Phoenixclan

The rp thread is separate from this. The link is on the first page. :3

One-X
Half Archangel
Half Demon
Do you think about
Everything you've been through
You never thought you'd be so depressed
Are you wondering
Is it life or death
Do you think that there's no one like you
Ic:

Ooc: Would anyone like to see a story I've been working on? I need some feedback that's not my friends...

Join FeudalClan! http://warriorcatsrpg.com/inde…0;successfull_invite=true

[color=white]We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
[color=maroon]We are one

*waves hand wildly* OOH, ME, ME, I'LL READ IT.

One-X
Half Archangel
Half Demon
Do you think about
Everything you've been through
You never thought you'd be so depressed
Are you wondering
Is it life or death
Do you think that there's no one like you
Ic:

Ooc: Here's the very beginning ^_^

He ran. He ran as fast as he could. From what you ask? His life.

The man was running as fast as he could, screaming,"NO! NO! NO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

He came upon a clearing in a forest, he stumbled and fell and fell. He didn't get up, staying where he was hoping that he didn't follow him.
****
A golden angel was outraged,"How dare he run away from me! Anjus!"

Another angel was trying to calm the other Archangel,"Anjus, calm down. He may have escaped, but he will be doomed to be an outcast because of his blood. Half Archangel and half demon, a warlock, an outcast, your son."

A fit of rage came again,"By God Michael, shut up!"he started to glow a red and blackish aura. Anjus growled,"He won't escape me. He can't run from me. One-X, I'm coming for you son."

(I like One-X as a normal cat, but as human, he's a warlock ^_^)

Join FeudalClan! http://warriorcatsrpg.com/inde…0;successfull_invite=true

[color=white]We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
[color=maroon]We are one

COOL. I LIKE. YOU'RE A NICE WRITER.

but just one thing...

Quote

A golden angel was outraged, "How dare he run away from me! Anjus!"

Another angel was trying to calm the other Archangel, "Anjus, calm down.

Is Anjus a person? If so, why did Anjus call another person Anjus?

And I think the line 'Another Angel was trying to calm the other Archangel,' should be 'Another angel was trying to calm him.' The way you wrote it just seems a bit confusing. One more thing with this sentence: you repeat 'calm'. You don't have to, but I think it would sound better if you used something else. Try finding a synonym for it. :3

One-X
Half Archangel
Half Demon
Do you think about
Everything you've been through
You never thought you'd be so depressed
Are you wondering
Is it life or death
Do you think that there's no one like you
Ic:

Ooc: Thank you :) I enjoy the feedback. I can see where your coming from... I'll change that. Thank you! The Anjus part about him saying his name in the same sentence, he's like saying I'm of higher power, how dare he run from Anjus, I do that a lot XD I'm like "Why did you do that Kara?". Pretty much just doing that.

WAIT! I may make a thread on it! It will give helpful feedback and I need some cats... Since One-X will disappear for a little while around chapter 2 or 3.. then he won't come back until chapter 29 maybe 30... That's just an idea... I may not do that... But thanks for the awesome feedback! A non biased opinion that's not from one of my friends, or teachers XP

Join FeudalClan! http://warriorcatsrpg.com/inde…0;successfull_invite=true

[color=white]We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
[color=maroon]We are one

I'm not your friend? ;A;

Lol, you're welcome. I like being an editor/proofreader o3o
I'm already really interested in your story. xD I'll be happy to read more and give you feedback.

One-X
Half Archangel
Half Demon
Do you think about
Everything you've been through
You never thought you'd be so depressed
Are you wondering
Is it life or death
Do you think that there's no one like you
Ic:

Ooc: You know what I mean! *Frantic voice and a sorry voice* I mean one that I see almost everyday face to face, mostly Kasey and my stalker.... But he doesn't count XD

You remind me of my language arts teacher for some reason XP

If you want, I can send you the rest of what I got through PM?

Join FeudalClan! http://warriorcatsrpg.com/inde…0;successfull_invite=true

[color=white]We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
[color=maroon]We are one

Yeah, I know. XD
And sure! Don't wanna flood this thread with unrelated things...though that's kinda what we've been doing for a while. PhoenixClan really needs a chat thread...

One-X
Half Archangel
Half Demon
Do you think about
Everything you've been through
You never thought you'd be so depressed
Are you wondering
Is it life or death
Do you think that there's no one like you
Ic:

Ooc:I kinda agree... My sending the PM thing with the rest of what I have so far on my story :)

Join FeudalClan! http://warriorcatsrpg.com/inde…0;successfull_invite=true

[color=white]We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
[color=maroon]We are one

Okie dokie Loki! :3
And Sunny, I accepted all but Mavis' new characters. I wasn't sure about them, so I left it for you to accept.

WELL, THAT'S NICE TO KNOW.

One-X
Half Archangel
Half Demon
Do you think about
Everything you've been through
You never thought you'd be so depressed
Are you wondering
Is it life or death
Do you think that there's no one like you
Ic:

Ooc: That must be awkward XP

Join FeudalClan! http://warriorcatsrpg.com/inde…0;successfull_invite=true

[color=white]We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
[color=maroon]We are one