[size=13pt][glow=black,2,300]❝ maybe i'm a shot in the dark. ❞[/glow][/size]
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[fancypost borderwidth=0pt; width: 450px;][align=center]you know that feeling when you step into hell? yeah, funny question to ask because i seriously doubt anyone ever stepped into hell because it doesn't really exist, neither does heaven and all that but that's a different discussion but what i'm talking about is when you walk into somewhere that's really fucking horrid. flames and all that shit could very well be engulfing the area and you just have that feeling like; 'what am i doing here?' but you are there. so suck it up. yeah, really? great advice vi...great advice to yourself because currently you're not handling this 'clan problem' very well but you'll get over it. i mean, it can't be as horrendous as you're imagining it's going to be, right?
you see, i'm joining a clan. well not joining but rather living with skyclan for at least five days to finally understand why clan life sinks it's ugly talons into it's prey, a.k.a us loners, before dragging us in with the killing bite that makes us mindless drones that will follow any order. what decent cat can give up his, or her, freedom to just a few distinguished fellows? everyone is equal, we did just fine in the past living in solace but when this whole 'clan idea' came into play it must've been all the craze back then just like it is now. it's like we lost who we were somewhere along the way, and let's just say i'm not going to be groveling at their leader's feet or...never mind. i suppose if i want the whole fucking 'clan experience' then i'll need to act like everyone else. just saying those words makes me want to puke.
it's because it's easier. that's what i'm guessing; all those pathetic ones found out that leaving loner life behind for a more crowded and less private one meant you rarely went to bed hungry or you never had to fight off a bitter chill or sleep underneath the stars. well, if they can't handle it then i guess they should just roll over and succumb to orders and the rules. i just find it insane, like who in their right mind would just willingly through everything that made them who they were...away? like it never really mattered? i guess i'll never understand it, i can just get a sense for what they feel like. maybe i can interview some skyclanners that used to be loners, get their input. ha! i can already imagine what they'll say; 'i needed shelter! i wanted warmth! i knew that it'd be easier!'
revolting.
i guess you could say when i found out sober was apart of a clan it kinda struck a nerve and at the time of meeting her once again i felt a little envious but of course that's gone now. i was just jealous that it appeared she was happy and i'm not but that was stupid...not her fault. jesus, if i was talking to a real animal right now then i'd tell them how they should've saw her. as cubs, back at the zoo, i sort of had a crush on her. i realize how ridiculous that is now and i've scolded my past self multiple times while primarily cussing it my naive ways because now it's clear how foolish i was. a snow leopard and a cheetah? right...that would've defiantly happened. besides, even if she had stayed then she'd be paired off with some other cheetah, no wait...scratch that. she'd probably have cubs of her own right now because of that bastard jaka. if i ever see that son of a bitch again then i will personally slit his throat before...no wait. i'd let sober kill him. she deserves that much and so much more. he deserves to rot in his own grave, buried alive, for many many months.
we were discussing sober? i met her again for the first time in a few moons and once again i was blown away at how beautiful she is and what a fine lady she's grown into. i felt like the ugly duckling next to the elegant swan but the again elegance isn't exactly sob's style, now is it? she's changed,, morphed into a much happier feline then what she was back at the zoo and that's when i started to feel a tad jealous of her situation. i guess i felt a tiny bit of hurt too because i never could've given her what she wanted back at the zoo, i never was enough to make her stay but then it comes across my asshole mind that she was being raped at the zoo, so there was that. of course i wasn't a good enough reason to stay, not to mention her father and his anger issues. she deserves to be happy...she deserves someone who is actually able to be with her properly. i would say i'd be surprised if she didn't have a mate right now and then i think about how she wouldn't even let any male come near her. not even me, her best friend. not after the incident, she'd claw and spit at me through the bars and shout at me to go away and it took months for her to finally tell me what had happened. if a tom were to come even a few yards away from her then she'd instantly go into hysteria but it appears as if she's over that. she had no problem bounding right over to me.
well to sum it up, i don't believe i'm in love with her. maybe a part of me still has certain feelings towards her but that's the piece that's younger and more of a memory rather than the present. maybe it's even a brother and sister thing now but what i know is it'll always stay that way...hmm. enough abut all this love stuff though...
i'm done writing today, goodnight journal.
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