our lady of sorrows [invite only]

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    [justify]It was a cold and dreary, dank and dusky, overall very unpleasant morning.


    The sun had not yet risen. Faint rays of light struggled through the blockade of heavy blue-grey clouds and strove to reach the earth and warm it. The chill of the hard ground was maintained, however, and what little light there was faded away as the futility of their mission was realized. They left behind them a sky full of dismal color and little else.


    A crack of thunder sounded in the distance, ominous, looming, a sure portent of a storm to come. Nary a flash of lightning lit the darkened sky, although she was sure it would make its appearance, and sooner rather than later at that. The first drops of rain, huddled in excitement, waited for the moment they could escape the bonds that held them and barrel toward the earth in a frenzy of miniature bullets to coat the flora and fauna in a blanket of droplets they couldn't wait to shake off already.


    In the darkness, a lithe and dappled form slipped out of her nest in the warrior's den, short pelt unkempt and messy with bits of moss stuck in it from a night of tossing and turning. Padding out of camp with silent pawsteps, settling down underneath a sprawling fern that was just beginning to recover from the touch of winter's icy fingers.


    It was better that she suffer in her solitude. She imagined that her terrors were unlike any faced by fellow warriors. How many others, after all, knew the utter fear of being swallowed by a personality that wasn't their own? How many could know what it was like to live through their own deaths dozens of times every night?


    Her mere existence was haunted by the shadow of a life that had ended badly. A life that had been given another chance, or been punished, by having what was left of her existence shoved into the mind of another cat.


    In her opinion, she was the one being punished here, and there wasn't a goddamned thing she could do about it.[/justify]

    Paws treading soft against the moist ground, the moisture in the air made it clear that it was due to rain. Despite the oncoming storm, the dappled feline needed to go for a walk. News had been brought to her that she was unsure how to handle. After all, finding out the body you had inhabited was carrying a litter she had never wanted…


    Shivering, the feline lifted her gaze to sky, watching as the clouds loomed above, moving at a faster pace than normal. Her tail lashed and she exhaled a heavy sigh. How on earth was she going to tell Bulletinboard? They’d had one litter together before, and then her original body had been tainted with an evil that it could not be cleansed from, and it was no longer possible for her to inhabit it. She had chosen the body of Lyra, a kittypet who had been in the process of committing suicide, to take as her own. She hadn’t anticipated that the feline was pregnant – she’d been too early on for her to notice.


    Plagued by her thoughts and fears of how she would tell her mate that she was going to bear a litter that neither of them had asked for, the she-cat found her paws carrying her onwards, unable to focus as she just walked forwards until she stumbled and fell just beside the fern that happened to be housing the apprentice.


    #nebbiewashere

    The post was edited 1 time, last by AELLA ().

    [justify]She was lost in a torrent of memories that weren't her own, a life, short but marked with much bitterness and tragedy, that she had never lived. It was an endless torture.


    Sometimes she could almost feel the immense bulk of memories wearing away at her own - the tide against the rocks, only the rocks were losing ground so fast - and that was more terrifying than anything else. She was not this cat that had lived before her, and she would not become her if she could help it.


    And although she was navigating the twisted corridors of her mind, she was not so caught up in her own suffering that she couldn't hear the impact of a feline body on the ground, however soft the sound was. Slinking out from behind the fern, ears laid back as wary copper eyes scanned her immediate surroundings, the young warrior's gaze fell upon her downed leader.


    Now, the she-cat didn't appear wounded or truly ill, so she ruthlessly shoved down the part of the consciousness within her that whispered the secrets of a medicine cat's many moons of knowledge and cautiously approached her, crouching down beside her. "Are you alright? Do you need anything?" she asked quietly.[/justify]

    She gave her head a violent shake, eyes screwed shut as she moved back onto her paws. Rustling sounded to her left and she turned, eyes snapping open and claws unsheathing, until she noticed it was an apprentice - or a warrior, one of the two. She had seen the feline once before, her appearance and the way she carried herself was familiar, but everything else was long forgotten. Most of her memory of the apprentice was a flickering memory, anyway. She couldn't remember anything else but that they had met once before, and that she had still been a tom when they had.


    "I'm fine," she breathed, dipping her head to the feline. "Thank you, though." Aella's gaze danced around the apprentice. Who was she? Her name, it was hard to find and in fact, she didn't think she could even remember it. A bit upsetting, but she wouldn't let it bother her. At some point she would learn the young she-cats name - she had to as leader.


