[align=center][fancypost borderwidth=0pt; font-size: 11px; font-family: arial; text-align: justify; width: 500px;]tl;dr I basically went on a journey of self discovery at 4am and wrote this in 2 hours and realized that I have to find the people I used to know. Also I feel much better after getting that all out and A+++ very therapeutic.
Okay, so a moment ago I was just about to make a post in the art shop area thing, to make a sort of temporary art shop and, I don't know. I started typing and it ended up going on and on and on and I thought that, you know, maybe instead of posting a long rambling there, it should go somewhere more appropriate, and I think this is the best place. (Maybe not though, I'm unsure). I just have a lot of old feelings, and I think that's why I keep coming back here (to the site, i mean). This rambling is nowhere near as important as many of the other posts I see on this board, but, I dunno, just anything you think would be helpful to say would be much appreciated.
I guess that I should explain how I got here. Like I said, I was making an art shop, because I've been low on muse and I've been in a ... an odd place. Not bad, not awesome, but somewhere between. A few weeks back, I stopped taking all my medication (with the go-ahead of my psychiatrist after proposing the idea, of course). I was on antidepressants including Abilify and something like sertralin, I think, or something that sounds like that. I also take Vyvanse (for my ADHD), but I will resume taking that once I start college. I've been doing pretty well, although there have been some major outbursts and it is still a lot to deal with. But, um, yeah, I feel like that, in part, drove me back here (yeah, I kind of fell off the radar for awhile, and I tend to do that. more on that later). Anyhow, I started making a new thread. I decided I would give a bit of an intro, but the intro turned into a history and the history became a senseless ramble. That was when I decided to move it over here.
for anyone who really wants to read it,
So, I kind of realized that I have done this a lot. I've left the site only to return, hoping that maybe this time I'll find the experience I missed out on before. And so I'll try to put my history into words here.
I first joined sometime early 2012. My username was Silverleap, which I later changed to Zephyr. Um, I wasn't much to talk about, honestly. I was new to roleplaying, and kept mostly to the fan clans area. Over time I got better, I think. I loved writing, I still love writing, but the biggest problem I faced on (then) WCRPG was that I struggled to make friends. Friends are an essential part of roleplaying, and without any it's just lonely; and, playing as a character, well, they need friends too, and you know when they don't have friends, and so because your character is lonely you, too, become lonely. Bonding is a big part of this site, imo. You need to make friends even for your characters to make enemies. I had people who were kind of friends, yeah, but I never grew close. I just don't really know how to do that. It's ironic, really; my real-life friend says she finds socializing over the internet easier, and I find it cripplingly difficult.
But, anyways, eventually I changed accounts. Let's be honest, everyone hates the first roleplaying posts they ever made (okay, I actually don't know that, but it was true for me). I changed to an account under the username Pixar (who doesn't love a good pixar movie?). Um, by then I had a couple friends (but really, I don't know if they were? Did they think of me the same way? Did they realize that I basically idolized them for their roleplaying skills or ability to post with such ease? Perhaps they struggled like me, sitting at a post staring at the "post" button and wondering if their writing was good enough in another person's eyes; perhaps I was always too vain to see it, consider it. but they had accepted my character into their character's peer group). (indeed, by then, i do believe i had managed to adopt Kingdomkit, son of Aima and Wolfkick. I cherished that character, he was my longest-running, the one I was most attached to. he had managed to befriend Parachii (her and her roleplayer would fall off the radar, but I did reunite with the roleplayer, the awesome soft rain (seti var rn), recently, before I fell off the radar myself), and Rottedkit (i believe her roleplayer was Foxy?). King and Rotted grew together, until they were Kingdomreign and Rottedbloom. dude, king, why didn't i have u commit to rotted??? SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY UR ONE TRUE LOVE BUT NO I HAD TO LOVE TRIANGLE IT BECAUSE IM A SENSITIVE DUMMY)
So, yeah, those were the people I considered friends; the ones who rp'd with me, befriended my character. Rottedbloom eventually got you-know-what'd of course, and conceived a litter of kits, one of which I took on and named Abrahamlincoln (Abraham or Abe). Who of course was a sociopath who only cared for one of his siblings, his sister, whose name escapes me, who foxy also played. yeah i'm p sure they got high on 'nip and had some kits. Abe was another character I was rather dedicated to, and he actually made some enemies. Whereas King was structured to be like me, but strong in all the ways I was not (kind but ambitious, with the potential to be cruel, who tried to be cruel because he was a bloodclanner but whose personality honestly did not work with cruelty; never wanting to upset anyone, but probably being more upsetting in that he tried to not upset anyone; trying to live up to a family name, family standard; a character that i tried so hard to keep from being flawed that he was flawed), Abe was made to be the cold, calculating, cruel bloodclanner of the past (for by then, times were changing; bloodclan was growing softer - still terrible and cruel, but less so) - a personality I knew I could never be.
