i fucked up and i hate myself vent

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    [justify][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; width: 420px; color: darkgrey;][sub]everything's gone to shit in the past week or so. i recently made new friends and they're super fun, but as they seemed to get to know me better, i feel like i just annoy them. im a poser, i admit, and i crave to be part of something like a friend group (ACTUALLY part of, not just the friend on the side) because i've never really had that. and now i do, kinda, but i feel like im fuckign it up because i'm too loud and obnoxious. i try my best to be mature but then i dont know what to say. i never know what to say actually in general. verbal communication is hard for me, and though i can do it, it takes allot of effort. ALLOT. and even then my brain goes completely blank every 2 fuckign seconds. it's not something that can be helped, it's some dumb trait i got from my dad or something. i jsut have to put up with it.


    i also cant decide what i want, and i hurt the person i care about most in my life while doing so and this is what makes me hate myself the most. i could have handled a situation so much better, i could have had the sense to say 'no, fuck him, my girlfriend is 1000x better than him and she deserves so much more' but no my mind went to cluster fuck and shit hit the fan. for me emotionally anyway. that guy is an asshole anyway, fuck him. since then my gf broke up with me, but because that the relationship wasn't gonna work out for now. which is what she said, but im worried it's because i hurt her and i cant get over that. i feel like i'm just annoying her now too since the break up recently, because i keep fucking pestering her with texts and shit because she's the only one i wan to talk to. i cant handle her not being there. its fucking me over so bad. i hope to god that she still somewhat likes me after all the shit i've slipped in, because i dont know what id do if she hated me or something.


    i have this massive ego and i like to boost it from getting positive attention from friends. also impressing them. if i draw, its to impress. if i speak, its to impress. if i fucking walk, its to impress. i always feel the need to impress and i feel so fucking good when someone is impressed with me. honestly i'm really not that impressive. i know that for a fact.


    i'd be okay with fucking up a friendship or something, but fucking up what i had with my gf is something that i hope i didn't do (though i might have, or, probably have). at this point i'd do anything to make her happy. anything. even if it killed me (which sounds really fucking cringy i know)


    there are so many things i want to do and say but i just physically cant. i want to be in a happy and healthy relationship with her and for things to be ok and for me to not fuck up every time i open my mouth.


    there's a ton of other shit but this is whats happened recently has me fucked up the worst. ive never cried this much before (apart from when i was a child of course) because idk i just dont cry. im good at not crying, i can take a punch to the stomach or somethign and not cry. if that gives you an idea of how much this is hurting me right now

    The post was edited 1 time, last by r!ley ().

    I understand what it's like to want to have friends and not just be off to the side. I'm pretty antisocial and when I do actually want to talk to someone, I just can't bring myself to do it no matter how much I'm willing myself to. It's annoying.


    I know this might be hard but I'd say find someone who can help you. Maybe write them a letter at first so it's not as hard to communicate, and get that person to try and help you. Maybe you could write to your gf, like an actual paper pencil letter. It also shows a lot more thought than a text message. Again, on not the best at socializing but maybe I can provide some help with it. If you ever need to pm someone with a rant or a vent in open, and I'm not affected by triggers or cussing/swearing <3


    Sorry this post was short.


    [justify]I'm a slight hybrid between a super popular and liked kid and a misfit ... so I know both sides a little. it's complicated to explain


    I hang out with people I know people class as 'weird', although, really, they're not too weird and they're pretty normal when you get to know them. School social class just tells them they're weird. =^P School social class is dumb in that manner.


    But for a solution to your problems, I'd just stop trying to impress people and I'd try to make up with your girlfriend, but if she doesn't like you because you hurt her ... well, it's a lesson to learn from, I guess.


    I mean how I am in real life is that ... I kind of shift, in a way? Around close friends I'm extroverted and have this weird, witty but misunderstood sense of humor that can overwhelm people and make them call me weird, but they know they can't call me stupid because if they know me they know I'm super resourceful/insightful. So I usually only keep friends who get past that stage and hang around if I'm weird. And I make a lot of nice friends that way and I weed out the ones I don't want pretty quickly. i especially like the ones that give me humor tips because on comedy i am on a toriel scale ... which is into the negative range. it's that bad i know


    But I don't think it's healthy that you're trying to impress everyone, nor that you think YOU aren't very impressive. You're pretty rad, you have to admit. You're a human being, which in itself is something to applaud -- after all, we're some of the smartest creatures on the planet. You're witty, you're smart, you're talented -- more talented than a lot of people. Not everyone knows how to draw as well as you do.


    So if you know that your friends don't like you because you're being yourself instead of trying to impress them, look for new friends. It's a painstaking process to go through i go through it a lot help me. But I used to only have about 5 friends at a middle school where everyone was new ... then, a few years later, that group grew into about a 15-20 people group it's crowded and hard to get seats at help xD all because of me. why? because i was the one that reserved the table at lunch rip. or i used to be xD because we have to 'reserve' tables, so to speak. there's like 1,000,000 kids that want tables so the early bird gets the worm.


    well you don't have to do that, you can just be who you want around them and just be you because that's who you are and who you enjoy being :3 that's what other people do, after all. and honestly breaking up with someone and saying you'd do anything isn't really cringey, it's kind of common. i'm sure many people feel like that after a break-up. haven't personally experienced it tho


    + My brain does that too xD Speech and debate classes helped me though, and now I just learn to make a plan, stay organized and keep the rules of things in mind at all times so I speak better. For example, so and so friend hate so and so anime. DOn't talk about so and so anime around so and so friend or else so and so friend will go ballistic and rant for 7,500,000 years. i do this with many animes, heh


    + Remember that even if you don't have friends in real life, you still have Feral Front buds for life right?? :D
    that should be a badge
    why haven't i made a badge for that
    jUST REMEMBERED i think i do actually    [/justify]

    The post was edited 1 time, last by Redd.png [school] ✎ ().