book one of the Everglow series: LONG TAILS [please critique]

The cool, crisp wind signaling the fast-approaching winter whisked past my face as I better positioned my hat upon my head. Wisps of light violet and yellow hair whip my face, and for the third time that morning, I brushed it out of my chilly blue eyes.
"Thanks again for helping me pack my stuff, Dub," I look to see my DJ friend, and send him a small smile of gratitude while nodding once towards the luggage-filled carriage we'd been packing all morning long. I still couldn't believe it.
"Anything for Equestria's best assistant middle school nurse," the white unicorn chuckles merrily, then releases a soft sigh. "I can't do my usual, with this stupid thing on my hoof anyway," he mutters glumly, holding up the hoof currently secured in a bright green cast.
"Tut, tut," I begin, letting him see the smile across my face. "Wrong time to be skydiving, eh?" I ask, holding back a laugh. He opens his mouth to chuck a witty response in my direction, but the driver's yell cuts him off.
"Hurry up, kittens! A fog's rollin' on in, and I don't want to be here when it hits," he yells in his gruff tone. I flash an apologetic look at Dub Tronic, then hurry and leap into the carriage. As we roll away, I see Dub adjust his neon headphones so they were set perfectly on his white ears, then charge up a magic blast before teleporting away.
"Nice to see you're in a good mood, 'Garry'," I grumble half-heartedly as he pulls a lever and the carriage whirs into life. Now, let me tell you, for an earth pony named Fink, he sure was unique. Everypony called him 'Garry', because my normally faithful chauffeur, bodyguard, and foalsitter spent a whole four days playing Garry's Mod. He had eaten one of those micro bags of chips, and drank one liter of liquid. So yeah, he was dehydrated and starved by the time he finally clicked out of the glitchy game. Uncle Blaze didn't speak to Fink for a month, until finally he snuck in through my window in the middle of the night and Uncle Blaze forgave him due to how dedicated he was.
"Don't call me Garry. I prefer Fink," he grumble, reaching precosiously through the open window and tapping the large solar panel. "I hope you know I had to delete it because of Midnight," he moaned, pulling his dark blue hoof back in the quickly-moving carriage.
"Not many carriages and autos on the trail today, huh?" I said quickly, eager to change the subject. Usually when it came to the mere mention of Uncle Blaze, Garry'd starts to talk about how he was once the co-captain of the Wonderbolts. Once, I made the mistake of asking why he left. Garry rubbed his neck nervously and fell silent. I don't ask anymore.
"Hmph. It's four thirty in the morning, foggy as Tartarus, and it's way too cold outside," he replied tautly, just as a slower, lower-set vehicle rumbles into our field of vision. "They should fix up that auto," I hear Garry murmur, before turning his green eyes back upon the road. We ride in silence the rest of the way.

"BLAZING!" I hear the cry the instant I hop clumsily from Garry's carriage. Princess Skyla half-flies, half-runs over, and I cast a weary smile at her.
"Hey, Skyla. Ready to spend spring break with the best foalsitter in all of Canterlot?" I ask, and she nods eagerly. I turn to get out some of my luggage, and Garry, still in the front, leans toward me.
"You still sure you want to so this?" He asks in that same gruff tone, but now with a concerned edge. Even though I've never foalsat the youngest Princess for more than a day, I nod. Skyla is a doll, plus, Shinig Shield will be helping me a bit as Skyla's older brother.
"Blazing, do you want me to help? Shining taught me a new spell for lifting things yesterday, so I can help you now!" She proposes eagerly, hopping towards me. I send her another smile, then shake my head, just as the glint of Shining's armor caught my eye. Then the luggage began to glow blue-green, and Shinig set in gently on the ground, neatly organized so I can carry it easily.
"Thanks," I thank him, then take up the various bags on my wings.
"No problem. I'll be showing you your bedroom while you stay," Shining smiled his glistening, pearly smile at me, and as usual I found it hard to concentrate. I simply nod, and follow Shining Shield into the large castle, Skyla on the right of me and Shining on the left.
"I'm sorry you have to spend Spring Break foalsitting my sister," Shining speaks first, and Skyla's ears drop sadly.
"Oh, no, I'm glad to, really," I shake my head quickly, and Skyla's ears perk right back up. We walk in silence, all the way until we pass Skyla's room in the Canterlot castle. From inside, a loud THUD spikes through the air, and Shining frowns.
"Who's in my room?" Skyla asked softly, looking quizzaclly up at me.
"I don't know," I shook my head, staring at Shining. After a moment passed without another sound, the doorknob glowed with magic, and Shining pushed it open.
Wind billow through an open window, sending the curtains flying, but that was not what caught my attention. Nor was it the blood-splattered carpet, nor the unmade bed, or even the broken lamp.
No, it was the dead unicorn lying dead on the ground, eyes wide open, an expression of utmost terror frozen into the unicorn's almost-pretty opal-colored face.
"Moon Pool!" Skyla gasped, tears welling up in her eyes.