    Thunder roared above, the crackle of lightning in the distance illuminating the surrounding areas. Pelt bristling at the sudden sound, Aella looked back at the apprentice, mewing, "why are you out in such horrid weather?"



    #nebbiewashere

    [justify]She retreated back under the fern and gestured for Aella to follow. If it did start to rain, they would be sheltered from the worst of it until the heavy showers beat the fern down. She wasn't at all convinced that the leader was fine; she had a medicine cat's many moons of experience detecting these kinds of things, though she didn't know how, but she would see why the she-cat wouldn't want to reveal any signs of being unwell to anyone, even if she was just another warrior.


    She sighed softly when the leader posed her question, ears flattening. "I have night terrors. I woke up, realized I'd been flailing around like an idiot in my sleep, and decided to head out of camp before I woke up any other warriors. They get kind of irritated if you wake them too early," she responded, picking a piece off moss out of her tail. "And you?"[/justify]

    "You're free to make a nest in an old rabbit or fox den out in the territory, if you wish. Now that leaf-bare is over, there's no worries about being too cold." Aella said, hoping to offer some sort of solace for the suffering warrior. She remembered the nights that she'd spent, roaming the forest with racing, uncontrollable thoughts... Not one part of her missed them.


    "Just felt like going for a walk," she lied, arching her spine and stretching. "Better than being cooped up in camp."


    #nebbiewashere

    [justify]"I've been considering that... It's bad enough that I have to suffer through sleepless nights. I don't need to inflict it on the others too." She wasn't the most charitable or nice of cats, but hell - she wouldn't wish her nightly tortures on her worst enemy. Well, being that her worst enemy was already within her mind...


    "Ah. That's understandable... It does get really stuffy in there sometimes." She yawned, the effects of her sleeplessness quite apparent. "Especially the leader's den. It gets downright humid in there if the day's hot enough."


    Almost as soon as the warrior had uttered the words, she stiffened, casting a terrified copper gaze in the direction of the leader. She'd done pretty well when it came to hiding what her inner conflict truly was. She hadn't slipped up much, and what she had let out wasn't anything she couldn't explain. Her mind had frozen, though; if there was a way to talk herself out of this mess she'd just made, she couldn't come up with it.


    "Um..."[/justify]

    As the words left the mouth of the apprentice and echoed throughout her mind, Aella stood a tad taller, head held high and eyes closed as she inhaled a long, steady breath. Memories washed over her, and it clicked then just who the apprentice she was conversing with truly was. It had been many moons since the two had first spoken.


    "Hallowedpaw," she exhaled, opening her eyes to look at the feline. "Dawnstar." They had never gotten past the point when she had learned who was inhabiting the then-young apprentices body. With a flick of her tail, she moved a step backwards and lowered herself to the ground, crossing her paws.


    "It's been a while." Aella eyed the she-cat, tempted to ask why she continued to retreat into the bush in which she had been hiding. Was there a trust issue? She quite hoped not - she preferred her warriors to trust her rather than feel uneasy in her presence.


    Ah, but who did not feel that way, save for the savage and cruel?
    #nebbiewashere

    [justify]"Hallowedsky," she corrected automatically. For a long moment she didn't know what else to say, or even if she could say anything. Anxious, her claws sunk into the soft, wet ground. The nervousness in her copper eyes was more than apparent. "Yeah... Dawnstar." As she spoke the name of the cat whose mind was trying to swallow her own, she shivered. There was nothing malevolent about the memories or the cat in and of themselves... but when she thought about losing herself to this leader of a different age her heart leaped into her throat and she got sick to her stomach.


    "Yeah, it has been..." Now that she knew that the she-cat had already known, her stiff form relaxed slightly. "I still don't know what to do. I hardly know anything more than I did back then," she confided, retracting her claws. "The nightmares keep getting worse."[/justify]

    "Right," said Aella, nodding her head. "You're a warrior now, my apologies." It had been so long since they had last seen each other, long enough for her to have earned her name at least. How many apprentices were no longer in RiverClan that would have gotten their names in that time, too? How many kits chose to leave for another Clan in thirst for adventure, their parents not bothering to raise them as true parents should?


    Depressed by her sudden thoughts, Aella lifted her soft blue gaze and listened to Hallowedsky. "Did you try what I suggested last time?"



