{private-trance} Don't Stop Believing

[fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border:transparent; width: 300px; font-family:times new roman; font-size: 10pt;] ^{Yes please. An average post you make. :)}

[fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border:transparent; width: 400px; font-family:times new roman; font-size: 10pt;] ^{Any kind of writing will do.}

^{Okay, down to business: I notice through out it there's a very clumsy perspective going on. You are going with the view of an observer in the present tense correct? So instead of '..., Dawnpaw noticed a small squirrel', you have 'Dawnpaw notices a small squirrel'.}

^{Personally I like third person point of view (the first one) because it comes across more professional and it's easy to read. But again, that's just my opinion, you can really use any version of perspective you want.}

^{Second thing I noticed right off the bat was the rushed feeling everything was. Nothing is really discussed in detail.}

^{So let's just start with the first sentance: Padding through the forest, Dawnpaw notices a small squirrel. Describe the forest. What does Dawnpaw hear? Is there chirping? Croaking? Tree branches rubbing together? Describe what she feels. Is the sun warming her back? Is it cold out? Things that make the image in your head more vivid when you read it.}

^{I really like the quick use of plot advancement though. Some times it takes FOREVER for a plot to get going.}

^{Any comments from there? If none go ahead and trey to lengthen that first sentence to more.}

[fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border:transparent; width: 400px; font-family:times new roman; font-size: 10pt;] ^{You're welcome! Great work incorporating thoughts into descriptions! Just look how many more words you added to that!}

^{Based on a basic overview, I noticed a few clumsy sentences, one of which seemed rush as well.}

^{'A small pitter-patter took her from her thoughts, the scent of prey drifted over to her.' : I read this and I'm wondering what she thought the pitter-patter was. Did she think it was leaves on the floor? Maybe a piece of prey? And then the scent of prey hit her and everything cleared up. Great job on clarification! But where did the scent drift to her from? Had she smelled it before? Or was this something different? Did she feel a rush of joy after smelling it? And then again you did great clarification about her thinking, but why is she so excited to feed her clan?}

^{Catch my drift?}

^{Okay, moving on a little further, I see this: '[glow=red,2,300]She crouched into a hunting position and slunk her way towards the squirrel. Just as she was about to catch it, she accidentally stepped on a twig, alerting the squirrel to her presence[/glow]. As the squirrel scampered away, she shook her head. 'This is useless. I'll never become a warrior if I can't catch prey!''}

I highlighted the first two sentences because I feel a little elaboration would prove to be helpful. How long had she walked forward? A few seconds? Did she follow the squirrel for awhile? Did she almost alert the squirrel before hand? Just a little more information would have added more flavor and also put a little more FK in your pocket.

Get everything so far? Any comments? I have a few more, but I don't want to overflow you with ideas.

[fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border:transparent; width: 450px; font-family:times new roman; font-size: 10pt;] ^{Yup, a whole lot better! Here's a few quick things:}

^{Dawnpaw padded through the forest, the canopy of green leaves dappling her pelt, the quiet rush of a far-away river calming her mind.( This and the following sentence are great! Very vivid, very AWESOME!) 'I can do it. I am going to catch prey and feed the clan!' she thought. (Forgot period)}

^{A small pitter-patter took her from her thoughts, the scent of prey drifted over to her, coming from beneath a tree near-by. A sense of accomplishment warmed her as she crept over to the tree. A squirrel appeared from its hiding place. Perfect for feeding an elder and showing her loyalty to the clan.}

^{She crouched (techinically the 'hunting position' is a crouch, so you could say she 'dropped' or 'lowered herself' instead of crouched. Saying crouched turns it into a more repetitive action.) into a hunting position and slunk her way towards the squirrel. She made sure she was in the right position and began to slowly walk forward (You say she starts walking forward, but then in the next sentence you say she walks forward again. :P ), time seeming to slow down, seconds turned into antagonizing eternities, slowly but surely gaining on the squirrel. After a few seconds, she felt a tickle on her muzzle, but she shook off the urge to sneeze. Just as she was about to catch it, she accidentally stepped on a twig, alerting the squirrel to her presence. As the squirrel scampered away, she shook her head. 'This is useless. I'll never become a warrior if I can't catch prey!'}

^{Sighing, she walked over to a rock.(Describe the rocks location. Was it protruding out of the ground? Or just laying on it's side? Was it wet from early rain? Warmed from the sun? You can use this to give a few hints as to the weather.) She climbed up it to look over at some bushes that she suspected were hiding some prey from her.(Why did she suspect it?) The brambles rustled and sher(She) heard a yipping sound eminating (emanating) from them. She leaped off the rock and crept over to the bush. A flash of red and bushey (bushy) fur startled her and she scampered to regain her footing, bounding off towards camp.}

^{(Quick note on the last two sentences of that (^^^) paragraph. When you write' She heard a yipping sound emanating from them.' Describe more about the yipping sound. She heard a 'quick series of yipping sounds'. This isn't true for all cases of sentences, but the way you have it written up there makes the rest of the paragraph sound weak and rushed.}

^{Also, everything after the second and in the last paragraph ('... she scampered to regain her footing, bounding off to camp.' Doesn't make much sense. Work on this one.)}

^{Yes, yes, it looks really messy and blah and I'm sorry but it's really only a few things! It's honestly really good, and half of these things I don't even catch in my posts until I review them! Okay, try to redo this one with what I commented!}

[fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border:0px;width:400px; font-family:cambria; font-size:14px;][sup]Okay, everything's looking decent, so... I would like to ask you to make a new post altogether and combine everything I've told you already.

Ask yourself these questions while writing.

[li]Why?[/li]
[li]How?[/li]
[li]Is it vivid?[/li]

These three usually can add a few hundred words!