Very advanced roleplay tutor?

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    [size=27pt]I'm waking up
    I feel it in my bones
    Enough to make my senses b l o w
    I'm radioactive
    Radioactive[/size]


    [font=trebuchet ms][size=10]OOC:
    Hi! I'd like some assistance with lengthening my roleplay posts and adding more detail. Some post examples:




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    [font=trebuchet ms][size=10][color=#0C3100]IC:
    Add text maybe?


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  • Greetings. 8)


    I can help with that. I'll read through your posts and send you a PM sometime tomorrow, sound good?

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    [font=mufferaw][size=30pt].confetti - -[/size]


    [size=27pt]I'm waking up
    I feel it in my bones
    Enough to make my senses b l o w
    I'm radioactive
    Radioactive[/size]


    [font=trebuchet ms][size=10]OOC:
    Okay. Sounds good.


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    [font=trebuchet ms][size=10][color=#0C3100]IC:
    Add text maybe?


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  • Alright, let's get to work! I think working with one post at a time would be a great start. Let's first use Soprano's post:


    [font=georgia]I would say that length isn't as important as quality, but most advanced roleplayers look for length first, then good grammar and such. People want to know that their roleplay partner is capable of typing out more than just one-liners.


    Now, what I would do to lengthen this piece of literature up would be to first re-read it, then think, what could I add onto that to make it more interesting to anyone who reads it? Well, here's one answer. Imagery. Describe the charrie's surroundings a bit more. I got only an inkling as to where Soprano was located. "World of shadows" and "darkness" indicate that it is nighttime.
    "Strand of moonlight" tells the reader Soprano is outside, or somewhere near light, maybe at the front of a cave.


    Then I find this. "Stick." It comes out of nowhere. Now I am just slightly confused. She must be out in the forest, right? Its quite obvious she is, because sticks aren't usually found behind waterfalls or inside of caves or in twoleg houses. But what would've been better? Describing the setting around Soprano more, maybe bringing to life the images of the forest around her. The sounds, the touch, the taste, even. Speak about the temperature. Is it chilly? Or is she sweating from fear, even though its snowing around her? Give some more background on the area around her. Is it a dry, broken forest, or is it lush and full of wildlife?


    Let's first work on adding imagery into that post. Once you've done so, we can proceed. ^_^

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    [font=mufferaw][size=30pt].confetti - -[/size]


    [size=27pt]I'm waking up
    I feel it in my bones
    Enough to make my senses b l o w
    I'm radioactive
    Radioactive[/size]


    [font=trebuchet ms][size=10]OOC:


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    [font=trebuchet ms][size=10][color=#0C3100]IC:
    Add text maybe?


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  • Great work! I like the choice of words here. Let me see where I can edit. This is more of a grammatical matter, now.


    Quote

    darkness-induced, half-blinded state,


    Commas are, believe it or not, a pretty important part of writing. Punctuation is a must; sometimes, without the proper marks, a reader will mistake a sentence's meaning for something else- that's not good!


    Next, let's look at this following paragraph:

    Quote

    Yet... she had to go through the woods. Her only other option was running back to her former pack, and she was certain that they wanted to murder her. They were probably still spying on her now, watching her every move, sending assassins to apprehend her and slit her throat. That was the reality of her paranoia, which was bent on destroying every bridge of trust she ever built.


    It grammatically correct, but what I would suggest here is to play around with the subjects a bit. Notice how you used "her" and "she" a lot. You could get creative and use subjects like "the dark-furred wolf" or "the ragged canine."


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    Soprano shook it off


    Shook what off? Her thoughts? Be a little more specific; its easy to get lost in advanced writing. Details are a must.


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    quiet as possible until... snap.


    Tip: Use italics for onomatopoeia. It just looks better. :)


    Quote

    The she-wolf paused once more, this time in shock, shivering in fear as she waited for her fate.


    [font=georgia]A matter of using the ear. Read this aloud and see what words could be switched out for others. "Waited for" doesn't sound as smooth "awaited," wouldn't you agree?

  • [fancypost bgcolor=maroon bordercolor=black borderwidth=1px;]


    [font=mufferaw][size=30pt].confetti - -[/size]


    [size=27pt]I'm waking up
    I feel it in my bones
    Enough to make my senses b l o w
    I'm radioactive
    Radioactive[/size]


    [font=trebuchet ms][size=10][color=black]OOC:

    color]


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    [font=trebuchet ms][size=10][color=#0C3100]IC:
    Add text maybe?


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