The Royal Shop/Mary Sue Tester~! (Remade - Open!)

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    Intro


    Rules


    Form

    The post was edited 1 time, last by qυεεη ().

    [font=courier][size=12]

    Everything appearance

    [color=turquoise]Name: Veldt
    Other names: None
    Age: 29 months
    Gender identity: Agender (male pronouns)
    Sexual orientation: Asexual/Aromantic
    Backstory: He was originally built as a companion for a scientist's son, but was never fully finished and was eventually scrapped. He remained shit down until Rhys from Windclan fixed him up.
    Personality:
    positive traits
    intelligent, honest, adaptable, calm
    neutral traits
    formal, unaggressive
    negative traits
    blunt, gullible, insensitive, graceless
    Any symbolism in this character?: None
    Anything else?: No


    Remember to be detailed and honest~!


    That's a kid friendly dance.


    OOC
    Sorry, I forgot to add to the form what fandom they're from. hehe, was it warrior cats?
    IC

    Review time!


    First off, this is indeed a very unique idea, but I don't feel a robotic cat would be a clan cat. First off, robots can't feel real emotion, and the idea of a robot as a clan cat don't exactly fit in with the whole warriors universe. Also, I like that you made sure he was asexual and agender, as robots are agender and asexual. Another thing though, he wouldn't have much of a personality, like a previously mentioned, robots don't feel. But if we put this fact aside, you balanced out the traits well, maybe just try to add a little bit more depth. For example, you should make him feel unreal, his difference to the other cats and the fact he may just be a piece of junk to himself, perhaps this could make him somber and mad at the world? That'd be very interesting, but it's just a suggestion.


    Scales



    Creativity: 4/5 stars
    I decided to give you 4/5 because the idea of a robot cat in a clan is very unique. It can give you an interesting dynamic, and cause some very interesting emotions and can have a good story to it. Is it realistic? Absolutely not, but neither are bunch of cats forming a clan with a complicated ranking system, so it's just about unreasonable, just in a different way. Over all, it's pretty cool.


    Depth: 1/5 stars
    I gave you a poor rating on this, but you just need to add a thing or two to get to a 5/5. He is very much well, AI. He doesn't think or feel things for a reason. Maybe even add confusion since he's so different, he doesn't know what he is. You're real close to having that 5/5.


    OP-ness: 1/5 stars
    Just to note, having the lowest as possible score on this is a good thing. Being OP (Over powered) is bad, and your character is not. This is shocking since being a robot, you'd except him to be way OP. Good job on this.


    Mary/Gary sue: 2.5/5 stars
    (also good to have a low score on this.)
    I gave you a 2.5, as although he is not OP, and he is interesting, he has little depth and is unrealistic. But just like before, you can get this number down to a 0, Just by giving him some depth. It's easy, and so far you're doing good.



    Over all, a very interesting character. Good job for taking risks, a lot of people would take the fact he's a robot, and automatically pass him off as a Gary stu. Good job, I can't wait to see what you decide to do with him. :)


    Grade: B

    OOC: Hiya! And quick question: Do you know what Assassin's Creed is?


    Everything appearance

    Name: Swiftclaw
    Other names: Swift(Rouge), Swiftpaw(Apprentice)
    Age: 14 Moons
    Gender identity: Female/She-cat
    Sexual orientation: Straight
    fandom: Warrior Cats
    Backstory: Swiftclaw was raised by her aunt, Cherry until the age of 8 Moons when they were attacked by a fox and was told to run by Cherry and she did as she was told, but her aunt was not so lucky. One more later, she discovered a Clan living near by and decided to try and join. Many cats disliked her but the leader accepted her into the Clan.
    Personality: Swiftclaw is a headstrong and daring female. She hates the terms 'Outsider' and 'Rouge' because many cats in the Clan often talk behind her back and call her those words a lot, although she would fight to the death for her Clan.
    Any symbolism in this character?: Nope
    Anything else?: She's based off my cat at home.


    Remember to be detailed and honest~!