Abe made an enemy in a cat whose name I believe was Gothika. He was a cannibal, she despised cannibals. Perhaps I took the character's words too much to heart, and forgot that I was playing a character. Maybe I'm too easily wounded by words to not feel their burn even if they are aimed at my character and not me. I won't lie, I did take it to heart when I should have remained unaffected.
Meanwhile King managed to somehow befriend a cat he hated, someone who forced other cats (is that still a big thing?). (Soldierpaw, who reincarnated into Dailypaw, hey, IF THE PERSON WHO ROLEPLAYED THESE GUYS IS STILL OUT THERE, you were awesome and Daily 'n King's relationship was precious and dude I wish I knew where you were bc we should rp again or something). I was never good at staying in character with King; his character was too general, too undefined.
But, I dunno, I enjoyed his character most. I miss him; I miss the people I could've grown close to if I hadn't taken the roles we all played so seriously. But it was because King made enemies and I couldn't take it that I left for the first time.
Well, no. I remember now. Me and Fox, we got upset (unreasonably so (I did), I know that now), when a whole cast of charries got demoted in BloodClan. King was a second tier then (a semi-hp), and I got upset, and I think I talked about it with Foxy, and we decided we would "leave". Put up a good-bye note, and then turn around and make a new account, fresh, like a new person. I think I needed it. Maybe they did too. She became Roman, I became... hm. Which username was that?
You have to understand, I'm going back to the beginning here. I'm even using the site search function to look up my old posts. I realize now that Foxy (username was Songbird at one point, made with a bunch of symbols, I just found out) was a good friend, or as close as I got. Like, best person. And Daily's rper. Mercury or Silverwing (you had a ton of accounts, I remember xp). And all those people. I miss you guys, wherever you are. Why'd I leave that behind? I bailed out as soon as the plot got interesting with my characters, because I couldn't take a little heat.
And... I found an old chat thread. I didn't remember this until I just saw it. I'm going to make a post. Mercury said they missed me. And. I miss it all. I WAS SO YOUNG AND INNOCENT AND I SUCK AT COMMITMENT.
IF ANY OF YOU GUYS STILL EXIST YOU NEED TO FIND ME. I NEED TO FIND YOU.
OKAY. Anyhow. I THINK my next account was Scout. Short-lived. I think after that I truly fell off the radar for awhile, but either before or after I fell off there was Sanguine. Calliope was one of the characters I planned to rp but I liked the name so much that eventually I took the subaccount I had for her and made it my account account (the one I have now). And that's my history, mostly.
Honestly I feel better now. I'd been mopey every time I visited this site like "if only I was better at socializing with people here" but I HAD friends. Well, they were friends in my eyes, and I hope I was one in theirs as well. And I think I'm going to give this place another shot, once again, and this time I'm going to give it my all. Can I still post this here if I ended up resolving my own problem? (honestly I think I will since maybe one of the people I used to know will find it and find me and I can be like "I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT IM A TERRIBLE FRIEND IM SORRY")
also don't hate me if this doesn't belong here after all or if this doesn't even make any sense (it's 6am and I haven't slept, try to bear with me) <3