we'll get back up → [P, Phil]

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    [justify]It was around one in the morning and one of the few lights in the camp was coming from Trevor's cabin. He was up late again, nothing he wasn't used to already. The young tom was seated at his desk, staring out through the window in front of him. It would have been a nice portrait to admire, if you didn't include the thoughts racing through Trevor's mind at the moment. Of how he felt like a major failure as a son, a brother, a friend and clanmate. Each of those haunting ideas made his heart ache constantly, yet the male managed to hide it well.


    First, there were his insecurities of how he was performing in his duties as a son and brother. He couldn't do anything to save his mom, Sayaka. Trevor missed her every single day, just as he missed Vandeadcarnival, the father he'd never known yet still loved immensely. He loved his parents with all he had, wishing that fate had been kinder to the two of them. Then, his siblings. Sure, he'd see them around, however they all tended to come and go as they pleased...just like Trevor. The young tom wanted to be able to stop time so he could spend more moments with his littermates, getting to know more about them with each passing day. It was all his fault though, he was barely around, however he definitely wanted to change that soon.


    Second, the guilty feelings in his heart when it came to his friends and clanmates. Trevor did what he could to remain in their lives, all the while trying to keep himself from getting too close. He wanted to prevent as many losses as possible and it seemed the only way he could do that was to put up a front in order to keep people from digging too deep. Then, sometimes...times arose when his promise to protect people made him do things like when he'd gone on the offense against Phil's dragon form a few days ago. He was torn between protecting a friend and protecting the clan, immediately feeling terrible for not attempting to protect both of them. Those feelings still lingered in his heart now, making him feel pure, immense guilt that would most likely remain there for the rest of his life.


    It came as a surprise to Trevor that he'd managed to keep a relatively alright grip on his emotions with only a few secret times and one not so secret time when the pressure made him crack. He would have dwelled on all of these thoughts for so much longer, but the sound of the front door to his cabin opening made him leap down off the stool in front of his desk. With great care, he called, "Who's there?"[/justify]

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    Trevor's voice coming from the desk so suddenly made Phil jump, and being obnoxiously clumsy the guardian crashed to the floor. Oh, why had he decided to do this so late at night?


    Phil sometimes felt like he wasn't wanted- and his fear of rejection was always building up inside of him. First it was his mother- Wineglass, who had been an irresponsible mother, drinking on pregnancy and leaving him and his sister when they were but three moons old. Littlepaw was blind because of her- and luckily, Phil had avoided any birth defects, but he could have been deaf or mute or blind too. The feline always had harboured a sort of hatred for his birth mother, but not one he'd voice nor dwell on. Then Dan... Dan hadn't rejected him, but the universe really didn't want them to be together, because the exact day that Phil was going to tell Dan his feelings, his best friend and crush was brutally torn away from him by BoneClan. And then Kate. Phil didn't want to speak to Kate very much anymore- he was a little salty toward her and Prague.


    Dizzily, Phil got up, blinking a couple times before shaking his head and completely coming to. It seemed the old Phil was back, a little less trusting, sure- but at least he wasn't depressed anymore. He picked up his flower-crown and ruffled his fringe back to the way it was, smiling. "It's Phil! Sorry to come in so loudly, Trevor." the ebony tomcat laughed, padding a little further into the other's cabin. "I was just wondering if I could have a little chat with you? I'd like to get to know you better." he admitted rather sheepishly, before adding, "I's sorry it's so late; I couldn't sleep."

    [justify]Mentally, Trevor was freaking out like a professional. He always tried his best to keep people from getting too close, but the universe always sided with whoever was trying to get to know him better. However, the mental storm calmed as he stepped closer to Phil, checking to make sure the other was alright. He couldn't point out what it was about Phil, but Trevor could never gather the strength needed to put up his front when Phil was around. Shrugging that off, he gave a smile to his clanmate...a real, genuine smile that said Trevor was happy to see him.


    "It's cool and sounds like a plan. Follow me," the six moon old tom stated, leading the way further into the cabin. A few more steps and the desk as well the bed entered his line of sight. Trevor leaped up onto the stool, wanting to make sure that Phil felt welcomed by this nonverbal way of giving his clanmate the bed to take a seat on. "Fire away whenever you're ready with questions. Nothing is off limits," he declared.[/justify]

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    It's cool. Trevor liked saying that, didn't he? Ah... but Phil didn't mind. In a way, the guardian had found it soothing whenever he said that, a reminder that Trevor accepted him. He blinked his aquamiarine visionaries before he followed the other into the cave, a grin curving his charcoal maw. The invitation to speak couraged Phil further and he sat. "So, first... it's a bit stupid to still dwell on it, heh!" he laughed, brushing his fringe out of his eyes. It seemed his cheer had returned- he was still extremely guilty, but... at least he was back to the way he used to be. "But I wanted to make sure that you weren't hurt after what happened a few days ago?" The ashen tomcat tilted his head a little, anticipating the other's reply; he hoped that Trevor wouldn't find his query annoying.