    Everything appearance

    Name: Tina Offender
    Other names: TiTi, lady offender, offendergirl, the vrigin woman
    Age: unkown, but looks to be 16
    Gender identity: female
    Sexual orientation: bisexual
    fandom: creepypasta/slenderverse
    Backstory:Tina's mother Lucielle was raped one night. She got pregant with tina and being unable to care for her for long since offender wanted to kill her and Tina, she gave Tina to a woman named Janette. Janette demanded that her husband protect her at all times, not wanting her adoptive daughter to get taken by offender. since the family was very rich due to them being scientists her husband had a protected room for tina, the room made for her and having a very advance sercurity system. due to being a slender being Tina had her tentacles at the age of 4. she hated them at first and wanted them gone but her father couldn't find a way for them to come off. later when she became 12 it was discovered that she had high level telepathy. due to this she was hooked up to a machine by her father in order to control them and for research on her power. due to that tina was drained physically, mentally, and spiritually, making her wheel chair bound since her legs stopped functioning and now can barely speak. she was also cursed with the same curse her mother have, making her blind. on her birthday when she was taken outside by her nanny offenderman showed up in there garden, he knocked the nanny away from tina making tina fall out her wheelchair. tina was found by janette and she tried to take her back but she was caught by offender. Tina was caught by offender and he made her murder her mother. when taken by offender she was psychologically, emotionally, mentally, and physically tortured. to the point where she had her hands cut off and replaced with the black claws she has now. during those times Tina became mute and her mouth stitched due to the physical torture and became much more cold and distant from others. Tina with insane from the torture and guaged out her own eye, causing her planned escape to be more harder since she could barely see now. to get rid of her weak state offender had a symbiote planted in her DNA, burning her from the inside. the holder of said symbiote, a young girl helped her escape and in pity offered her, her eye. Tina instead asked the girl to make her skin cover her eyes. the girl stitched a piece of flesh over her eyes, her eyelashes only visible.
    Personality: Tina is very quiet and content. she keeps to herself and it is rare to see her show any emotion towards others. the most people she has ever showed emotion too was her father(offenderman), uncles, or hoodie(her ''favorite proxy''). Though she can be flirty and is senseitve. her sort of cold attiude makes it seem like she is very cold towards others but she is actually very nice to others she knows. Tina hides her emotions due to her innocence being lost at a early age, so she refuses to show any human emotion and bottles them up.
    Any symbolism in this character?: Innocence, Virginity, lost of innocence
    Anything else?: nope


    Remember to be detailed and honest~!


    I might be a reivewer but I need her reviewed BADLY


    [size=27pt]CLOCKWORK[/size]


    [size=11pt]OC: Hey girlie, thanks for inviting me four times XD, want Ian or Anthony cause I've been tweaking backstories[/size]


    [size=11pt]IC:[/size]

    I return!


    (Yes I know what assassin's creed is.)


    The name Swift claw fits in with the warriors universe. The events that happened with Cherry are tragic, and I'm sure that it caused a lot of trauma. The idea that after recovering she must still prove her self, highlights her daring personality, so that she can show that off, and be accepted. I'm sure it has been has been hard for her, and that's very interesting.


    Creativity: 2/5
    I only gave you two because this plot has been done a bazillion times. Outsider cat- fights to be accepted, but their loyalty proves they are one of them! Sounds like Fire star to me. And a bunch of other canon AND OC's. I didn't just give you 0 or 1 however, as being raised by her aunt was unique.


    Depth: 1.5/5
    I didn't give you too good on this, as I don't get to really see inside their head. How they feel about being so different, so unaccepted. How her past has affected her, and how it shall continue to affect her. However, you have a lot of potential in this category!


    Op-ness: 1/5
    (you want a low score on this) Good job! She's not at all OP, this was done well.


    Mary sue-ness: 2.5/5
    I put you on the middle of this scale, as you don't have much depth and your plot has been done over and over again. However, you manage to not be OP and add a twist with not being accepted and Cherry.


    Over all, she's a borderline sue. She isn't the best, but she does have a lot of potential as far as depth. Just give her some more, and she'll be perfect.


    Grade: C+

    Everything appearance

    Name: Hyalite
    Other names: N/A
    Age: I'm not sure, but he is very old
    Gender identity: Male
    Sexual orientation: Gay
    fandom: Steven Universe
    Backstory: Hyalite original backstory is that he was the ruler of one of the largest habitual gem planet called the crystal planet. Cinnabar was more of less the Queen and during one of a very long time in his gem he changed his appearance to look more like a male so people would stop looking down at him for being a girl and recognize his power. Hyalite's planet crumbled by the war and Cinnabar was thrown into his gem. Hyalite helped in the war as being a scribe, taking down every battle and noting every gem that lost their life on the battle field. And that is all I have :3
    Personality: Much like every character I play, Hyalite is cold to mostly everyone and he tends to gravitate to his partner. Hyalite has a love for children and always will go out of his way to save any kind of child [Gem or human] Example: During a new generation thread, Louise [Half human half gem] is trapped in Cinnabar's room from falling from another gems room. At the time Hyalite was trapped inside his own crown and Louise happen to grab it. While in the room a monster was lurking and Louise was protected by Hyalite telling her to get out of there and keeping her calm by telling her stories of the past.
    Any symbolism in this character?: Well he shows traits of Ian, but I'm trying to make more characters that aren't based Ian and Anthony which is why Cinnabar is meaner and eviler while Hyalite is innocent and kind.
    Anything else?: No, not really~ And yes you did XD


    Remember to be detailed and honest~!

    Hyalite is next!


