[fancypost bgcolor=; border: 0px; width: 425px; text-align: justify; font-size: 12px; text-trasform: lowercase][font=arial]It had been a long, tiresome trek from Sunclan all the way to the middle of god knows where, painful both mentally and physically for the scarred male. With each step his heart ached to go back, with each step his head ached more and more, and Ronan still couldn't determine if his choice was the correct one. If leaving Sunclan was the right thing to do, or if he had ended up screwing himself over yet again. Because, ultimately it came down to only one thing again. He had promised, even if not out loud, to stay by Tasukete's side and help him. The moment that he had met him on the Scarclan border, this close to hurting himself, Ronan had involuntarily felt his soul connect to the other's. And yet, he was breaking yet another promise with each step in the opposite direction. And however hard he tried to ignore the face that kept coming up in his mind, it was impossible to bury the concerns he felt. So why was he still walking? Because he had a strange feeling that if he decided to return he'd have to deal with the fact that he had hurt his friend, deal with his past mistakes.
All he ever did was run away from them, and he wasn't ready to go back and deal with them yet. Maybe not ever. The past was too painful to dwell on.
And so Ronan hadn't looked back even once after leaving, staring straight ahead as he walked day and night, his eyes constantly black and shadowed. His nerves were eating him up, and he couldn't get them to go back to their usual state. Accompanied by the dark bags under the german shepherd's eyes, he looked ghastly, like death himself. He looked exactly as defeated as he felt. Yet still he walked silently through night on tired and blood-caked paws, the wind gently caressing his tan pelt as faint shivers occasionally ran down his spine. He wasn't sure which were from regret and pain and which were from the breeze itself, but he didn't bother fight them away. He had all but given up on that.
It had taken him four nights to travel here, the reason being that he hadn't slept for those past nights at all. He was weary, worn out and by this point fairly sure that he was depressed as well. Sleep was pulling at his mind, wanting to control his mind, but he didn't let it, his insomnia still keeping him awake. Ronan's dreams weren't a sanctuary anymore, they were a nightmare, hell itself. Funny, seeing as his head used to be his element. But now it only belonged to his father, and by depriving himself of much needed rest, he was silencing Lirim's voice in his mind, which allowed him to find some sort of uneasy peace despite the sacrifices he was making. But it was fairly visible that he hadn't slept for a while, his whole form looking rugged and tired as he finally stumbled onto the Brotherhood's border, inky black gaze glancing around in a look of hopeless distress and fury, both feelings which were directed at no one else but himself.
It was still late at night, and the German shepherd took a shaky breath to steady himself and to force himself awake, digging his claws into his forearms until the still raw wounds on said forearms opened up slightly, new black blood dotting his delicate skin. Ronan focused on the pain, taking another breath and releasing it slowly in order to bring himself back into the real world.
He was a god damn mess. "Hello?" Ronan rumbled out, tail flicking behind him as a result of the anxiety pricking at his muscles. He didn't deserve any of this. "My name is Ronan, and I'd like to join," he continued out, manipulating his voice to send it across the territory to where he assumed the camp was due to his super senses.
Distress suddenly clawed it's way forcefully up Ronan's throat and a strangled cry escaped the canine, and he fell back slightly, steadying himself by pushing himself against a tree. Pain gripped his chest and the dreamwalker sucked in a sharp breath, squeezing his dark eyes shut. And, of course, like always Tasukete's image was engraved into his eyelids, and tears slowly started to form in the male's eyes. "I'm so... I'm so sorry," he whispered out hoarsely, before slumping down against the tree and attempting to regain his composure and breath. "I'm sorry for leaving but... I can't go back," he continued, well aware that no one was listening but somehow being glad that he could say these things out loud, get them out of his system even if the person the words were directed at wasn't there infront of him.
A sudden idiotic thought entered Ronan's mind, but in his delirious and distressed state the male didn't realize how stupid it was. It sounded perfectly sane to him, and he quickly did what his own head was telling him. What was the point of seeing if he couldn't even look at the only person who he trusted? He'd only ever see bad things with his eyes, see the pain and suffering he put people through. So what was the point? The idea of being blind seemed appealing to him.
So he did it. It wasn't even hard, and there was no pain. Ronan simply wished for it, shifted into an identical body, except when he opened his eyes again, the world was black and empty. Just like it should have been. Just like he deserved. Another shaky breath escaped the male as he leaned even more against the tree next to him, glad for it's solid presence. And even though he was so lost now without his sight... he felt happier. He felt like punishing himself was what he deserved. So he stayed there, waiting for anyone to come over from having heard his statement.
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