    #nebbiewashere

    [justify]"Just barely... I still know a medicine cat's job better than I'll ever know my warrior skills." Dawnstar had lived the majority of her life as a medicine cat before whatever strange circumstance had popped up that led to her becoming deputy... The leader's life was a big mess, to say the very least, and she was only beginning to be able to sort through it all.


    She cast a glance at Aella, curious about the swift change in her mood. But before she could ask what the she-cat had been thinking about, the leader posed another question. "I've been trying. It's helped a little bit, but... I don't know. There's so much to Dawnstar, all her memories and her knowledge, it just totally eclipses my own experiences and I'm terrified that a day will come when I'm not able to hold it all back anymore..."[/justify]

    "Well," began Aella with a soft sigh. "Should you prove active around the Clan, I can always offer you the position of medicine cat back some day. You have the knowledge and we need all the help we can get." Hallowedsky had been part of RiverClan her entire life and the leader didn't question that she was loyal, especially after all that had happened while Dawnstar had lived their and being forced to relive the traumatic memories that played on repeat in her crumbling mind. She would make a good medicine cat, or even just an assistant, if she proved she could do it.


    "You're also very young still, Hallowedsky. You have moons to make your own memories. Perhaps a body switch could help? Leave Dawnstar's spirit in this one and find another that you find suitable - or force her soul into that one?"


    #nebbiesrpthreads

    [justify]Hallowedsky considered that for a moment. When she was a kit, being the medicine cat was her dream. However, over the moons she had come to feel some of Dawnstar's bitterness towards the position; however, she was entirely sure that was the old leader's influence and not her own feelings. Being able to differentiate between the two was difficult at times, but not in this case. "I'd like that. I feel like I could be of more use in the medicine den, honestly." Sure, they had a few medicine cats already... But she remembered a time when there were three full medicine cats, an apprentice or two, and several helpers and everything still wasn't getting done, so...


    "A body switch? Can... can I do that?" She was living proof that extraordinary things could happen, and she was far from the only example, she knew that for sure. But shoving Dawnstar's spirit, or her own, out of this body and into another one... Sounded really out there.[/justify]

    Nodding, Aella continued to listen to the young feline. At her astonishment towards the idea of body switching, she had to swallow back a laugh. Her reaction was so similar to what hers had been when she had first learned that powers were not tales and legends - that they were real.


    "I did it. I didn't have much of a choice, but I did. I went from Photostar to this." She used her tail to gesture towards her body, whiskers twitching. "I'm sure you can if you try hard enough."


    #nebbiewashere #nebbiesrpthreads

    [justify]Perhaps that was a realistic option, then. She'd have to find a body, then... but wouldn't that be doing the same thing to another cat that she was terrified of experiencing herself? Taking over their mind and their body, leaving no space at all for them? Hallowedsky didn't think that was something she was willing to do, if that was the case. "I don't know. I don't want to push my problems into someone else's head. That's not fair to them."


    And there was another thing, too... "But if... If I did want to get her out of my head. Would I lose everything? Would I still remember stuff like herbs, or would that all be gone?"[/justify]

    "You wouldn't, in a way. This body I'm in? It's owner tried to kill herself, and it was a miracle I managed to slip in before her soul collapsed and this body became uninhabitable. Just find someone who is really just can't do it anymore, or someone who is willing. I knew some cats who found cats that didn't mind giving up their bodies for others - it made them feel like they had a purpose." Aella responded, blinking at the following question. "If you remember it, I'm sure it will stick if she gets out."


    #nebbiewashere #nebbiesrpthreads

    [justify]She hadn't thought there would be cats willing to give up their lives to allow others to take over their bodies. That was... interesting, for sure. And she wasn't sure she liked the thought of it, either. But all the same, it was a definite option, and if she could find someone who didn't want to live anymore... Well, maybe she would try it. "I appreciate the advice."[/justify]

    [justify]She was beginning to feel a little awkward in the leader's company. She wasn't one that tended to pour her heart out, or even admit that there was something bothering her in the first place, and she'd just done both. Admittedly, Aella wasn't just any cat, but still... Sharing so much, baring her heart for someone else to see, made her a little anxious.


    "I, um... I think I'm going to go hunt, see what I can find. Might as well do something productive." She got up and stretched, brushing her tail across Aella's flank. "Take care of yourself, alright?"[/justify]