complex feelings?

?vixen ? · Feb 28th 2016

[justify]these days, things have been kinda weird for me. like, a lot of things. i'll enclose them in spoilers so there isn't a whole wall of text ??

stuff

1. i'm naturally really really shy when i'm not around my friends. i don't connect with people easily, so i'm often seen as that quiet mousy girl in the back of the class who doesn't really do anything. it's hard for me to do something as simple as ask for a piece of paper from a classmate when i need one? pretty bad. i'm a lot more outgoing/bubbly/hyper when i'm around my friends, and on the whole i feel a lot better about myself around them, which brings me to my next point.

2. i go to a magnet school (i'm in high school) that focuses heavily on math and science. it's a rigorous academic program meant for people who are going to be rocket scientists one day or whatever, but it's sort of a small program since it's located in another school (doesn't have its own building as of yet) and it only accepts, like, 80 applicants out of the hundreds who apply each year? it's a bit different in that on a days we go to our normal high school, but on b days we take a bus to the high school the program is situated in and we spend our day learning math and science there. my older sister goes there, so naturally i was kinda expected to apply. i applied. the application process consisted of taking the psat (the old one) and then, if you make the cut, sending in a resume/essay and then going in to do a timed write.

there are people who prep for years in order to pass the application process, and they still don't get in. this is a prestigious magnet school, and people who get in are generally at least in the 99th percentile range, in the county or country or whatever. for me, though, the process was really easy, since it was like 90% writing. and i'm good at writing, or at least good enough for my age that my writing gets me places. in the psat i got a 211 due to my high reading and writing scores, while you only have to get around a 180 or higher to get in. and then the rest was just writing, so i got into the school.

naturally, i accepted, because this generally isn't a thing you can just turn down since it's such a prestigious program. but in retrospect, i never really wanted to go. since my older sister went and all, i guess i thought of the program as a distant, vague blur in my future that i would eventually have to go through, like college and a career. thing is, i didn't even like science and math all that much. i liked english and music. people who get into the school often get stellar grades in them, being the top of their class, and i got around b pluses and a minuses. keep in mind that this is a school with very high standards, and the people in them think that an a minus is pretty much the same thing as failing. yeah.

there wasn't even a lot of pressure put on me to go, and i certainly had a lot of warnings. my parents told me it was perfectly fine if i didn't want to go. the school orientations i attended continually warned us that this was a very rigorous program. but i went anyway. it shouldn't be too hard, right?

so so so wrong.

a bunch of my friends go to this same magnet school as me, and we have formed a tight-knit little friend group. but none of them are in my advisory, which is the class of around 15-20 people you are randomly shuffled into. in freshman year you take all the same classes as them (which are only, well, math and science), and being a freshman i'm stuck with them for the entire year. so, i didn't have my friends to support me, and so i once more was the quiet girl.

which wasn't great. okay, since the program is so small and exclusive, generally everyone shares the same interests (math and science), and so its a pretty tight-knit, welcoming community. but i don't share the same interests, not really. i'm... the dumbest person in my advisory, really. everyone else has grades of above 95 and think that anything below is failing, and i'm just there... with my 80s in both math and science... (also keep in mind that if your overall grade is lower than a B- by the end of the quarter, you get kicked out of the program. so i'm continuously on the cusp of getting kicked out.)

everyone is so smart, and it's not like they're total shut-in nerds either. they're cool and outgoing, and funny and nice and welcoming. i shut myself out of my own advisory, though. i'm so intimidated by how amazing everyone else is, and meanwhile i'm just there, failing all my tests and quizzes. (there are no retakes of any kind in this program. the only reason my overall grade stays afloat is through my good lab report grades, really.) people jump up, partake in these really in-depth and thought-provoking discussions about gravity or whatever, and i can't follow at all. i'm just in this shell of apathy where i stare at the board but don't comprehend anything, such that when i get home i realize i've learned nothing at all and i just have to google everything in hopes that i can pick up some scraps of information. i can't pay attention in class anymore. everything is just so hard. i really don't like math and science.

i can't ask for help. i'm too scared and shy to. i get the feeling that if some of my friends were in my advisory, i would be happier, more willing to participate, and even more capable of getting better grades. but they're not, so i just have to stake it out on my own, and i'm not doing so well in it. the other people in my advisory attempt to draw me into the conversation and such, but i have nothing to contribute, so. it's not great.

everything about this program is so scary. my parents have asked me if i want to drop out, but i don't want to, because honestly that's just embarrassing. it's too far into the year to do that, anyway. my math grade right now is horrible, and even though i study for so long, i get failing grades. if i don't raise it then i could be kicked out. i feel like an outsider to my advisory and teachers, despite all their efforts to draw me in.

3. i'm really oversensitive to criticism and comments and such. i cry really easily. sometimes i cry in public, but fortunately i've mastered the art of crying silently and lying about how i feel, so people don't notice. recently i've been breaking down a lot more, though. thinking, i'm so dumb and useless and horrible and cruel and maybe i should just disappear? i would never have the courage to attempt suicide or physically self-harm or anything, but i feel that if i was given the option to simply stop existing, i would take it in a heartbeat.

it's an on and off thing. i feel happy when i'm with my friends and listening to music, and things like that, but sometimes things just come crashing down on me. i feel like i'm being annoying and clingy, so i draw away from people, but at the same time i crave intimacy, so i draw closer. i don't know. i doubt myself a lot, and my confidence and self-esteem has really been taking some serious hits lately. it's scary. i'm super indecisive now too, and whenever i have to make a simple or important decision i feel put on the spot and i mumble some kind of incomprehensible confirmation. i let people choose what to do for me but then i realize that i can't handle the responsibility of their choices.

i'm just sad a lot these days.