    [justify]Much like his friend, Trevor only dwelled on his newfound catchphrase for only a few moments before speaking. Giving Phil a smile, the young tom stated then inquired, "I'm alright, I only landed wrong and that made my muscles feel kinda weird, but that's all. How are you feeling?" This was something that Trevor was well-versed in...always changing the subject from how he was doing to how his friends/family felt. They always mattered more to him, even if he was injured or under the weather and needed somebody by his side, he would never admit it in favor of sticking by the people in his life.[/justify]

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    "Ah, sorry..." muttered the guardian, shrugging his shoulders and hiding behind them. The feline felt a bit humiliated about what he had done earlier, and he felt like it had... broken his friendship with some people; Kate and Praguepaw, in particular. He felt guilty too, and even though he'd apologised, he just knew no-one forgave him- except for maybe Trevor. Trevor had... the other had been there the entire way through the ordeal, and was still with him now, comfortable to have a chat in the middle of the night- something which not many of his friends were willing to do. "Um... yeah. I'm good. I feel like... some people hate me for what I did, though. And... for some reason I'm not finding it so easy to trust people anymore. I mean, the way Praguepaw looks at me..." the guardian sighed shakily, obviously still a bit shaken from previously.

    [justify]Trevor opened and closed his mouth a few times before stating, "I'm fine now though. Just needed to take it easy for a few days." He listened carefully to Phil, allowing his friend's words to hit his ears then sink into his brain. Unfortunately his control over his emotions slipped temporarily, fur bristling at the mention of Praguepaw. "If anybody gives you trouble, then call my name and I'll have your back," Trevor replied prior to teleporting from the stool he was sitting on over to the bed, in order to sit next to Phil. The mere thought of someone hating Phil was enough to make Trevor's blood metaphorically boil, itching to start a fight with anybody who dared to look at a friend of his the wrong way. "I can see why you'd have some difficulty trusting people...I'm kind of the same way, but for an entirely different reason," he added sheepishly a few moments later.[/justify]

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    The ashen tomcat nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. Crap, he hadn't wanted this to be depressing, but... some things could get pretty deep, he knew that. A feeble smile curved his lips, and his aquamarine visionaries flickered to the ground as he drew in a shaky breath. He was avoiding eye contact until the subject of trust issues was brought up, which subsequently ended up in him snapping his head to the side and making immediate eye contact with the male, his optics soft and welcoming. "Woah... I had no idea! Hey, I guess we have something in common, right?" he laughed, tilting his head. "Just out of curiosity, uhh... why is it that you have trust issues?"

    [justify][font=times new roman]"That certainly seems to be the case. As for why I have trust issues...it's the fact that while leaving might be a normal part of life, I don't want to give someone my trust only to have them waltz out of my life sometime later. Sometimes though, you can't help, but give someone your trust before they're gone. I don't hold grudges against most of the people who have left, they were family and I still love them," Trevor answered, tail curling neatly over his paws as he glanced away. Maybe it wasn't too late to stop talking, so that way he wouldn't find a slice of trust metaphorically slipping away and being handed to Phil. However, he only took a deep breath prior to adding, "I've figured that if I try to keep people from knowing too much about the real me, then maybe it won't hurt as much when they're gone. I know it's stupid, that's not all though. There are special cases, where whenever I'm around someone, I feel like they deserve to know the real me. People like you, for example."

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    The guardian listened intently, his piercing aquamarine ocularies cloudy and his ginger brows furrowed. The feline sighed, but a smile yet again laced his maw and his expression brightened. "I'm glad you find me trustworthy, Trevor!" he chimed, his signature toothy grin etched upon his features. He drew in a sharp, short breath, before beginning to speak. "See, my problem is that I get attatched to people really quickly, and when something bad happens... like with Dan, for example... I just..." his words hitched in his throat, and for a second it sounded as if he was on the verge of crying, before a forced smile curved on his lips. "...snap."

    [justify]Trevor carefully aimed to touch his nose to Phil's, hoping the guardian would find the gesture comforting. "It's alright, Phil. We can't all keep being strong forever. Especially when fate decides to be a royal pain, messing up the lives of people who don't deserve it," the young tom stated, immediately regretting the second thing he said. Starclan, he sounded like a major hypocrite. In his life so far, Trevor's emotions had only gotten the better of him once and that was awhile after his mom had passed away. At all other times, he tried to keep being strong for those around him. For his brothers and sisters back in the Rebellion, for his clanmates both back home and in Windclan...for friends like Phil, who only needed to know the upbeat, flirtatious songwriter side of his personality, but ended up getting so much more than they bargained for.[/justify]