I fiddle nervously with my lanyard as the carriage hurries along this more-crowded trail than the one we'd been on not five minutes ago.
"Hold yer' reins, little lady," the taxi driver grumbles loudly. "Here come te' ambulance," he finishes adjusting his hat so it fell perfectly over one ear. I simply nod, then proceed to force the window down halfway so I can hear the sirens blare loudly as the ambulance coach speeds by.
"It's leaving a path. Can you fit the taxi through it?" I ask, biting down on my lower lip. The driver glances back at me, and I see him roll his eyes in the rearview mirror.
"Yer' plannin' on writing an article on the murder at Canterlot castle?" he asks, and I hesitate. I hadn't been, no. I'd been planning on doing an article in the Middle Foal Times about the crop loss in the Great Caterpillar Raid at the Sweet Apple Acres. Since Applejack retired, Applebloom had moved the farm from Ponyville to in the middle of nowhere, claiming it reminded her too much of their late brother, Big Macintosh. BUT, if a unicorn murder had taken place, surely that would make for a better article. I take a sharp, deep breath, and reply.
"Yes," I say plainly, leaning back in the black seat. The driver shook his head, mumbling something about young teenagers today. I resist the urge to roll my eyes, and am just relaxing when he adds something tragic.
"That'll be ten extra bucks, ya' know," he glances back at me, and I bite my lower lip. Ten extra bucks? That'd clean out my wallet for another month! He raises an eyebrow, and I sigh. I extract ten of the round, blue, papery things known as bucks and shove it up toward him. He smiles, and we begins to roll along again. I avert my gaze out the window, pull a book from my messenger bag with navy magic, and begin to flip the pages slowly.

"You should try to be decent to your customers, Blu" I look up, watching as a maroon Pegasus clambered into the carriage, and I realized we were nearly at the castle. It had taken nearly an hour because of the traffic, and the driver just grunts. "Hey, Draco," Flash Dash smiles at me, slamming the taxi door closed. I stuff the book back into the bag, and look at the driver.
"You let in another pony when I specifically asked you if you couldn't pick up another haggler?" I ask the driver angrily, scowling at Flash Dash.
"'E's me friend, little miss," he responded plainly, causing Flash Dash to shrug at me. "What're ya' doin' in the big city anyhow, Flashy?" the driver asked, frowning curiously at the stallion.
"Shining asked me to come. You know how he hates Sherlock," Flash shook his head, obviously chewing the inside of his cheek as he mentioned the detective's name.
"That Sherlock's one arrogant bastard, ain't 'e, Flash?" the driver asked. I cringed as he cursed. Sherlock wasn't arrogant, just... uncaring.
"Arrogant? Ha! Blu, he's more than arrogant, he's a sociopath," Flash Dash, who normally couldn't speak bad of anypony, even that spoiled Blazing Heart, snorted.
'Blu' begins to speak, but I cut him off. "Sherlock Hooves is not a sociopath. He's a detective," I say placidly. Flash Dash takes on a sheepish expression, while the driver, who's apparently called Blu, scowls at me. I hated Flash Dash for this very reason. Why couldn't he just be rude sometimes?
"'Consultin' detective'," Blu snorts, narrowing his eyes at me. "'E's a downrigh' fraud, that's what 'e is!"
"Blu, shut up," Flash Dash hissed before I could launch a string of angry words at him. "Besides, Sherlock may be a fraud, but Shamrock sure isn't. I heard he doesn't even look at her because he can't stand the fact she takes after him."
"SHAMROCK IS-" I begin to shout, fuming.
"WE'RE 'ERE!" Blue suddenly cuts me off, and both me and Flash look up to see the castle, surrounded by autos and carriages. A loud BANG sounds at Flash's door, and we all look over to see Shining standing at the door, mouthing something. Flash opens the door, and leaps out to stand beside Shining.
"You coming, Blu?" Flash asks kindly as I push open my own door and hop haphazardly out.
"Nah. Don' feel like talking to that arrogant, sociopathic bastard," he says, glaring at me as I slam the door shut. I circle to carriage to stand on Shining's other side, and we begin to trot away as Blu parks the taxi to wait. I frown, and immediately turn to Shining Shield.
"Where's Sherlock?"
"Ignoring Shamrock as she solves the case, as usual," Shining snorted, and suddenly I see two unicorns, one white and one green exit the crowd and make their way toward us.
"She's carrying no trace of anypony. They were wearing gloves. The cause of death was a dented skull. She was banged against something, most likely the floor," Sherlock says quickly just as Shamrock is opening her mouth. She glares at him, but doesn't say anything.
The Prince releases a soft sigh, then looks Shamrock directly in the eyes. "Can we see the body again?"
Shamrock nods quickly, clearly pleased that he'd spoken to her instead of Sherlock, who has an unreadable expression upon his face. "Right this way," she nodded again, then began to trot away while adjusting her scarf. It was rather like Sherlock's black one, but in green instead.
"What was her name again?" Sherlock asks suddenly, after we'd walked for a minute in silence, our hooves echoing against the stone floors as we enter the castle.
"Moon Pool," Shining replies tautly, and I feel my heart sink into my stomach. Surely it wasn't that Moon Pool. We continue on, and suddenly the clicks of Cameras sound. A door ahead is propped open, and we file in. The room is empty except a lone Pegasus, and a frown a moment before placing her.
"Quill Seeker?" I utter in disbelief, and she turns, still holding the camera.
"Hello," she says uncertainly, and my lower jaw drops as Shining, Flash, Shamrock, and Sherlock the body.
"IT'S YOU!" I shout, resisting the urge to tackle the famous journalist. She smiles anxiously at me, then fiddles with the white fedora perched perfectly upon her head.
"No autographs, sorry. I'm here solely to report this," Ms. Seeker said grimly, nodding toward the body I hadn't yet seen. I turn to look, and my heart, which had been flying oh-so-high not a second ago, drops like a stone.
It was that Moon Pool.