[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: times new roman; font-size: 50px; margin-bottom: -17px; letter-spacing: -2px; text-align: center; color: COLOR; text-transform: lowercase; text-shadow: 2px 2px 2px black; margin-top: -15px;]roxy lalonde[/fancypost]
[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; width: 400px; color: COLOR; line-height: 100%; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;]ic; "Ryan?"
She couldn't even get his name out without her voice cracking. Roxy's throat clenched and her heartrate went up, but god, she had to get this out. The newly-promoted leader stepped into his den, her eyes squeezed shut. She couldn't see if he were even in there. It didn't matter, she supposed. Roxy found it easier to speak when nothing was in front of her except a void, as if her secrets would be swallowed and never returned. Like she'd be rid of them for good. A small part of her believed that, maybe if she just got it off of her chest, spoke to empty air, everything would be okay again. ...She hoped it were true.
"When- when I was promoted to deputy, y'know, shit. I had the totem that said I was gonna die, right? Um. Y'know how I said I had a fuckin' panic attack and fell down that cave? That... that was only partly true, shit. I drank. I fuckin' drank myself into a fucking mess and I fucking tripped down in that fucking cave. I was scared, holy shit, how do I fucking tell you I'm gonna fucking die? I didn't- I didn't know what to do, I'm sorry," she stammered, eyes still tightly shut. Breathe, please breathe, this will be over once you get it out, just breathe, Roxy, do what I'm telling you, breathe-
"Now I want to drink again all the time. I dunno... I dunno if you know, but shit, Ryan? I- I found another totem. It showed me fucking going insane. Town of Crazyville, population me motherfuckers, who wants to bang, reproduce the crazy, I'm all for it, fuck yeah. ...Ugh." She sat and pressed at her eyes, then moved her paw to her throat, gently massaging it. "I was yellin' at myself... I think about my mom? If I'm being honest. Um. And it's starting. I'm hearing this one voice, I think- I think it's her, holy shit, I don't know what to do, Ryan? I'm a fucking mess, holy shit." Roxy swiveled her ears around, looking for a sign that somebody was actually there, or if she were yelling at a wall. She still refused to open her eyes- if the illusion that nothingness would swallow her secrets could work, she needed to keep her eyes firmly squeezed shut.
"I don't know how I'm gonna lead. I'm a fucking disaster. And while we're having this fucking feelings jam, featuring fucking psycho numero uno, this bitch, right here, I think I fucking like somebody. Like, really like them. And it's just so fucking small but it's, like, the cherry on top, and fuck, I don't even know why I fucking insist on feeling so fucking screwed up, fuck. If I could just- just forget about all this shit. Just... let myself float away? Disappear into some voidy shit? Ugh. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for dumping this on you, if you're even fucking here, I should just- god damnit." She rubbed her face a final time, pressing the backs of her paws against her eyes to fight off any tears.[/fancypost]
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