    This is a very interesting character. Good job with this Amy. The symbolism is INSANE. First off, I would like to say her body and how damaged it is, and how disconnected she is physically, is like a personal h3ll to her, which shows how it feels to be r@ped. Your body turns into a h3ll. Tainted. Impure. I also find symbolism in the dress she wears. waiting til marriage. That's really dark, and for once somebody finally used r@pe in a story correctly. Good job.


    Creativity: 4.5/5
    Good job! This is so interesting, you really did very well with this. I took away. .5 though, just through a combination of the wheel chair and her father being a creepypasta. But that's it, it was done perfectly, don't change a thing!


    Depth: 5/5
    Again, that symbolism. It is so serious and well done.


    Opness:1/5
    She does appear to be powerful, however she has plenty of weaknesses to balance it out, both emotional, mental and physical.


    Mary sueness: 1/5
    Good job, not at all a sue.


    Over all, the symbolism in this character is deep, and impressive. It's horrifying, and so interesting. It was just well done, and it sends chills down my spine. Give yourself a pat on the back, you're the only person I know that put r@pe in a story realistically.
    Grade: A


    [mergedate]1437687925[/mergedate]

    First off, they are slightly inaccurate. There is only 1 planet where gems are from, homeworld. And all gems are female, they never looked down on anyone for being female. However, there is nothing saying that they can't be male. And there being multiple gem planets is interesting. Actually, they may have taken over other planets, and they ruled that planet. So I suppose it makes some sense. If Cinnabar and Hyalite have the same love like Anthony and Ian, then they would fit right into the atmosphere of Steven universe.


    Creativity: 4.1/5
    I gave you a pretty good score on this. Because the idea of them ruling over a different planet has not been used, at least i've never seen it been used. Plus they are male and typically they are female. good job.


    Depth: 3.5/5
    This is an Okay score. Mostly because I don't have much insight on what's going on in their heads. However, their love is very powerful and fits in perfectly with the steven universe- uh- universe.


    Op-ness:1/5
    You get the perfect score on this for having a reasonable amount of power.


    Mary sueness: 2.3/5
    Over all, you get an alright score on this. We just need a more detailed backstory, how he came into power of that planet. A better reason for his gender. And some more depth and expansion on him and cinnabar's relationship.


    Over all, This is a pretty good Oc. Lots of potential. And you put a lot of impressionism on the steven universe- universe. Good job. Just work on the backstory and depth and you're good to go.
    B

    The post was edited 1 time, last by тнe graceғυl ĸnιgнт~ ★ ().

    First off, they are slightly inaccurate. There is only 1 planet where gems are from, homeworld. And all gems are female, they never looked down on anyone for being female. However, there is nothing saying that they can't be male. And there being multiple gem planets is interesting. Actually, they may have taken over other planets, and they ruled that planet. So I suppose it makes some sense. If Cinnabar and Hyalite have the same love like Anthony and Ian, then they would fit right into the atmosphere of Steven universe.


    Creativity: 4.1/5
    I gave you a pretty good score on this. Because the idea of them ruling over a different planet has not been used, at least i've never seen it been used. Plus they are male and typically they are female. good job.


    Depth: 3.5/5
    This is an Okay score. Mostly because I don't have much insight on what's going on in their heads. However, their love is very powerful and fits in perfectly with the steven universe- uh- universe.


    Op-ness:1/5
    You get the perfect score on this for having a reasonable amount of power.


    Mary sueness: 2.3/5
    Over all, you get an alright score on this. We just need a more detailed backstory, how he came into power of that planet. A better reason for his gender. And some more depth and expansion on him and cinnabar's relationship.


    Over all, This is a pretty good Oc. Lots of potential. And you put a lot of impressionism on the steven universe- universe. Good job. Just work on the backstory and depth and you're good to go.
    B


    [size=27pt]CLOCKWORK[/size]


    [size=11pt]OC: Yeah, the thing with Cinnabar and the whole gender jump was that they were ruling an hierarchy. Cinnabar didn't like his job as a Queen and wanted to be the king, but with being a girl it was looked down from and so he switched. Hyalite pretty much didn't understand why and let him do whatever he wanted[/size]


    [size=11pt]IC:[/size]


    That's a kid friendly dance.


    OOC
    It's strange they have that hierarchy, since back then humans hadn't advanced that far to have that hierarchy either.
    IC


    [size=27pt]CLOCKWORK[/size]


    [size=11pt]OC: Hmm ok, it's just Cinnabar was like 'Notice my power! I can be the king' while everyone else was like 'Only males can be king' and she just made herself into a boy and Hyalite was just like this standing wall. [/size]


    [size=11pt]IC:[/size]


    That's a kid friendly dance.


    OOC
    That makes no sense, all the gems chose female forms, even the diamond authority. They would have no reason to feel this way.
    IC


    I DID IT! :D she's not a sue


    [size=27pt]CLOCKWORK[/size]


    [size=11pt]OC: -claps for Amy-
    Let me just stop trying to fix my case. I'm digging myself a hole XD[/size]


    [size=11pt]IC:[/size]