4. and i crave attention. i really, really do. and then i realize it, and then i feel more horrible about myself, and i think that maybe i have an actual problem that needs to be fixed? but then i shoot myself down again. my thought processes generally go like:
me: maybe i have depression
me: i mean i show a lot of symptoms of it
me: but wait, aren't i just self-diagnosing myself? maybe i'm just doing it for attention
me: even though no one really notices that i'm sad/apathetic
me: this is pathetic
me: i'm just blowing all my insignificant little problems way out of proportion, just so i can give myself the liberty of feeling bad about myself so i can host little pity parties
me: there's people with so many worse problems and then there's me, complaining about little things
me: i mean i'm not even trying to change anything about myself
me: maybe i actually like feeling sad and depressed because it gives me a reason to drown in self-pity. maybe i'm just romanticizing depression and i'm hoping for some prince(ss) in shining armor to swoop down from the sky and magically save me. maybe i'm just
me: god i hate myself
me: i should get started on this homework
me: no i really don't feel like it
me: see i'm relying on my (self-diagnosed) "depression" again as an excuse to get me out of doing things i'm too lazy to do

and on and on and on.

5. i'm the biggest hypocrite. i mourn about how people keep judging others, and then i find myself judging too. i grieve about people who don't do their work, and then i remember that i can hardly carry my own weight either.

6. there's a lot more things but i'm just going to stop the list here because it's gone too long already.

wow that was really long. thanks for reading. i just needed to get that out of my system, really, so you don't have to comment with your thoughts/comforts or anything? really, thank you for considering this. means a lot to me.

Redd. · Feb 29th 2016

[justify]^{i think that if you don't want to go to that program, then just don't go. =^) If you don't want to be, like, a scientist or something one day, you probably shouldn't pile responsibilities onto yourself, especially in your current state and especially if you're just doing it to impress people or something. If you want to become, like, a storyboard artist for an anime or TV show or whatever you want to do, focus on that.}

^{I'm in a similar program although I don't have any problems with it - my program isn't as strict, either, so that's another thing. xD You get kicked out if you get, like, a D in science or math by the end of the 9 weeks. So I think a B is really good, no matter what kind of B it is. I want to be in STEM because my dad's a sheet metal engineer that works on planes and my 2 back-up plans in life are to either be A.) a car engineer for NASCAR or B.) an engineer at where my dad works (because government jobs are stable and pay well)}

^{also i overthink everything so i already have the majority of my career planned out}

^{Also, you should go out and do stuff with friends/family so you can stop feeling sad, or do something online, like ... participate in chats, maybe? Or look up the reddit of an anime you like. Or watch anime. Or watch YouTubers. or watch JonTron. Just do something fun that you enjoy. =^)}

^{Also, have better self-discipline. If you have homework, you need to do it. If you want to get good grades, you've gotta do homework -- homework makes up a big part of your grade. Even if you feel sad and depressed, just try and feel better by listening to nice music, etc., while doing homework. Trust me. You'll thank yourself in the future. speaking from experience}

^{To feel better, well, maybe see a psychologist to check if it's clinical depression. If you can't, then try to fix your problems yourself. Get to the root of them. And it seems to me you're just feeling stressed out from homework and feel sad because you don't have many friends in your Science and Math areas at school. So I'd just try to do more stuff I like (maybe try roller-skating or going to a dog park if you have a dog -- just do something fun okay xD see a movie!) and just make more friends.}

^{or that's what i'd do, anyways}

^{and i can totally relate because I've been the 'quiet kid' too. And people have actually picked on me for seemingly no reason except that they wanted to be idiots?? and i guess because they think I'm stupid because I'm quiet? so i'll be easier to pick on or something? But you just have to be logical about stuff.}

^{I used to be pretty sensitive, too, but I realized that it doesn't make sense to cry about something if the other person is wrong. For example, someone calls you, like, an idiot or something. But are you actually stupid? Well, no, because you're a human being and human beings have some of the most amazing brains on the planet. And even if you did say something that was incorrect or got something wrong, that doesn't mean you're an idiot. That just means you're not right all the time - no one is.}

^{or that's how i look at things, anyways ^^'}[/justify]

Patchtail · Mar 1st 2016

OK, I'm not good at giving advice but I have a thing to say about the "4. do i really have a problem i should get help for, or am i just pretending i do so i can pity myself and be lazy" shame spiral. I know that spiral pretty well and this is a thing that took me a really long time to realize:

It's okay to get/ask for/look for psych help regardless of whether you have a diagnosable mental illness or not.
You do have actual problems. If they are adversely affecting your life - which it sounds like they are - then they count as actual problems. They don't have to fall under the label of "depression" or "social anxiety disorder" or whatever to be worthy of getting help for them. It's even okay to see a therapist/counselor without being mentally ill.
Like, having a hard time talking to people or asking for help or making decisions, not understanding the material in class, being hurt by criticism, disliking yourself -- these are all concrete problems you mentioned.
Some of them are the kind that a counselor might actually be able to help with (especially the self esteem/criticism stuff), and a school counselor (or your doctor) might also be able to point you towards other psych resources like individual therapists or therapy groups (e.g. for social stuff) for teens in your area.
Some are the kind that if your school has a learning center/academic counseling center, or offers tutoring, they might be able to help with. Or there are online tutoring services too I believe? some of them might be free idk? i haven't really researched this bit.

Also are there other ways you could contact your teachers to ask them for help, other than actually going up and talking to them in person? For instance, email is easier for me.

also here are some links that have helped me in the past:
the thoughts room
the dawn room

and a couple links i found on how to talk to teachers:
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-…For-Extra-Help&id=3539746
http://www.accessenglish.org/f…on-one-with-your-teacher/