating his dumbass, i didn't take up boxing for nothing. he was yelling at me and i was giving him one word responses. that's when bella i guess heard it all and came out here to see what was going on, and i looked away for a moment and jesse got one solid punch to my stomach and oh my god, did that hurt. my damn liver, wow. i couldn't move for a moment and i had to watch at the exchange between jesse and bella, and when she for the first time ever raised her voice at him, he just slapped her right across the face.




    i had it then, i was more than livid, they needed to make up a new word for how mad i was. i didn't even care about any pain i might feel, it was gone or either numbed now. i straight up tackled him into the wall, surprised that when my fist connected with his face i didn't knock him out. probably a black eye this time. i had him in an almost chokehold, grabbing him by the shirt and making my point crystal clear. i could kill him and was not going to hesitate to if i saw him near bella, clem, or anyone i knew pretty much ever again. the anger in my voice was so real, i don't think i've ever used that voice more than twice in my life. i seemed harmless, always joking and happy go lucky, but when i wanted to, i could surely raise hell.




    security came, long overdue, and pulled me off of jesse and the other security guy escorted jesse out of the building. good riddance. this is what happens, my friends, when your past catches up with you. you always think it's behind you, and most of ot is, but you'll find little parts slip their way to you here and there. [/fancypost][/fancypost]
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